One step forward 500 back

Hi, I'm not sure if I can offer any tips but I just wanted to say that I understand how hard it can be to hold your tongue sometimes. But I've also learnt that it gets you nowhere, fast. Do you monitor her taking meds as a change in mood sounds like a change in taking meds.

From the personal experience of my sister's (10+ year) battle with mental illness early intervention is so important. We have so much regret that we didn't push and push to get the right help and then make her stick with it. You never think things can get any worse, and then they do. As a parent, the energy, guily, worry, depair will never cease. My parents are in their 70s and should be relaxing but instead spend everyday worrying. So all I can say is do everything that you feel you can whilst your daughter is still so young. I hope she calms down and returns soon.

Sorry to hear of the distress of both of you.

I had left home at a younger age, had been working, and worked out survival issues, so yes they can survive without help ... but it is better for all if the growing into adulthood is graduated and co-operative.

I am sorry but I also think that sometimes home truths are necessary .. otherwise they may never grow up. So long as there is genuine affection and love.

I am a bit shocked at how babyish some of today's teenagers are .. 100 years ago people were doing heaps at that age.

Thank you, just having contact from someone is calming. Of course she has returned safely, although there was 2 hours of text and phone calls asking me to pick her up (at 3am) as she didn't feel right, I dug my heels in and said no and pointed out that she needed to make plans for getting home before she went out and to stop counting on me to be at her beck and call.. still feel a bit guilty about that,, but she did get home safely and seems in a relatively calm state of mind.. I find it diffcult sometimes to separate the mental illness (bipolar) from normal teenager behaviour and perhaps some manipulation (which she has always been good at). I must admit I don;t monitor her med taking and take her at her word that she is taking them as instructed, perhaps now I am on holidays I could monitor this more closely just to make sure it is happening.

It is so frustrating, it seems she has an external excuse for everything, i don't understand (noone does), she can't control her outbursts (excusing her from responsibility for the hurt she causes), she can't find a job (everyone only takes online applications apparently, and she doesn;t want my help)..or my favourite, i can't exercise, help around the house, walk the dogs etc because I'm lazy and tired from not sleeping... but no suggestions to improve her sleep are taken on as she knows they won't work...

I know in my heart that many of these things are just part and parcel of her disorder but at the same time can't help feeling that she is not making any effort.. this of course makes me feel guilty and reinforces her statment that i do not understand..

If anyone knows where I could get help and support for managing these feelings (apart from on here, which is a lifeline) I would be very grateful, family and friends do their best but I donlt always feel comfortable to express everything i'm feeling or tell them all about what is going on.

We have a lovely 6 hours in the car tomorrow as we go visit her grandparents, and she gets to see her dad too..

Thanks all for listening 🙂

Yes, they do seem like babies!! I'm just scared to push her, as far as I did my son, towards independence, yet I feel that is what she needs. I will always , always be here to support and help her , but i am uncertain as to whether she knows, believes or remembers this sometimes..

I'm glad she came home safely. I know it would've been so difficult telling her you were not picking her up but hopefully she will think twice before leaving the house again.

Separating illness from personality is something I still struggle with. For me, even after all these years, unless you have the condition, you can never fully understand what's its like. Don't forget, your daughter will feel like she's drawn the short straw and could be feeling a huge range of emotions in coming to terms with what her life has become. She would look at her friends lives then look at her own and feel how unfair her world has become. My sister gets very upset when she sees me do 'everyday' things we take for granted because of how debillitating her condition has become. And for your daughter, being a teenager with all the normal teenager angst would only exacerbate the situation further.

A lot of what you said about 'external excuses' rings true for me. Although, in my sister's case, medication side effects are to blame for most of it. Do you know why she can't sleep? When I've had trouble sleeping, I found listening to downloaded storm/beach sounds quite calming. There are also some great sleep meditations on youtube that worked surprisingly well. Trying to gett a proper nights sleep might be a first step in the right direction.

I guess a lot of your daughter's excuses could also stem from a general lack of motivation due to her internal struggles in dealing with these situations. Perhaps she is self sabotaging things like job hunting because she would worry about how she would deal with her illness in public? what if her co-workers found out? what if she had an episode? etc. She may also feel overwhelmed by what we think of as smple requests and so feels that doing nothing is easier then tackling just one thing. It could be a matter of baby steps like forgetting about everything else and just focussing on improving her sleep.

Sorry I don't know anyone to recommend but your Dr, Bipolar/mental illness organisations would be able to recommend a therapist or carer's support group you could join. I know there are lots of support groups that meet up just to chat and let out some steam. I think these days there is a lot more emphasis on help and support for carers.

A 6 hour car trip is a long time to talk 😉

You will have plenty of time to tell her you will always be there for her .. and talk a little about some of the tougher issues we all need to face in life ... and putting them off usually just makes it harder in the long run.

Keep it positive while you are in the car ... over-indulging people will make it tougher for the others with whom they try to form relationships ... find a way to bring up ethics and good vs bad discussions without getting pedantic or heated. It really meant a lot to me that my kids had values about more than just simply getting their own way. Once I had established that I could indulge and love them more completely when they needed it and also set limits ... gradually ... but definite and clearly.

So glad she is back home ... god they know how to put the terrors into us ... because we love them ...

Good Luck through the silly season.

For Untethered....my personal experience is that mental illness is a very long and difficult road...some parts of it steady; some pretty bumpy. And it is especially heartbreaking if it is your child dealing with mental illness.

I suggest you do join a support group, because it is those people who will understand more where you are coming from than regular friends or family..in spite of how much they might care for you. And that understanding is going to be vital to your well-being and ability to cope.

When it comes to your daughter's behaviour, there will be times when you are driven to the point of despair and you will find yourself willing to let your child go.

But I believe that hard as it is, you are likely to be the person who can make a huge difference in your daughter's life. She is young, and therefore, there is hope that she will better learn to cope with her situation; or that her doctors will find better ways to help her.

What helped me once, enormously, were the words of an doctor during an emergency hospital admission for my son...he said that my son had already incurred many losses in his life (due to his mental illness) and that he could not afford to lose me.

All the best.

Thank you, we are exporing some sleep music which she says helps her go to sleep but she still wakes after about 40 minutes and it all starts again.. I think this has to be our focus, I know how badly I function when i'm tired (which feels like all the time! ), so this is where I will focus my attention and in the meantime i will remind myself that everything else, while frustrating, can in fact wait.

🙂

Thank you I am starting to set imits and express my expectations more asertively, this doesn't always go down well but I need to perservere, knowing others understnd does give me the strength..now if i can just find a local support group.. a mission for the New Year 🙂