Retreater1Casual Contributor
Life of pain
Hello all or anyone, i am new and just joined this forum and this is a quick look at my story. I am now 57 years old and have suffered from depession since early teens and i have never really come to terms or been able to control the symptems, the anxiety and fatigue were constant but varied from extreme to low and with no set patterns. Sometime days sometime weeks in and out of different levels, i never could understand how or why and it caused me so much pain and suffering that it affected every part of my day to day living and decision making. I didnt know about depression then and thought it was normal to be this way but deep down i knew something was wrong and the level of frustration was extreme, i could never exceed in anything or maintain normal relationships with anyone because i just could not cope with being down and mentally i was so drained and scared i would retreat into my own world of pain. This went on for so long before i gave in went seaching for help that i was in a very bad place, had gone around in circles, made every bad decision and knew no other life but pain and struggle. I still dont know how i made it to this age, i really just dont know how i managed to be alive and working and not properly diagnosed or treated and how well i hid this from others by faking illness when down or forcing myself to get out of bed and just get through the day so i could come home and fall into bed again. I started on antidepressants and found some relief and managed to fall in love and to actually start to enjoy life, my partner already had three young children so i never did have any of my own but that was ok. Forward to about three years ago i tried to come off the medication as i truly believed i could cope ok and it was time to make the change, this lasted for about three months when things started to become a bit unstable again so i thought no problem i will restart the medication again. After only two days i had a major negative reaction to the same medication that had previously worked and ended up having a complete break down and off work for several weeks with extreme anxiety and panic attacks, i could not believe what was happenning. At the same time my beautiful partner was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer( she was a non smoker) had to start radiation therapy and stop working, it was a really bad time for everyone and i never got back to the same level of well being even with other antidepressants and had to have more time off work to try to cope with everything. My partner passed away after sixteen months of struggle and i did not cope well at all, some how i got through to be able to work again and resume the battle with my old enemy without effective medication. I thought my luck had changed when i got the chance to work overseas for one year and this went well until i became very sick with dengue fever then post viral chronic fatigue, even more extreme depression and back home and it has been five months since the sickness started and i am still not working and still trying to get the right help for ongoing problems. It has been a complete nightmare which no one seems to be able to help, yes i have tried everything. I now truly do not know how i am still surviving, i dont know when i will be able to work again( the company didnt have the right insurance and i am not being paid) or what the future if any is for me. I am very disapointed with the mental health and medical system and just lucky to have family to give me the will to go on. I was just wondering anybody else should be so unlucky to have experienced anything similar and can help
