Paulatim "little by little"

I joined this site yesterday and then I deleted my account, so second times a charm.

I think I should start with my own story as a lead in to my situation. I was military for many years as a medic and I was on a number of humanitarian operations. I left the service about 15 years ago and everything was fine then I came across a significant car accident involving a young family it seemed to trigger all the pent up trauma I witnessed and dealt with in the army specifically small children. I think having children of my own around the same age as the victims in the crash tipped the scales and for a few months I was in a difficult place. I have a specific memory that took centre stage in my mind that to be honest before the crash I had forgotten about. A young girl had chosen to end her life and was dying and without going into details of her personal circumstances because it’s truly heart breaking I sat with her until she passed I remember talking softly to her looking at her and then she was gone. I guess I have my demons but they are buried now, for me I had to shut and lock the door to that part of my mind because I couldn’t cope with my past anymore.

My marriage broke down within my coping process and I have an amicable relationship with my ex and shared custody with my children. I spend some time getting myself right and then I met my now Wife and this is what the post is about.

My wife suffers from schizophrenia, she has endured a lot in her life, perhaps more than any person was meant too. I knew this when we met, there were no secrets and our relationship was built on honesty and trust. She is on a medication and it seems to fix a number of issues however she has BPD symptoms. She struggles with jealousy and a severe fear of rejection. I didn’t really know just how challenging this would be. She has systematically ripped to shreds every approach I have taken to her episodes. Whilst there hasn’t been hospitalisation or medical intervention, the times she has left me and the fights that flare up from no apparent cause are very difficult to manage. Sometimes she will instigate a conflict three and four times in one day. The extreme anger she experiences during these times I cannot really control or manage.

I’m not the perfect person, I have flaws as we all do however I consider myself a good husband, attentive, affectionate and I don’t harbor any doubts about my love or my commitment to my marriage. I guess I am here to share my experiences and thoughts and hopefully gain a better insight into my situation.

I am a very logical person and when I can’t use reason or logic to solve an issue it frustrates me. My wife will agree with a strategy whilst she is having a good day however she becomes completely illogical and irrational once an episode starts. I have explained the areas I do not cope well with many times and she agrees and is sympathetic however once an episode starts these facts become ammunition for her to attack me with.

My wife’s episodes start with what she considers is a question however it’s a straight out accusation. It could be over anything however the theme is always broken trust, betrayal or cheating. This is the start of an episode and it follows a repetitious pattern and is accompanied by a number of symptoms, she avoids eye contact, next is the accusations of cheating or abandonment of love she will cite anything she can drag up to support this, sometimes taking trying to accuse me of cheating on her before I met her or jealousy over a stranger a from months ago. It always escalates to extreme anger so much her ring fingers involuntarily curls and her iris shakes slightly. She is genuinely stressed and it’s so strong I can almost taste it. After that she threatens to leave or will take something out of context to say I’m leaving her and she is packing her bags.

We have been married a year and together about 3 years I think she has left me perhaps 50 times. Each time it’s mostly just to the car (she packs it), sometimes it’s a few hours (she drives away) and twice it was overnight.

When the episode concludes its always sudden I think I have a catch phrase that seems to work but I don’t overuse it. I tend to say “are we good?” so far it allows an escape from the episode if it’s nearly concluded. I don’t use it when she is very in her own words “heated” because it’s reserved for when I need it. If we are not good she will say so calmly. It seems the phrase has a measure of respect that’s why I am protective of its use.

When she is not having an episode she is amazing and these are the happiest times, she is hypervigilant, for instance I told her I am joining this forum and she is concerned I will meet someone here and leave her.

This is my situation, I would appreciate your thoughts and feeling.