no idea what to do.

Welcome @Confused_husban

Even though you're really unhappy, it's great you're trying to search for answers and understand.

Sometimes that might help othes' respond is to tell us a bit more about her treatment (or lack of). Is she currently seeing anyone about this? It sounds like she has a diagnosis, so that's promising. The other question that pops to mind is how much insight she has into her mental health. Does she agree with her diagnosis?

While you wait for others' to respond, you might want to check out this Topic Tuesday we had a few months ago about BPD. Also @Brodie wrote a great tip sheet for family and friends that might find useful.

Welcome again, I'm really glad you found us!

Nik

Hi @Confused_husban

Sad to hear about the state of your household. My brother deals with something similar and it is really tricky ... is it BPD? Is it a hoarding disorder or going to develop into one?

I get on with that sister-in-law 70% of the time ... but her behaviour/home has not improved ... before she had kids she told me off for having a clean house ... and I am no clean freak. It is important to find some bottom lines that you can cope with ... in any attempt to manage the home of your children ... let alone your marriage.

My brother has tried to manage it ... now they have 2 kids (10 and 14). He is not the most diplomatic person and I get on with him about 70 % of the time too, but has done his best to love his wife, in his way. I try to keep even handed with them. His wife will not accept diagnosis so my brother is forced to let landlord and neighbours dissatisfactions legally "contain" the issue. He worries about the state of cleanliness of the food and the fridge ... with much past use date food around etc ... and tried to educate his kids. Note they have their own homes (many) but he moved into a rental waterfront to try and contain situation. So when the neighbours complain and the landlords take legal action they move on ... it has happened about 6 times ... last time he bought a shipping container for wife ... usually he hires workers to empty the house and facilitate each move... but each time it gets out of control ... his health has suffered.

I tell you this not to scare you .. but to get to the nub of the matter quicker than later.

Perhaps your situation is not as bad .. I renovated a house with hub when kids were young and the home was never home beautiful ... but each day I had a long list of chores ... for children, laundry, work, hub and renos. I am ok with approximately clean and tidy ... is it possible you are not seeing the actual work your wife does? ... I used to collapse with exhaustion on a pile of washing ...

Just giving my example and asking and trying to clarify ... taking your assessment seriously ... no offence meant ... good luck with it.

Hi @Confused_husban

Thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear things have become so difficult. I am sure the added pressure of raising a young family makes it all the more challenging for you right now. I am wondering, have you ever heard of the organisation COPMI? It stands for "Children of Parents with a Mental Illness" and offers a lot of terrific, evidence-based resources that can be really helpful for children and families. How has Christmas been for you this year? Please keep us updated on how things are tracking 🙂

All the best, Mosaic.