Handprints (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

It can be difficult to explain DID, when you say out loud that you have different personalities (alters) it can sound outrageous and to a lot of people unbelievable.

Its true though, I have a 'System' made up of different parts, fragments of myself, split away from the 'core me' when I was experiencing trauma. I experienced sexual abuse from childhood well into adulthood, resulting in the protective gift of dissociation. I do see DID as a gift, when things are too much to cope with, dissociation protects and preseves the part under stress.

I have child parts 'littles', teenage parts and adult parts. There has been a great deal of trauma in my life, people touching me without permission and scarring my body and spirit with their handprints. Seven years ago I was diagnosed and continue with the same counsellor. I have been undergoing psycotherapy with the goal of integration. Some parts have been integrated, 'partial integration.' They were able to tell their stories and find healing, other parts though struggle to use their voices.

I write poetry which helps, some parts express their trauma through art or music. Sometimes I don't want this to be my life, I push back against it and try to convince myself that I can be "normal" knowing full well there is no such thing as normal and that without the gift of DID I may not still be here.

Everyday is a challenge, but I have not come this far to give up now. I believe, like all people who are dealing with mental health issues that I am a conqueror. That's what I'm reminding myself of today, reassuring my core self of. Some parts want to give up, others are incredibly self-destructive and angry. I don't blame them, it can be a grimy world and there is so much pain. But like beauty from ashes, I have started to see that my core personality is WHO I AM. I am not who the world says I am or who those hands tried to make me. The system, the parts, they all contribute to the person I am, a person who loves fiercly, fights injustice and is a voice for the voiceless.

It can be easy for someone with DID and indeed many mental health issues to think they are either "too much" or "not enough." The truth is we are the ones who can handle it, we can embrace the journey of healing and use it to help others. That's why I came here, to hear stories of hope and to share mine.

May anyone reading know that there is always hope and in time the handprints will fade.

Much Love,

CV