I'm new here and want to talk

Hi @EternalFlame, welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you have had it tough so far in life. I'm 55 now and ran away from home and mum when I was 16, and never returned. Like you, I was too ill in my 20s to hold down work and lived on centrelink benefits, interspersed with failed attempts at jobs. Like you this meant scrimping on essentials, many times not being able to afford bus fare, food or other basics. All the time living in high anxiety over how to survive, and with crippling depression.

I get furious inside about people who think we are 'dole bludgers' (as if it's an easy ride!). These days I avoid people like this like the plague, even those who are family. Just for my own peace of mind. If stories like that come on TV, I switch over. I don't read those news stories in papers or on the web. I see it as simply trying to keep myself safe, and to be kind to my own mind.

It seems an amazing achievement to have got so far in the process of getting your car and licence under these circumstances. So first of all I'd like to congratulate on doing that, despite the current stalling in the process.

I am so sorry to hear of the way your mother died, how difficult that must have been for you. It's not surprising that you would still have difficult emotions related to it.

You say you have seen psychologists. Have they offered anything that's been of any help? Did you feel there was a good connection between you and the psychologists you saw. I've spent most of my life thinking I couldn't be much helped by psychologists. Until recently when I found one who is really great. Sometimes it means just trying again until you find someone you like.

Unfortunately I don't think there's a quick fix to your problems. I do think some form of psychological or psychiatric support is needed. I'm not a believer in self-help books because I think it's very hard to treat yourself, if you know what I mean. Even if the content of what a psychologist says is the same as what's in a self-help book, I think it's just much more effective when there is a real, live, skilled and qualified therapist to assist with the process of healing.

I didn't really intend this message to be quite as long, but wanted to cover some of what you raised. I hope there's something useful in my response. In any case, I wish you well and look forward to seeing you more around the forum. This place in itself is a great support for many of us, and I hope you find it as rewarding to be here too.

Hi @Mazarita, thank you for your relpy, I really appreciate it.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one who's been through something similar to what I have been through. My mother was mentally unstable for the majority of her life, and unfortunately, she prferred to take her rage out on the people around her, rather than go and seek help for her condition. I suspect that she was also narcissistic, so trying to get her help was all the more difficult.

After I left, I cut off all contact from her. I didn't visit or even talk to her. Part of me is blaming myself for how she died, but I know perfectly well that she brought it upon herself. She was a horrid chain-smoker and had a history of alcoholism. From what I was told, she had congestive heart failure due to the smoking. Just before she died, she went to her GP, who advised her to go up to the hospital for immediate treatment, because her heart was just about ready to give out. She went home and died sometime after that, probably that afternoon, after seeing the doctor.

It dumbfounds me as to why the doctor didn't send her up in an ambulance then and there, when she was seeing my mother. At least she could have died with some dignity in the hospital.

I've had a checkered history with psychologists. It all started with a guidance officer at high school. Long story short, The principal noticed I wasn't doing well and I was made to go see the guidance councellor. I was sworn to secrecy by my mother about the abuse going on at home. After the interview, the guidance councellor made the big mistake of calling my mother, explaining what had happened at school. As soon as I got home, my mother blew right up and raged for hours about how I had 'betrayed her by talking to the enemy'.

When I was being bullied at my first job, I was made to go see their workplace psychologist after I had a couple of breakdowns. The thing was, I was being bullied by my Supervisors/Manager, and none of the staff higher up the chain woulld believe me. In fact, the staff accused me of making stuff up and that 'it was my anxiety talking' and that I was being too judgemental.

There are other incidents, but they're too long-winded to describe here. It would be nice to find a good psychologist, but I just don't trust the majority of them, after what I have experienced. Because I am on centrelink, it reduces my options considerably as to who I can see. To me, I have received more help from self-help books than from psychologists. Everybody is different as I have found when it comes to mental health treatments. Some people do well on antidepressants, while some people don't. It all depends on the individual and their needs.

Hi @utopia, thank you for your reply.

Anxiety and depression can be a real pain in the butt, especially when you're trying to beat it and get stuff done. I couldn't agree with you more about being strong. Some people just don't know what it's like until they live though what we have been through.

I like your icon too, it's really cute. 🙂

Hi @Former-Member, thank you for your relpy.

Not sleeping well is a real pain. As soon as the depression hits, my whole system goes out of wack. It's real hard especially when you have to get things done, but you just don't have the energy to do them.

Hi @EternalFlame, I feel for you with the self blame component of your feelings about your mum. It's good that you can see that she was on her own path of self-destruction. Your history with psychologists is in some ways similar to mine prior to finding my current therapist. But it has taken years, and repeated attempts to find someone I could relate to, in order to find her. So I can understand how you feel about psychologists. I think it's great that you have received more help from self-help books. You are right that it really depends on the individual.

@Mazarita Thanks for understanding. 🙂

Yes, it can take years to find the right therapist. Becaue of my current circumstances, I can't expend my time and energy looking for the right therapist at the moment. I think that''s why the self-help books have helped me more. I can turn to them any time, regardless of my current situation and maybe get some ideas or relief from them. Plus reading is good for the brain.

@EternalFlame, I wish I could read books. I used to be an avid reader of novels. I am on medications for bipolar that have somehow taken away my ability to concentrate on novels now. I read a lot online, in the fragmented way the web seems to generate. But sitting down with a good book where I can imaginatively enter the world of the novelist is out of my reach now. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make though, for the much needed asistance I have had from the meds. But it's great that you have found something useful in the self-help books, and just reading for brain food.