Is it really bipolar?...or is it just the effects of my messed up childhood?

Hi @Shelaughsalot

Welcome to the forums. I'm glad you've asked those questions... I don't know what normal is lol, is there any such thing?! I do think alot of the 'crappy stuff' that we experience after a traumatic childhood/experiences are very 'normal'. Its hard with all the labels, and I know that there are positives and negatives to getting a label, i.e. you can access more focussed help and treatments etc, but I don't like to be boxed in... I also think we're all so unique that mental health labels are sometimes thrown out there to just catch some of the main symptoms present. Which brings me to how i try to deal with my own labels. I tend not to focus on the names of the illnesses (major depression, anxiety, cPTSD) and focus on the aspects or symptoms or feelings that are giving me the most difficulty in my life and try to work on those with my supports - and she is ok with that too. I know some people find a lot of relief if getting a diagnosis as it helps them to understand and be more gentle with themselves as well. I have researched a lot about trauma and ptsd, some i can relate to myself, other stuff i throw out as non sensical for my situation.. but perhaps i will change my mind later?!

I hope you find the forums helpful and keep posting!

Are you getting any form of professional help since your diagnosis?

Cheers,

LJ

Hi @Shelaughsalot,

Another welcome to the forum. 🙂

I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2008 after a long time of being treated for anxiety and depression. I also had a traumatic childhood. I have seen research that indicates that childhood trauma often has a role to play in bipolar, as it can with other mental health problems too. I guess it's not an either/or question in my mind. The two often go hand in hand in my experience. As someone else has said before me, normal is a cycle on a washing machine, not anything that can really be applied effectively to the uniqueness of individual people. Some also believe there may be a genetic factor to bipolar. I think this may be the case in my family as I have cousins with the same diagnosis and clear mental health problems in other family members that went undiagnosed throughout their lives.

The way I see it, a diagnosis is just a label a certain kind of doctor uses to help identify how best to try to help us with our problems. It may or may not be correct. The bottom line to me is whether the treatment helps or not. In this regard, I have certainly felt better helped by the medications I have been prescribed for bipolar than what came before.

Interested to hear more about you and your specific circumstances as you feel like sharing. Wishing you well.

Thanks for the replies you guys 🙂

ill give a list of some of the things I have thought are normal...my husband doe not think they are normal at all but he has had a very lovely upbringing with a nice family so I wouldn't expect him to feel it was. What do u guys think? Normal for a traumatic upbringing (sexual abuse, physical abuse ect ect you know how it goes)

1- just living because I don't want to cause trauma to those I love and would leave behind. I know somepoeple think this is suicidal thinking but it really isn't. It's more like being stuck in a mediocre job that you just doing day in day out til it's time to clock out you know? No hopes of change or whatever, you just gotta do your job.

2- brain will not shut down sometimes, too much going on in there. So sometimes I can't sleep.

3- when a stranger provokes me I miss the mildly annoyed phase and go straight to white rage-I'll-drag-you-out-of-your-car-and-beat-you phase (I've always felt it's cause I have a lot of anger bottled up. I'm am lucky because the lifestyle I lead protects me from incidents where my temper could get outta control....I must say to that I only ever feel that way to strangers...when it comes to people I know I'm ridiculously tolerant and can easily make excuses and am very forgiving for there crappy behaviour.)

4-sometimes I feel like my brain is cluttered and as a result I sell all my stuff...like furniture ect til the house is sparse or my husband comes home

5- I can't start any projects because it consumes me eg. Like painting. If I start I can't stop til I've finished it, won't sleep til it's done and then my head is filled with colours (ok I know that one Sounds wierd)

So normal-ish reactions to crap childhood?

@Shelaughsalot,

I don't know what 'normal' really is so I'll simply respond to each of the points you raised from my own experience:

1. I relate to this in some ways. At least part of why I am living is because I care about the people closest to me and wouldn't want to put them through a suicide. So, also without being suicidal at this time in my life, I do at least partially live for those I love. Your comments about your job I can't say much about because I have a terrible track record with employment and am not working now. Sounds like you could do with a change of job though.

2. My brain is very active also and rarely gives me a rest. I have trouble sleeping at night, though I can nap a lot during the day if I allow myself to do that.

3. I'm kind of the reverse of you, mostly polite to strangers but in the past (and to my shame) my anger has exploded in verbal rants that were sometimes abusive to my partners and family members. It's sometimes said that those who have been abused can become abusers themselves through repeating that learned experience. This is a cycle I have been released from at this time in my life, with the help of psychiatric treatment.

4. Selling things in the way you describe is not something I've experienced, though I have spent more money than I had at times and was a bankrupt because of it many years ago.

5. I totally relate to getting obsessed with projects. For me it's been artistic projects that have involved 18 hour continual binges of creativity, followed by a day or two of collapse, then back into it in the same manic way until the project is finished. Then sometimes onto the next project with the same manic intensity. Not a healthy cycle and one I'm still working on getting out of.

I can't say if these things are a normal reaction to an abusive childhood. They well could be. But, for me, the issue would be more about whether these things are currently a problem in life. If they are causing problems, that's where the diagnosis and treatment may be helpful.

I hope there's something useful to you here. If not, I am at least hearing what you are saying and relating.

p.s. I like your username. Sounds like you laugh a lot aside from any problems there might be. Some say laughter is the best medicine... 🙂

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I guess we have to go through and start connecting the dots about the trauma and its consequences in our behaviour and attitudes ... in order to gain a handle on it.

So a resounding yes @Shelaughsalot .. Trauma informed ... therapies .. etc ... are currently big on the agendas for training of MH professionals ... sadly even though it has been recognised in the literature for decades that mi is usually triggered by events .. and that there isnt a simple gene which causes it .. many in the community dont bother to take that into consideration.

... hence our struggle with stigma.

So maybe as the mh field shifts its emphasis from diagnoses... which is just analysis ... to treatment ... we will have better outcomes.

Good Luck on the forum

Hi @Shelaughsalot (love your username!)

In response to the is this normal and then your extended explanations. I too have been diagnosed with Bipolar Affectove Disorder (Bipolar II), with a few other things thrown in. Lived through childood sexual abuse and other chidhood trauma too. I wonder if what happens is that we have a pre-dispoition in our gentic make up towards a particualr mental health issue - and trauma switches it on, like a flood of cortisol or adrenaline and the continued fear and anxiety of the abuse makes us hyper-vigilant and rewires our brains etc.

I avoided getting a diagnoses until I was over 50 years old - i just tried very hard through self-help and seeing psychologists specifically for the childhood trauma, there was though this obvious cycle that eventually caught up with me and was eventually observed by a psychologist and named and was identified as BP. Then a few years after that I saw a Psychiatrist and was diagnosed 'properly'. It fits, but then on another day I may well have been diagnosed with Schitzoid Affective because I also from time to time have experienced psychosis. Certainly other things that come with childhood truma - like anxiety, post traumatic Stress disorder and OCD are also features of my particular lived experience too.

I will also speak to your experience and share my experience with these things....

"1- just living because I don't want to cause trauma to those I love and would leave behind."
I totally relate, not necessarilythat I have periods of definate suicidal ideation, but definately have long periods of wishing I wasn;t alive. I have made a pact with my partner that I will not suicide. I take an anti-depressant because of this and it helps me.

"2- brain will not shut down sometimes, too much going on in there. So sometimes I can't sleep. "
Yep! I have learned to recognise this as when I am ramping up into a hypo-mania, but before I 'knew' that I had BP - I would just be ON 100% for days at a time, sleep was impossibile. OR - I would get to sleep - and within hours was wide awake and mind going 10,000 miles an hour.

"3- when a stranger provokes me I miss the mildly annoyed phase and go straight to white rage-I'll-drag-you-out-of-your-car-and-beat-you phase."
I used to switch into rage in an instant, I was always shocked at myself. Through my 20's I was a very angry woman and would start fights, attack police, break windows, trash cars etc. Once i had spent a lot of time in counselling these impusles lessened, but they were definately hair-trigger for me before I did some work on my past and what had happened to me.

"4-sometimes I feel like my brain is cluttered and as a result I sell all my stuff...like furniture ect til the house is sparse or my husband comes home."
I do similar things, alothg I tend to give my stuff away. On one hand I hoard anything that 'might" be useful, then other times when I am in a state and want to get 'clear' of stuff that is weighing me down I will pack perfectly good clothes that I still wear into a bg and take them to an op shop - I give away things, or make large donations to charity etc. My partner tends to help me pull in the reins again.

"5- I can't start any projects because it consumes me eg. Like painting. If I start I can't stop til I've finished it, won't sleep til it's done and then my head is filled with colours"I definately relate - When I am hypo-manic i will work for days with no or very little sleep, I become totally obsessed with the 'project' whatever that is a painting ahouse project, running a cmpaign to raise funds for charity. My partner descibes trying to stop me at this point as "trying to haul in a team of wild horses with nothing more than a piece of string". Good luck with stopping me at all, 'cos if you get in my way when I am full-flight I can get very irritated and angry and irrational.
I too have my brain full of colours, or words or images when I am working on visual or artistic projects, so they fill up my 'vision' and thoughts to the exclusion of everything else.

I am MUCH more aware of all of these states since my diagnoses and am learning to recognise the warning signs, and have a few tricks to help turn me down, or turn me up if depending on the state I am cycling into.

I am very glad I (finally listened to my GP and went and) got the diagnoses. This has resulted in some effective (for me) medication. i do not tolerate mood stabilisers or anti-anxiety medications both through me into psychosis - but have had good results with an anti-psychotic. That and the anti-depressant helps. I wish i didn't have to take them, having gained weight, though but am glad finally to have found something that really helps.

Thanks for the replies everyone :). I've not had a chance to reply, I was admitted to hospital as an involuntary patient...which in laymans terms equates to my being chased down by the cops and handcuffed taken to hospital and then sedated. Talk about getting totally out of control

I like that you managed to post ... not your situation .. best of luck in there .. hope you get good treatment and therapy.

I am not sure why handcuffs are needed .. sounds like a horrendous experience ... but it may get you what you need long term ... I hope.

1- just living because I don't want to cause trauma to those I love and would leave behind. I know somepoeple think this is suicidal thinking but it really isn't. It's more like being stuck in a mediocre job that you just doing day in day out til it's time to clock out you know? No hopes of change or whatever, you just gotta do your job.

Hi . I will reply in number fashio as well.

1. Yes Is was 'stuck " in a Rut life as well for a long time . Then I took a huge risk and changed jobs . to a less well paid one but in the mental health field where my life was actually a benifit to the work I now do.

Have a chat to an emloyment agency or career counselor there are a lot of 'tools and programs " for free ,out there that can help you identify work or activities that may sprak you. I found helping others ( which feels like it is against my nature ) fills me up rather than empties me out .. Who Knew 🙂

2- brain will not shut down sometimes, too much going on in there. So sometimes I can't sleep.

OHHH YES ...a big one ( I have for years tired building a perpetual enegrery machine )..

In the shed at 2 in the morning yelling at my magnets because they wont do what i want them to do ( they just obey the laws of physics damn them )

i have found Mindfullness techniques to help greatly here, it can be meditaions but dosn't have to be sitting in a weird position that hurts listening to a gong and smelling incence ( it can be ) but there are a lot of different things , have a look at what works for you.

3- when a stranger provokes me I miss the mildly annoyed phase and go straight to white rage-I'll-drag-you-out-of-your-car-and-beat-you phase (I've always felt it's cause I have a lot of anger bottled up. I'm am lucky because the lifestyle I lead protects me from incidents where my temper could get outta control....I must say to that I only ever feel that way to strangers...when it comes to people I know I'm ridiculously tolerant and can easily make excuses and am very forgiving for there crappy behaviour.)

YES ALL STRANGERS ARE ANNOYING. again mindfluness or being aware in the moment is the only way i have been able to moderate my quick temper . i fly off the handle then calm down quick, and expect others to do the same ..I now know that dosn't always happen ( just ask my wife she holds grudges lol)

4-sometimes I feel like my brain is cluttered and as a result I sell all my stuff...like furniture ect til the house is sparse or my husband comes home.

i have a house sizes shed in the back yard ( unbuilt been there for several years . what a great purchase )

I now do a walk away form both selling and buying . I force myself to wait one week if i still want to buy or sell. I then plan to do it at the end of a second week. i have found this reduces the ' ohh carp i shuldn't have done that " But try not to beat yourself up when you styff up..we all do it including those without a Mental illness.

5- I can't start any projects because it consumes me eg. Like painting. If I start I can't stop til I've finished it, won't sleep til it's done and then my head is filled with colours (ok I know that one Sounds wierd)

Sounds great..use it ..run Forrest Run.. this sounds like if used correctly a great mindfullness tool for you . I try to embrace my creativity when its on me , because i know at the low ebb its gone .. Give yourself time to do this every now and then set a time and let the colours flood your mind..allow it enjoy it and then you are controliing it . not the other way around.