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How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

MovinOn1Senior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 9:49 am AEDT

How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

I've returned to working in an awesome job, in a place that I love - I've never had another job like this where I feel so comfortable. I'm having a big problem with one of the people that work here as she's BPD and angry. She admitted she's BPD, said she's had treatment and is having ongoing treatment, and yet I'm absolutely terrified to go to work every day. I'm 20 + years older than this person and I've been dealing with BPD un-diagnosed for all of my 47 years (up to now anyway).

She snaps at me, won't speak to me civilly, and basically makes me want to cry a lot - of couse I take things personally. The thing is, I worked her job years ago. I know more about her job than she does, but have never ever said anything to her to make her feel that she's not doing a good job. I know the systems and procedures we work with better than her - I helped to develop them. I have a much more important position in the company (now) than she does, she's supposed to assist me, but I'm too fightened to ask her to do what she's required to do. I'm too scared to use the kitchen to make a coffee because she complains when I tidy it up (it's disgusting and I can't make food whilst it's in that state).

I've tried asking her questions that only require a yes or no answer, but she gets angry and still won't give me an answer. I'm still in probation as I returned after a three year hiatus and I need this job badly. Complaining to her (also my) managers gets me a meeting where the discussion centres on my behaviour - how I should be watching what I say - and "My Tone". It appears that everyone is accepting of her anger and lets her get away with it, but I'm being monitored for any transgression in case I "upset the team". I know I'm hard to deal with at times, but I will ALWAYS apologise if I even think I've said something that may have hurt someone's feelings - I worry about that a lot of the day as well.

I try so hard to stay "under the radar" and not to draw attention to myself, and I am so anxious every morning before work that I'm struggling to eat (it lasts most of the day and I have now had lots of days where I'm not eating anything at all aside from the coffee I make at home before I go to work). I also have Graves Disease and it's hard to manage it and any medication I need to take without food.

Help me out here guys, aside from hiding in my office for ten hours a day without coffee or tea or food, how do I keep my job and avoid dealing with her?

Do I simply need to "harden the f*** up"? As I said, management is more concerned that I'm going to upset the team and don't realise how her attitude is upsetting me and my work. I had a handover in another office for a week, and it was bliss not being scared to go to work.

9 replies

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In response to: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

RightomateContributor22 Jan 2018, 11:33 am AEDT

Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

As far as I know Im not bipolar though to hear your experience I am amazed at the similarities that I face in the work place. I at least understand what you are going through and feel for you I wish that I had an answer for you but that I will have to leave to someone with more experience to answer . Thanks for the question and I will be looking at the replies that you recieve.

In response to: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

Unknown userMember22 Jan 2018, 11:37 am AEDT

Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

Hi @MovinOn1

Sorry to read of your dilemma. Just to clarify things - is this woman under you? Are you her manager? Then if she isn't following directions and doing the job she is suppose to do then you have the authority to pull her up politely but firmly. Don't let her turn the tables around.

Is she the same with others? What do they do or think about it?

If she isn't under you I would personally leave her to someone else as the distress will bring you down eventually.

If she is rude constantly and not just having a bad day; if it is a real daily problem then point it out to her politely - we always have to stick up for ourselves for the good of our mental health. No job is worth that decline if it comes to a choice. Then speak to someone in management about her not following directions and lack of work performance briefly and calmly and leave it up to them to deal with or ask for support and guidance on how to deal with it better. Doing the right thing and showing sound judgment should not get you fired if you are doing your job satisfactorily.

If you feel you can't do the above you would have to ignore it which may prove too difficult for you?. If that is the case it could have adverse effects on you mentally over time and effect your work performance which could go against you keeping your job anyway. Best to address it now before it escalates.

That is my thoughts on it. Hope everything works out well for you.

In response to: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

TheVorticonSenior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 1:05 pm AEDT

Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

To add to Enigma's post, if you're bringing up to management again make sure you've kept a date/timestamped list of each interaction and what transpired so you have specific examples of where she has refused to do her job and has been uncivil in comparison to what you have said. Not sure if you did that last time but it hopefully should help to keep the management conversation focused on identifying and addressing the actual problem.

In response to: Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

MovinOn1Senior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 1:10 pm AEDT

Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

Hey Enigma,

This person is at a much lower level in the organisation than I am, and normally, I would be her manager. However, as there's been a bit of a shake up and some changes around personnel, it was decided that she would report to the same managers as I do instead of directly me.

She does the parts of her job that do not require interaction with me fine, however, I do business administration, payroll and finance and I need a certain level of detail and I need to know when things aren't working, or if there's an issue.

I know that having BPD means that I am super sensitive to what's going on around me, and anything that's said to me gets sent round and round and round in my head and examined from every angle. If I complain about her attitude toward me, do I become a whiny little b*tch because I'm over sensitive?

She complained that I was cleaning the kichen and I didn't know what I was doing (again, did I mention that I had done her job for a much longer period than she has been at it and dealt with a dirty office kitchen in more than one environment?) I had asked her to put up a sign sayng "No Sharps in the Sink Please" and she outright refused - her words were "No, I won't" - because no one would pay attention to it, and of course she knows what it means, she's done hospitality for 5 years. (I started working in hospitality at 14, flipping burgers and making coffee, I had my last hospitality gig about 4 years ago - I think I trump her in experience in both office and hospitality experience). I have also had microsurgery on my hand due to a small sharp kitchen tool used for slicing up food (can't use the normal word as it's against moderators rules) being left in a sink full of dirty water - I don't think that my request for a sign was pushing the boundaries.

I don't clearly know what her full job description is, however, I do know what she's supposed to be doing in relation to my job. I want to remove her from all of it and take it back to my admin team - fully because I don't want to have to speak with her, or deal with her - at all.

This shouldn't come down to "It's either her or me", that's not an adult way to deal with this, and I know it. I also don't want it to become about "Tattling on her to the managers" every time she won't fulfill a request, and I really hate that I have to send an email to the managers to get them to ask her a simple question because she'll make me want to cry if I ask her directly.

This job is worth it - I've tried in so many different environments, and this is the only one where I can be myself (to an extent at least) and I know that the rest of the people here don't hate me, I've known some of them for more than ten years and they're my friends.

I can't be any more honest than I have, and I can't deal with the anxiety she's causing me - I also don't think she needs to lose her job, it's hard enough to stay employed for people with BPD.

I sent her an email letting her know why I am working four days a week - because I have BPD. That's how I know she also has it (although I'd suspected it anyway). As far as I can tell, if she's had teatment, and she's still treating people this way, then I may as well cancel all my treatment now and accept that there's no hope for me. I would have thought that she'd be more sensititve to my condition, but she seems to treat me much worse than anyone else in the whole office. I don't expect special treatment, but if I spoke to anyone like she is speaking to me, I'd be reprimanded hard and fast.

I made it clear to her that I am sensitive to my surroundings and others in the office with an email I sent to her which included the following:

"I'm hiding in the office because I really want this to work out here........If I stay in here, I won't have an "outburst" or there won't be an "incident", and I won't hurt someone's feelings, or say the wrong thing, and there won't be a complaint made about me, and I won't be forced to do some stupid emotional intelligence training that only works for people that are normal."

I have a regular meeting with my managers about business things once a week. I'll write down what I want to say - and you know that's going to take hours and hours of writing and re-writing until I think I've got it right - and tell the managers how I feel. I don't want this to get worse though, and if she feels like I'm persecuting her, that's what will happen.

I don't feel like there can be a "Win:Win" situation here, and it makes me sad as well. She's not a bad person, there's obviously something going on with her that she feels threatened by me, however, I need this job and I'm willing to fight for it if I have to.

In response to: Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 1:24 pm AEDT

Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

@MovinOn1 wrote:
As far as I can tell, if she's had teatment, and she's still treating people this way, then I may as well cancel all my treatment now and accept that there's no hope for me.

Hi @MovinOn1,

Having a mental health condition and treating other people badly are not one and the same thing. BPD is a mental health condition that can be treated. Rudeness and showing a general lack of respect are not.

In response to: Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

MovinOn1Senior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 1:51 pm AEDT

Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

I'm quite conflicted - am I being over sensitive, or is she being rude?

In response to: Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

TeejSenior Contributor22 Jan 2018, 2:12 pm AEDT

Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

Hi @MovinOn1,

i have no experience with what you are experiencing in the workplace (not worked for a long time) but I have BPD traits. My opinion is a bit like @Phoenix_Rising in that there is a line where bad behaviour can’t be excused for having BPD. Im totally in support but some where along the line is the point where behaviour is harmful and unacceptable regardless of what causes it. I’m very much like you with being extremely over sensitive and reading your post scared me that it shouldn’t have to be a you or her situation. I think somewhere there needs to be a bit of both. She needs to be accountable for her bad behaviour and you could try finding strategies that help you be less sensitive to this work situation. I’m writing this cringing knowing I’d be freaking out in your shoes just now too. I think recently I’m more aware of trying to work on the things I can change but it doesn’t have to come at the expense of me. Constant bad behaviour like you are talking about is a form of bullying too. I think that’s how I see it from the outside looking in. When I’m in the middle of these things my brain goes a million miles an hour trying to sort it out too. It’s really hard to see beyond what we feel. I’m not sure whether this is helpful but I just wanted to say that it’s probably helpful to find some kind of middle ground where you cope better with her but she can’t continue treating you badly either. Having your extra compassion and empathy around this situation is fabulous but your mental health is just as important than hers. Best of luck.

PS sorry for the long ramble.

In response to: Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

Unknown userMember22 Jan 2018, 2:22 pm AEDT

Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

Hi @MovinOn1

Thank you for the reply. I agree with what @Phoenix_Rising and @Teej said 100 percent. I dont think you are being over sensitive from what you posted - but if you are concerned or confused perhaps ask your friends in the office their thoughts on her behaviour to know for sure. If she is being rude you have grounds to act to protect yourself from bullying. The points @TheVorticon were a good idea.

In response to: Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

MovinOn1Senior Contributor23 Jan 2018, 4:33 pm AEDT

Re: How do I deal with another BPD person in my office?

Oh Teej, Thank You! You have reminded me that I need to stop worrying about those things over which I have no control - I.E. Her behaviour. I will concentrate on the things that I can change (my response to her behaviour), and try (as the AA motto so cleverly puts it) to know the difference between those things.

You are absolutely right. I spent today working from home, and I've been thinking about how I can get the things done that she needs to do without her feeling like I'm trying to tell her how to do her job, or making her feel like she's having responsibility taken from her. I need to make some changes to her role - simply because I can now cover some of those things myself, the previous person here switched off a few months back (maybe more) and it meant that she'd been given responsibilities to cover their lack of diligence.

As much as I'd like to keep it informal - I'd realy love to be able to have a pleasant chat with her about why I'm here and how we can help each other - I'll definitely be following the proper channels and asking my managers to redefine the roles and responsibilities we share so she knows that I appreciate all that she can do to assist me in my role.

Hiding in my office made me feel left out of the team, and they notice those things - it makes them feel like I don't want to be apart of the team and that's totally the opposite!

I knew you guys would be able to help me out, thanks so much for taking the time to resppond, it's made my day much better. 🙂

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