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How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

OwlunarSenior Contributor14 Apr 2018, 12:18 am AEST

How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

Hi @Former-Member and any others in this forum I don't know but might be able to add in some ideas here

I was shocked when I was leaving the supermarket car-park today - with my own helper - and I had questions for the woman I saw

I don't know how old this lady is but she was struggling to walk - obviously in pain - really battling

Then I saw her helping a very frail lady with a walker - probably her mother - and it took the woman a long time to do everything

So as we were waiting for her to move her car we watched and we both felt really compassionate about the carer - she could hardly walk - and what is likely to happen as the carer's health deteriorates

The carer's steady and determined way of walking and moving things indicated to me she is practised at what she has to do - but wow - she needs help herself - easy for us to see

I have investigated My Aged Care and I have yet to hear someone say something that gives me courage regarding this - I have heard from the people who come here to help me that there are people who wait a long time for helpers - and this is not good

As I am writing this before I finish for tonight and go to bed I thought to write this - there was nothing I could do to help this lady - and I can tel when other people are in pain - and I felt empathy

That's enough - I am just saying I cared a lot about the Carer and for the frail aged lady who is probably her mother and I know there are people here who tend their aging parents

So I feel for you too - and it is a very sad system - I get it

Dec

7 replies

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In response to: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

Unknown userMember14 Apr 2018, 11:36 am AEST

Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

@Owlunar

As a carer it can be awfully hard to let go, holding on to doing things that could be out sourced and unnecessarily wearing ourselves ragged. Sometimes the ones we love resist getting help too.

Self care is important for both carers and those with LE, sometimes that means we get in help, not only for the benefit of the ones we love but for ourselves.

Fortunately there has been research into the benefits to patients showing how carer education (which includes coping techniques) gives better outcomes for patients and mental health services are starting to be proactive in promotion of carer support services.

I for one am amenable to getting all the help I can. My husband and is well enough at present to not need assistance but when he was unwell I got in a house cleaner and some gardening help. I have been a bit slack in following up on some of my own health care needs, slowly rectifying that.

I do feel for those who care for their adult children, group homes often fall short of the care that we give our loved ones. My best friend has an intellectually handicapped daughter in a group home and another person I know has a son with Sz who is in an independent living facility (a converted motel) so have a small understanding of the concerns they have, particularly in relation to medical and financial matters.

It took my sister a bit of time to convince my elderly mum (who lives interstate) to have fortnightly help after she gave up her license - initially a person took her out to do her banking and shopping and the help was grudgingly accepted, she soon got used to it, now it is followed by an hour of cleaning and Mum is grateful for the assistance and can see the benefits of having someone who is not a friend provide regular support. My mum does not have MI, is just old, but the added concerns of any chronic illness (not only MI) can add a few extra challenges.

The good thing about these forums is that we can encourage each other to access the help we need so we can live well in spite of a diagnosis.

The system is by no means perfect but I am grateful that there are services available.

In response to: Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

Unknown userMember22 May 2018, 12:37 pm AEST

Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

It would have felt a bit heartbreaking to witness that @Owlunar Often it's the stuff we witness and have no power to change that tends to loom large in our minds. What stood out to me in that story, was the care, compassion, and resilience of the carer.

It's so true too @Former-Member that often it's hard for carers to do some of that 'letting go' of caring responsibilites. It can come with a whole lot of confusing emotions. It would be nice to see your mum coming to terms with the benefits of accepting support.

In response to: Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

OwlunarSenior Contributor22 May 2018, 1:16 pm AEST

Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

Thanks @Former-Member

It is really difficult to know how to help people when I am not really in the position and need the same help myself - but not to that degree

I have elderly relatives I would like to help but they are interstate and really private people - atm I can't get in touch with them to find out what is happening - really sad - but I am not going to crash their privacy to make myself feel better

I have seen them recently

Also @Former-Member - I have been in the position of doing my best to care for my MI son who died - I was unable to access proper help in the 80s - enough to get him into Foster Care but he was never far from my heart or my thoughts - but then teenagers did not have access to Head Space or Reach Out or other agencies and he was also not in the mood for help - in retrospect I feel he thought the whole world was at fault and this is hard to anyone to deal with - I think the word "entitled" is appropriate now

There are people who are trapped in a situation and yet I had to walk away from my mother because she consistently told me to get out - hung up the phone and didn't answer my mail - that was rough but I did what I could

I wonder what I am going on about now - the system does not apply to all cases and there are people tending to people when they are not well enough themselves or there is no one else or the person won't accept help - it's a puzzle - and unsolvable puzzle with many different parts and so much sorrow

Dec

In response to: Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

Unknown userMember22 May 2018, 1:57 pm AEST

Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

I'm really sorry to hear about the losses you've experienced @Owlunar It's hard to be with that tension of wanting to help, and yet understanding how important it is to look after yourself first. Sounds like it's somehting you'll continue to navigate as best you can going forward 🌻

In response to: Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

OwlunarSenior Contributor22 May 2018, 2:30 pm AEST

Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

Thanks for your understanding @Former-Member

I care about my elderly relatives a lot - they are more important to me than my own parents were because of my son's MI and my mother's "I must not be upset" attitude

All these years later I feel that if other people had allowed my mother to be "upset" she might have learned to be a better person but that has all passed now - and I forgave her for my own sake - that is something hard to learn but wonderful to enact

So I know I have to care for myself first - this time of year I have SAD and also feel the upcoming anniversary of my son's death and blame a lot of the way I feel on my BP tablets so I have to get blood and urine tests done and sort that out first - and no way can I rush off and care for anyone else until I do that - or I will lose my place in the scheme of things - resisdental care is something I do not want so it's really important to put myself first and this is my suggestion to other people too

It is a puzzle to me how people don't see the good things about themselves but believe the lies they tell themselves - I think I had a lot of people loving me when I was a child - my father and uncles and one of my grandmother's really fostered my well-being and I think I was more fortunate than most

But yes - it is not easy at this time of year

Dec

In response to: Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

Unknown userMember22 May 2018, 4:16 pm AEST

Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

Ths is a difficult time of year for you @Owlunar Reflecting on time gone past does have a way of helping us to gain new perspectives. Its nice to hear you that amongst that challenges you faced, you had some postive relationship with some family members along the way too.

In response to: Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

OwlunarSenior Contributor22 May 2018, 4:32 pm AEST

Re: How do Carers managed when they need help themselves

That's true @Former-Member

I had a large extended family and the joy of young uncles who married and had cousins for me - but time has passed and people have a way of falling like leaves from the family tree and I am mentally preparing myself for time nature of time to take more - and can accept this

They are important to me - I have two uncles I am close to and they have helped me to understand the dissension my mother caused in the family and I have been hurt by this but it has not caused me to become bitter - it is the way my mother was

But here's the positive thing - all those who have gone ahead and those who have yet to go have taught me a great deal and I feel truly blessed

Dec

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