my lived experience

I would like to share with you my own journey and my families experience of mental illness. I consider myself to be both a consumer and carer.

Both my sister and I have been diagnosed with mental illness as well as my late father.

My childhood was generally happy, like most kids I liked playing outside, going to the park and spending my pocket money on a bag of lollies.

During my school years however, I was bullied by kids both in primary and high school, one time the police were nearly called in. I spent most of my primary school years by myself at lunchtime. When I started high school my results were below average and I was having difficulties keeping up with homework and assignments, but on the brighter side I had a lot of friends in different age groups that I got on well with.

However in year 10 we had to reapply to continue in Year 11 & 12 – my application was rejected and I had to leave at the end of the year, I left behind friends I had grown up with and familiar surroundings.

I had to start again at a public school, it was very difficult. I was the new kid, I found it hard to make friends, adapt to a new timetable/new rules and new surroundings that I wasn`t use to. I did however manage to complete my HSC.

I noticed that over many years Dads behaviour was changing, after he lost both his job and his own mother to cancer. he was talking to himself, playing music very loud, staring a lot, pacing up and down the hall way and was verbally abusive towards me and the rest of the family he was very hard to live with. I knew something was wrong.

My mother once had an operation which was supposed to be a simple procedure but it did go wrong and as a result she nearly died but luckily she got the correct treatment and after a long stay in hospital she was on the road to recovery.

This event seem to affect Dad alot, soon after he had some psychotic episodes and he thought Mum was using drugs, poisoning his food, then in one instance he poured the coffee out of the jar for my sister and I to check for drugs – one of the episodes was on Mother’s Day. On that particular day after the lunch we assumed he had just gone for a walk like he does most days but it become apparent to us as the afternoon progressed that something may have happened to him because he did not return home and had been gone quite a while we started to get very worried. Mum then noticed the Medicare card was not in it’s usually place – he later called and confirmed he had been to a local medical centre and that the doctor sent him to the local psychiatric hospital. He only stayed overnight, he discharged himself and came home the next morning. The local mental health team came to visit him the next day he wasn’t interested in there help but was referred by our GP to see a local psychiatrist he only ever saw him a couple of times and started taking an anti psychotic drug which he did not take all the time, therefore his moods were unstable, because of recent events my mother separated from my father for a few months fearing for her own safety.

It was during this time I started to develop what I thought were stress related symptoms – shaking hands, rapid heartbeat insomnia, and upset stomach. During the separation I spent one week with Mum and the other week with Dad.

Mum eventually returned home, Dad was still very hard to live with, Mum decided to return to the workforce, I was always in and out of training courses, casual jobs and government employment programs, I couldn`t get any permanent work at that stage.

My sister was also having her own problems with suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and self-harm she did get some help from a local adolescent health unit but the psychiatrist she saw refused to put on her medication. She ended up quitting school before sitting her HSC exams. She also had learning difficulties that were assessed in primary school but never followed up on and as a result she missed too much school.

She wasn`t coping at home with my Dads behaviour, she started going out all day every day to avoid him. One day unexpectedly she walked out and moved into a crisis refuge which then lead to a placement in supported housing.

During this time she became depressed started hearing voices, and attempted suicide by overdosing on medication. On her last attempt her stomach was pumped with charcoal, she never overdosed again. The local mental health team at first weren`t very helpful. They kept changing her medications and that made her more unwell.

Mum got hold of an intervention officer and my sister was assigned a case manager who was also a psychologist.

After two years of supported housing my sister had no choice but to move into private rental accommodation which did not work out for her. Her case manager suggested she should try shared accommodation that has support workers available. She was only there for a few months before she decided to finally return home, since then she has linked up with the local living skills program, respite service and many other support services. She is currently stable on medication and sees a psychologist regularly as well as our family doctor.

Dad had cancer for nearly 2 years – it was a rare blood cancer called multiple myeloma but unfortunately lost that battle in 2005 and died the night of my birthday. I am thankful I had this time with him because during his treatment he was given antidepressant medication and somehow he was back to the person that Mum first knew. It made such a difference in all our lives. His attitude changed, and he was easy to get along with, looking back now he probably should have been on both types of medication from the very beginning. However I have learnt since then that he had a very difficult childhood, he was sexually abused, he had no father figure, his dad walked out on him and his Mum at a very young age. My Mum told me a lot about the early years of his life that would have contributed to him having mental illness.

His Mum my grandmother many years ago was also taking an older anti-psychotic drug amongst her other medications. Mum saw the bottle once but at that stage did not know what it was for.

After working as a preschool assistant for a few years I decided that I would become a primary school teacher I applied and was accepted at a local university. It was always something I wanted to do from a very young age. But unfortunately it wasnot working out for me no matter how hard I tried. I did not pass all my assessments which meant I had to make up the marks in the exam to gain a pass grade I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to do well. In the end I passed 3 out of 5 subjects in first semester.

We then had 3 weeks of practice teaching in a school I got a Year 6 class I had been working with them during the semester so I knew the kids well, we were very limited in what subjects we could teach in first year it was only Maths and English.

I didn`t last 3 weeks after the first 2 weeks it was decided by the senior supervisor that my teaching skills were not up to standard and I was given a fail grade. I didn`t get much support from the class teacher or from the university. The decision had been made and I was asked to leave the school.

I was totally devastated I tried so hard to improve but my best wasn`t good enough. I did go back to uni for second semester but that was a total disaster so I left at the end of the year.

After that my own mental health took a turn for the worst I became very depressed and I did not seem to be coping with life I lost confidence in myself and my abilities, I saw my GP who is aware of our family history and she started me on anti-depressants and I had some counselling. I also struggled for the first few months after Dad died it was a difficult time. But I got thru that with the support of my Mum and sister.

I always remember Mum and Dad telling me to take one day at a time. Before Dad died he told me to be happy and to get on with the rest of my life. I have been stable on medication for many years. I have a good relationship with my Mum and sister who understand that I have a mental illness.

Over the years I have learnt a lot about myself, I think to survive a mental illness you need courage, resilience and perseverance as well as a good support network.

Today I am generally well and I am a survivor of mental illness. I think the most important thing is to take baby steps with whatever challenges life throws at you.

I took it upon myself this year to learn more about mental illness in order to help my sister in the future.

Over the past few months I have completed a Consumer Advocacy Course and Mental Health First Aid Course. I attend a local carers group and have completed some modules on Mental Health topics thru regular workshops they run. I am also apart of a local Consumer Advocacy Group.

Having a mental illness is only one part of me, I should be recognised and acknowledged and treated as an equal just like everyone else in the community rather than discriminated against.