My journey

@Former-Member I can 'hear' that you feel very torn about opening up as you have had mixed experiences. It is really good you started a new thread so that more forum members who want to offer you support can do so. I'm sorry the experience of opening up is so challenging and scary at the moment, which makes it very brave that you have.

I hear that part of you doesn't expect responses. I just wonder as you were tagging people, perhaps the forums can be of some support? What would be helpful for you tonight as well as @outlander's lovely support?

before the post was deleted i did read it but had to log off- the one of the description of what you encountered. i am really sorry you had to go through that. no one should have to go through that sort of violence ever. 4 yrs might seem like a while to others but those who experience trauma it only seems like yesterday it was happening. it takes time to heal. @Former-Member im really glad your opening up and also have this thread now. i can keep up better on here too.

you know you could take up yoga again- is that something you would consider? you could join a class or do some at home with a dvd while your daughters at school or maybe you could take her with you and do a mother-daughter session?

you havent done anything wrong by the way, or harming anyone here, it was suggested to create a thread here and many people dont or wont go onto the worry room as its simply a venting thread and i would much rather help you than to just read what youve written.

@Former-Memberhave you tried journalling- you can jsut speed write to get out all your thoughts

sometimes that helps

triggers and flashbacks can be really unexpected inclusing when talking to people and without realising it as well. you get defensive becasue of those triggers. its like constant alarm bells and the need to protect yourself and your daughter

Triggers can come from anywhere and at the most unexpected times @Former-Member We often put up as our protection device a defence to everything and it is hard for anyone to break through that wall - and we certainly don't want anyone knocking it down as that would mean they would see how much we are really hurting inside. It is easy to say 'don't be too hard on yourself' but with so many people that have gone through trauma know - that is something we are really good at - being hard on ourselves.

It is also easy for others to say 'just sit with your emotions' but when there are so many vying for space in our minds you just do not know where to start or even what we are really feeling when they are all intertwined into one!

That is often the good thing about the forum and seeking support from others - there are people here who get what that is like without you having to really explain it - when you have been through certain things you can empathise with those going through similar experiences - so reach out as much as you need and people will be here to support you, 'listen' to you and help you work out what is going on for you.

I just want to give up inside i am screaming and I can't calm down I have a four year old that is constantly needing me I sat on the street earlier and just cried I feel weak and I don't know how much more stress I can honestly take I feel like there is no way out and I feel like I am never going to get through it I am sick of just surviving I am not living and I am sick of hurting like hell I can't be anyone's friend at the moment I cared about everything I cared about everyone i cared about people. I cry when others are afraid of me now too I just want to explode

All very natural things to be feeling when you are hurting so much @Former-Member

...and to have a 4 year old needing all your attention that makes it even harder to deal with - you don't have time for yourself and that can make you feel even worse.

It is hard to care about yourself when it feels like the world has turned against you but we are here with you and listening

Hi @Former-Member it sounds really tough for you right now and it is great you have support from others on the forum, however I am wondering as you are feeling so vulnerable and overwhelmed do you have a support person with you to care for you and your child? Do you know what numbers for support you can call like a parent support service or lifeline? Take care of yourself

@Zoe7I am sorry for attacking you the other day. I am so in my head sometimes. Today I feel a bit better. I worked all day so I guess I was distracted in a good way. I do feel that especially from the trauma when I am right back there where events happened.

I can genuinely say I have seen the other side of the world and in my head things just get dark

I have avoided certain people because I hate myself everytime it happens and don't want to feel what I feel when it happens but at times it has been unavoidable

I wasn't always like this. When I am working I feel normal. I hate overthinking. I just can't believe how much I have changed within this last week

I remember my ex telling me to never cry just crying even makes me feel weak now

I have been smoking like crazy when not at work and I want to stop but can't because my anxiety is sky high when i am in my head

I have had financial stress within the last week I don't know if that has triggered me
The longer time passes others mainly family keep telling me I am getting better but in all honesty I feel like I am losing myself more and more every day and falling more apart
It gets harder I just want closer I just want to feel myself