Observing the Cycle

Gently Bentley @MoonGal

It is still great that you achieved lots of goals that will probably improve quality of life over time. It is so good to observe ourselves and be aware of feelings and triggers etc. I hope you work it out with your partner soon.

A spreadsheet sounds like a fantastic idea ... I take it you are graphing and annotating your mood and activity over days.

I rarely use colour pens/pencils but actually found it good to draw mind maps and other visual schematics to help get a handle on my mental states.. you probably already do lots of that.

@Appleblossom, thanks. Gentley Bentley indeed.

I haven't done mind maps, my god, I would probabaly chart the entire universe if I did that. Had given me something to think about, umm, though I am not sure what the goal is of the schemas? I know what a mind map is when you are creating a project or a new venture, but not sure how it would work charting the mood and thinking thing. Can you outline the process a bit, please?

I hadn't thought to use the 'charts' part of excel, I haven't quanified the columns, but I could , something else to think about. All thinking is rather hard in this low state though.

Not feeling as terrible today. 🙂 I made it permanent and pervasive before it was. (Note to self!) States MAY be temporary and transient.

Dear @MoonGal glad there has been a shift for you.

I am not advocating them per se. There was a book my brother's mother-in-law lent me on mind maps. They are just approaches I have used to stop myself spirally out of control ... to get stuff from inside of me out of me. Learning to express self in multiple ways ... bodily ... vocally ... on paper or other media ... through clothes and our food and homes ... etc.

I started out as a more sciencey nerdy type ... I couldnt afford to be arty farty til late in life ... so graphing and denotative approaches come naturally to me.

I also had more schizophrenic and personality disorder issues to deal with early in my life ... than mapping of mood ... does that makes sense. I was just replying ... though more recently, my son may be seen to have bi-polar ... I am not sure ...

You are artistic on paper ... it just hasnt been my forte.

When I was in the 90s I did psychodrama and sociometry and drew circles and venn diagrams about people in our lives ... that was different but a kind of mapping of social realities ... and I used to draw stick figures and notate them ... with social or emotional issues that were relevant.

It is important to develop a range of expressive modes ... words are not the only way. Sometimes it is just who we are ande sometimes we can work at it and it can come to be a craft or art

Develop what tool or approach would seem most beneficial to you.

It might not be relevant to you ... but for me it helped a lot as I was sifting through issues with a large extended family ... in-laws and blended family issues. ...

What a life. Inflammation and pain is roaring, bad nights sleep. I made the connection yesterday that autoimmune and mental illness may be connected. So was researching (online) and found some studies that indicate this may be so. It is a new (or rather a very old hypothesis that has once agin found favour and there are studies into it). I am in constant pain, I have strong immune responses to skin irritants etc. I have gained immense amount of weight on my medications and just crave SUGAR all the time, and in past few months have been just having as much sugary food as I want. I wonder if this is the metabolosing effect of my medication? I need to get onto a healthy eating plan and stick to it. I'm vegan, when I first went vegan I lost over 30kgs in weight and felt fantastic (although truth be told this was also post surgical and after a long period of hypo-mania and stopping drinking vast amounts of alcohol every day). Now all that weight is back on, I am sluggish, foggy, sick-of-myself. I also feel like I have done it all and nothing ever lasts. I have difficulty excercising becaus eof the muscual pain and back injury. I need someone to hold my hand every step of he way , to encourge and uphold my decisions, I can;t seem to do that for myself for very long. I don;lt want to throw myself into a hypo-manic "new thing" of weight loss and excercise and pretend (or experience for a while) that this thing is "working" when it might just be yet another 'project' or enthusiam that evetually wears off when the hypo-mania does, I want to have a clear plan and stick to it, with slow, acheivable goals. But am I just kidding myself? I cannot bear the sight of myself int he mirror, I have started wearing tent type dresses to hide the weight, and just feel so ugly and useless.

Last night my sleep was broken up (it usually is because of my back pain) and everytime I woke up I was obsessing about 'healthy eating'. How can if even trust myself to start? Maybe I need to make some appointments with a psychologist who can help me get aplan together. Why can;t I just get my own plan together, I am an intelleigent woman, I can feel the urge to go to the supermarket and buy a tonne of green leafy vegetables, and know (I have done this before) that this is just a very expensive way of making compost.

Sorry for inclicting my drooby, self-pitious self on the forums, I just can;t seem to shale this pain, this brain. I need help. 😞 Yet, I don;t want to go to my Dr, she has been great this year, helping me with my Disability claim, I smoke and I know that this is a major probelm but the thought of stopping is terrifying, all those feelings this addiction pushes down. WHy even bother to try to get 'healthy' while smoking? Except maybe it is better to be healthy slim and smoke that overwight and smoke. My inflammation is in the lungs, joints, sinus, everywhere, I feel like a balloon animal all tied up in knots.

Right, this is sad and unnessesary. I KNOW what to do, why can't i just DO IT? I want to start swimming again, but developed bursitis in both shoulders last time I did and they have never come 100% right since - so am worried if I start to swim i will flare up the bursitis. Bubble bubble, toil and trouble. I get in the pool and don;t want to waste my $5 fee so go straight to 20 laps freestyle. knock myself out with over excercise. I just need to go and do 3 laps, for a week or so, then build up slowly, and go doggy paddle or breast stroke - not over arm.

I know WAHT to do, just don't do it. I am nea ron agrophobis, I go out shopping and walk the dogs I am nice and friendly to people I meet, but I don;t really want to leave the house I make myself do it.

Not well today. I just want to be well, and normal. Acceptance is the key to all my probems today? yeah? Is it? Or is not accepting the status quo and going after something better, better? I dunno. What a crock of poo it all is. I donlt trust myself to be able to do this in any kind of balanced way so don;t want to even start, and sugar, oh, sugar is calling - and if I say "okay cut back" I am not a cut back kind of gal, I am an ALL OR NOTHING kind of gal. How do i proceed?

I can see this huge bowl of rocket and pine nuts, pumkin, balsamic and olive oil in my mind's eye. I should start eating more salad, lots of it, lots of leafy greens. Lots. But All i can think about is soy icecream and caramel sauce and chocloate and chocolate biscuits and quail at having to give that up. it's comfort food.

Why not both? in moderation. And excercise. Why not? I know all the good reasons why, but cant seem to get up and do it, I am so fearful of overdoing it.

MoonGal and Moderation are anethema to one another.

Moderation. Balance.
Balance.

I'm a mess!

New thing for me, picked up the phone and called a sensible, loving friend and moved beyond the hyper-hysterical moi. Good Moongal. Next step, small amount of salad greens, some green tea. Easy does it.

Hi @MoonGal,

I’m sorry to hear you’re not well today and feel like a mess, sounds really tough! Did you decide to keep tracking this in your spreadsheet of your cycle of moods?

You’re right, physical and mental health are absolutely connected, and can influence each other in so many ways. I hear that you are feeling really down about your weight at the moment, and that this seems to be contributing to you feeling sluggish, foggy and sick of yourself, is that right?

You mentioned having a goal around healthy eating, whilst being conscious of not throwing yourself into a hypo-manic project that wouldn’t be sustainable. I can understand the frustration (is that the right word?) of feeling like you have “done it all and nothing ever lasts”. I think noticing that this tendency to jump in in an “all or nothing way” makes it difficult to maintain progress (and indeed start when the standards are so intimidatingly high!) is a great insight and strength that will prepare you well if you choose to make some changes.

Your idea of having a clear plan, with slow, achievable goals is fantastic. Making some appointments with your psychologist to help develop this plan and stick to it could be really useful too. Do you think that is something you will do?

It sounds like you are being hard on yourself for finding it difficult to create and stick to a plan yourself. You’re not alone in feeling frustrated that you “know what to do but can’t just do it”. I think everyone feels that way about certain things in our lives - I certainly do.

Sustainable change can be such a challenge to achieve, for good reason. It sounds like “comfort food” has helped you cope with difficult feelings in the past, is that right? If so, it makes sense that it would be hard to change this pattern of behaviour, as it’s natural that you would turn to it again! It just sounds like now you would like to expand your repertoire of coping strategies so that you’re less reliant on this strategy. My point is, making big changes in an ongoing way can be very challenging, so being gentle with yourself along the way is a great idea

Keep us updated on how you’re feeling and whether you decide to take action on your healthy eating goal at this stage @MoonGal

All the best,

Shimmer

P.S. As I was writing my post yours came in about ringing your supportive friend and going easy on yourself, well done you!

Hi @Shimmer, I think I was so hystrical because I was fighting the compulsion. Being compulsed to do something is a horrible feeling, usually I would just dive in feet first and your right it is not sustainable. I went to the shops and did get some salad stuff, but it is balanced (well for me anyway) not JUST green leaves and that is a breakthrrough and will see me through a few days and for both our evening meals as well. (Not just buying something like 5 tonnes of greens as is my usual unbalanced compulsive act).

My dear friend who I called said "remember you also don't have any ovaries" (I had a hysterectomy and double oopherectony last year) "...as well and the medication and living with chronic pain - so, it's no wonder you have put on weight, and fat is not the worst thing you can be". It was very helpful. She even called me back a few minutes ago just to check in on me.

I will just start with eating salads for lunch instead of crumpets and jam. 🙂 that is a great first step. As it is coming up to Christmas getting an appointment to see a psychologist is probably not a sensible plan. I will go and see my Doctor in January again and make a plan. I will add this to my spreadsheet - and calendar to remind myself.

My friend also reminded me about my artwork and wondered if it would be good to get painting again. Instead of that (because all my paints are old and dried out and it costs a motsa to re do my painting kit) I stopped at the newsagent to see if they had any adult colouring books (I have never done that) and I found the most perfect one for me... (taking the micky out of myself here) ... "Zen Extreme"

So here is the 'balanced salad and perfect colouring book"for MoonGal.

Yes, I have noted this in my spreadsheet. I have no clue how I used to WORK full time and roll with these moods, thoughts and hysterias. It was good for me to get it all out though, I could have sat on this for days and nights just gone full flight over the top. Crisis was short, tempest over. Now for a salad and my first colouring attempt with the TV on to keep me company while the dogs sleep either side of me on the lounge.

Thanks for being there @Shimmer, and being careful in your paraphrasing, unpacking and helping.
Appreciate your time and effort.

I love colouring, a totally new thing. Cracked open my 30 year old set of 36 Derwent pencils, not bad that there are 34 still left. Colouring suits my OCD perfectly. It's like a mindfulness practice on ster-oids. 🙂 Can't believe this morning I was awash with hysterics. So happy to have cycled up and out of that so quickly. My rapid cycling and mixed state presentation is bl*ody exhausting. (All duly noted in the Mood spreadsheet.)