Hanging on , just

Welcome. Sorry to hear about your son and the breakdown of your marriage. I dont believe that unconditional acceptance is the same as unconditional love. As a parent we sometimes need to make stands about behaviours for the good of our child.

I have dealt with some similar issues in the past with my son but have managed to encourage a lot more healthy attitudes and behaviours in the last few years.

@Jannahas recently found a residential facility to help with her son.

Good Luck

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about the ongoing problems with your son. Many of his behaviours sound very similar to my son, although my son is not narcissistic. Unfortunately the residential care facility that @Appleblossom mentioned only caters for adolescents up to the age of 18. However, earlier this year my son spent 1 month in a private young persons mental health unit which caters for16-30 year olds. He responded positively to this but unfortunately his depression and old habits have returned. From my understanding multiple personality disorder is the same as dissociative identity disorder (just different terminology). Usually there is a "host" or adult personality which is the the "apparently normal person" and is the one which is usually in control. Triggers are responsible for the individual switching from one alter or personality to another. Have you been able to ascertain which one is the dominant personality? If this narcissistic behaviour is associated with the dominant part then it will be very hard to address and can only be done with ongoing long term therapy - often over many years. If this behaviour tends to be more associated with an alter then the key would be to find what triggers him and create an awareness in him about it and also try to remove/reduce the triggers. The more an individual with this identifies with the different personalities and has an awareness of them, the more they are able to understand and control them.

I can fully appreciate how frustrating this must be. If he is not responding to requests to do anything or engage in normal activities the best you can do for now is do nothing. This is the approach I've had to take with my son. I no longer request anything of him or try to impose any rules because this was activating a defiance in him and anger/stress in me. Despite annoying you and creating enormous tension he needs to feel secure with your love as there is usually one part that is persecutory and destructive that will feed off feeling insecure.

I agree that residential care would be good to break his bad habits and to develop a healthier and more compatible lifestyle. In the meantime he needs therapy on a regular basis. Please explore the private health sector for these units. If you have private health insurance at the right level they will pay for it all. I'm not aware of what exists in the public sector. Please talk to his health care providers about this.

In the meantime please try to understand that this behaviour is part of his mental health disorder and only constitutes part of who he is. It's very easy to forget this and believe that they are behaving in a deliberately defiant manner. I have always found that shifting my focus from the negative where I only saw everything that he didn't do, to a more positive one and being appreciative of other things such as his willingness to get help, etc. has helped me alot.

Remember to get adequate self-care along the way as well as this will help keep your stress levels down and increase your capacity to cope.

All the best

Janna ❤️

Hi @TMCC/Tom,

Things sound they are bursting at the seams at your house

I'm wondering if you've gotten support for yourself? I think it's great that you've come on here to get advice. Taking to others can be helpful to get things of your chest, and to gain some new insights. Would you consider calling Parent Line?

May I ask if your son has support? You mentioned that he has multiple personality disorder - was it a doctor/psych that diagnosed your son with this? I ask because getting some ideas about how to manage your son't behaviour from his treating team can be helpful,

To @Appleblossom's point regarding @Janna's son and resi rehab - here's a link if you'd like to read more about it and make contact with her.

Hang in there, Tom. Things can get better...

CherryBomb

Thanks

Yes I have had some counciling , it helps.

My son has been diagnosed by phycologist and a phychiatrist. The therapy helps hi greatly. Just a long journey at a very slow pace.

Interesting thing, I read once one of the best things you can do when feeling depressed , help someone.

My sons best friend ended up homeless through no fault of his owne and is living with us. His girlfriend ( a lovley girl) has also ended up with noware to go.

I found when I could actualy do something positive in other peoples lives who are dealing with a situation far worse than mine, it improved my mind set.

Your thoughts and support are greatly apreciated.

Thanks

Yes it is true that stands need to be made to move forward, I think it is just the pase of improvement can seem so slow.

Acceptance helps me through the long journey.

Thanks

Thanks Janna

I think we are dealing with the same condition with our sons.

He is in therapy which is working slowley. Need to take the small wins when they come along and brace for the regressions when they occour.

My son and as a result I am becomming aware of the personalitys and beginning to identify triggers through his therapy.

Finaly found someone who he relates to.

Keep in touch, it is nice to know someone who understands

Tom

Hi there, I am new to the forums but just read your post and it describes my son in every way except for the multiple personality disorder. So I am finding his behaviour extremely frustrating, and as of yet, we have not sought help exept for the occasional counselling to get through secondary school.

He is 18 now and I am wondering if i should try to get some sort of diagnosis. I am not even sure where to start. He resists help and self medicates. I feel that his behaviour is anxiety induced and this has snowballed into lack of self confidence and has been going on since he was 13.

He often wags his work , (amazing they have put up with that) and he has major aggression tantrums in which he throws things and breaks them (like his own glasses) as an excuse not to go.

I need some suggestions as to how to ask him to seek help. The last counsellor was 2 weeks ago, a one off session through his work place and he said he wouldn't go back because he thought she was being critical and judging him. I sat in the session and I thought she was not at all confrontational but merely asking him questions to see what his thoughts were. He obviously didn't like that and has never enjoyed being asked questions.

I feel the same as in Tom's post - Hanging on - Just! It's difficult to tolerate abusive, narcissistic behaviour and no contribution to helping in the household. If he wants something, he's there just barely to help. Hubby and I conflict in our approach as hubby gets quite angry and frustrated with him - not constructive in my opinion.

Thanks in advance for any replies and best wishes to all.

Hi There

Yes you should get your son a diagnosis. This can be a frustrating path at times. I don't know where you live ,

I found Headspace www.headspace.org a really useful reasource.The can direct your son to the most apropriate treatment.

From your perspective the diagnosis will help you deal with him. Particularly you husband, understanding helps you practice accepance, learn how you can best manage your sons condition. and your lives.

Even get some counciling for you and your husband, I understand how frustrating, upsetting dealing with a child with mental health issues can be. It can be destructive for relationships. My wife like your husband reacted with anger and frustration which only escalated the problem. We have been seperated for nearly 12 months now. Take the time to talk through how you deal with your son with your husband. If you can be 100% on the same page, you can support each other.

It is journey and at times a long and dark one, but once you have identified what it is you are dealing with and found some treatment suited to your son things do improve.

You still have your hard days/weeks but on balance knowing you are heading in the right direction helps to build the strength needed.

Lastly be kind to your self and your husband. Get away for a weekend, go for a meal have some fun.

Since I posted my Haning on Just we have got back on track, there is help out there for you and your son.

Kind Regards

Tom