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Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

Vlad88Casual Contributor16 Mar 2018, 6:33 pm AEDT

Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

Hi everyone,

I am unsure where to post about this, if this website is even appropriate, but do not know any other options. Someone please let me know if they have a better website to dicuss this.

I am worried about a friend.

In about 2012 she started dating a dropkick of a guy (only her second relationship as an adult). He only really spent the evenings with her and weekends they did his hobbies and drinking with his mates was always a priority. He met her friends and family only a few times and showed little interest in her life. During this time for example he did not even see her off or meet her at the airport when she went on holiday for 5 weeks to Europe (which he chose not to go on).

Early on in their relationship my friend told me he had only ever been single for a few weeks of his adult/teenage life and the rest of the time had had various girlfriends. This rang alarm bells for me, as I felt he was using her as he really only seemed to be aroud to share a bed and didnt take an interest in her life. They spent 2 to 3 years together and he never improved his behaviour towards her. One of his mates (i think on 2 occassions from memory) even told her to leave him as he was cheating.

Eventually in 2015 he ended things. But she has never moved on. For about 6 months after their breakup she saw him off and on and then that ended when it turned out he had another girlfriend. She honestly believed those 6 months that they were getting back together and working stuff out, when everyone else could see he was using her.

My friend then worked very hard improve her happiness, an overseas holiday, a different house, a new job, new sports groups etc. However she wouldnt even consider dating anyone else or online dating just to even see if there was a potential new partner.

Then in 2017 her ex and his gf broke up and my friend and him got back in contact. Ever since (6 plus months now), she has been trying to get back with him. She says she loves him and there is no one else and he just doesnt realise yet and he is sorting out his life and he leads her on, sees her, sends her a message to say nothing is ever going to happen and then it all happens again. Even though I don't agree with his behaviour, he has tried to end things numerous times and she wont let him, she does nothing to cut herself off as she wants to contact him until he agrees to see her again.

My friend is almost 29. She wants to be married, have a house and kid and a family life with this man. For more than 5 years he hasnt given her the love she deserves and has been letting her ruin her life by letting her chase him, without as he has even said to her, any chance of anything else ever happening. They go weeks/months without contact and then it all starts again. I may be wrong but i think she also purposely tries to run into him in public and at times she has said she may go do something on the off chance he might be there. I also think she lives away from all her family and freinds just because she doesnt want to move as he is close to where she currently lives.

Her friends, sister and mum have all tried to talk to her and help her understand this man does not love her and there is no point in thinking or hoping he will ever be who she wants him to be and she deserves more, but those conversations tend to lead to her telling us less about what is going on as its not what she wants to hear.

I just dont know what to do anymore, shes wasting her life on him when she could be doing the things she wants with someone who loves her. I have tried talking to her, doing stuff with her to show her she can enjoy being single, tried to find her a new bf, tried to just have a look at online dating in the hope she will see there are other men. Seems silly ideas, but I really dont know what to do. I have considered telling him to f off, but he would tell her probably and she would be upset and angry at me. She just isnt interested in anything other than him though and devoting her life to chasing him. She often looks sad and down and on the verge of tears at times. I worry that there is only so long that this can go on for her before she does crack.

Any ideas of how to help her move on from him so she can be happy again?

4 replies

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In response to: Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2018, 7:14 pm AEDT

Re: Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

You could of been talking about my daughter here who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. We have all tried to help and get through to her as well, but to no avail. Her relationships are dangerously destructive and she has also engaged in self destructive behaviours and lifestyle choices in the past.

Your friend's self esteem sounds like it is very low to accept such substandard treatment. She may not feel she deserves any better. I think encouraging your friend to seek counselling in the area of strengthening her low self esteem and discuss her obsession of engaging in a fruitless abusive relationship (although she won't see this) would possibly help her. She is lucky to have a friend that cares so.

In response to: Re: Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

Vlad88Casual Contributor17 Mar 2018, 7:22 pm AEDT

Re: Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

Thanks for the reply. I think you are right, her self esteem is low, she even has said in the past that she doesnt want to date anyone as she doesnt have the confidence and is anxious to try it. So I guess trying to save a previous relationship seems like the easier option rather than have to start new with someone else. I will encourage her to have councelling, but Im not so sure she will take the advice 😞

In response to: Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

Unknown userMember17 Mar 2018, 7:41 pm AEDT

Re: Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

@Vlad88 That sounds like me regarding the last part and some of the first

Never again, my ex was a drop kick and scarred me for life. It's true when they have knocked your self esteem to the s**t you start to believe you can't be treated any better or don't deserve better. Better than him...better than how you were treated. Many times i just thought of going back cause i still believe now i an worthless.

I look at myself now and see all the damage see how the people i attracted after and also know how much i have hurt others from it but i can't get it out of my head and will never go back to that because i know who i am now and how much i hate it and how much it messed me up but can't do anything about it i will never be that same girl

I have been there i engaged in self descructive behaviour and still do i have wallowed for almost four years and don't see myself not wallowing but just getting on with what i have to do and walking alone i trust NOONE i hate almost everyone and all that.

Sometimes i am myself most of the time i am not i have spurges of caring for others the. i think of all the things that made me fall apart then just act heartless

Until it actually happens to someone like myself they will never know and just know you by what chapter they walked in on and judge you anyway i just think sometimes well whatever i don't care

It's confusing

Thought about doing crack too but i know what would happen then...

Sorry you are on the other side of it

In response to: Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

Annabelle4Senior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 8:06 pm AEDT

Re: Worried about a friends self destructive relationship

Hi @Vlad88. I can totally relate to your friend. When you feel like you’re worth nothing, you accept any sign of having a warm body next to you at the end of the day. It doesn’t really matter how badly that warm body treats you, the fear of never having anyone is absolutely terrifying. It can literally freeze your whole way of thinking.

The best suggestion I can give is to engage her body and mind in things that mean a lot to her. These will help her to disengage her mind from him. Don’t be surprised if she fights this, just keep on making the effort. Little by little she will learn that she’s worth more than what he’s giving her.

Mosr of all, don’t ever give up on your friend, or she may decide to give up on herself too.

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