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Lying addiction and grief

jazznerd3Casual Contributor08 Jan 2018, 3:17 pm AEDT

Lying addiction and grief

Hi- I'm new here and I have just begun exploring BPD. My GF read some of the symptoms to me and I related with most of them. I have a problem with lying and I need guidance. I feel like I have no control over my life. My mom is only 54 and her brain has deteriorated (still no diagnosis) and she has suffered strokes which has lead to her being unable to recognize me, communicate or physically function. I moved in with my grandma who is 88 years old. She's somehow still very independent but she is emotionally torn up over my mothers health. My mom and grandma were very codependent with one another. My mom and I didnt have much of a connection in the recent years and my grandma is constantly treating me like a child and trying to keep me from being independent. When my girlfriend and I moved states to be with my grandma I was very upset and felt forced into the situation because there were not really any options. With my mom in the hospital and my grandma in pieces and completely alone in NV I felt I really had no choice. Our lease was ending and the surgeries were beginning so we moved before we had jobs lined up hoped that my grandma would help us get by while we sorted things out. She has a good amount of money saved but insists that she bequeath it to my mom. This is a point of contention for us because I feel my mom has no use for it. She is taken care of by the state and doesnt understand enough to appreciate any material things or experiences that the money could buy. On the other hand I feel I have always struggled because of the lack of independence that they fostered in me. I'm 25 and I can't drive- no one taught me and my parents (grandma and mom) never got me lessons. This has been a huge set back for me and its only one example of how I feel they owe me in some way- at least some type of help so that I can be more successful.. Long story but I have been stealing from my grandma for years. She knows that I do it. She reads her account and questions me but then she says its okay and I just kept doing it and the cycle repeats. I know I should feel bad about it but I just don't... The thing I do feel bad about is that I lied to my gf about the stealing. She knew it was a thing in my past but didnt know I still did that.. I told her that I had stopped. She found out and was very upset but she forgives me fairly quickly and then we move forward as usual. I dont want to lose her- but I feel like I cant stop f*cking up.

5 replies

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In response to: Lying addiction and grief

BookwormSenior Contributor08 Jan 2018, 11:39 pm AEDT

Re: Lying addiction and grief

Hi @jazznerd3,

Welcome to the forums! It sounds like you're dealing with a lot at the moment, I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten so difficult for you. Are you currently connected with any sort of professional support?

Regards,
Bookworm

In response to: Lying addiction and grief

jazznerd3Casual Contributor09 Jan 2018, 7:48 am AEDT

Re: Lying addiction and grief

No I am not.. Since we just moved my insurance has been cut off and I have to reapply in the new state. This process could take a while. However before we moved I had started seeing a therapist and taking an SSRI med that my Dr. prescribed. In the meantime I'm looking for in person, online support groups or other free resources and maybe books.

In response to: Re: Lying addiction and grief

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2018, 12:11 pm AEDT

Re: Lying addiction and grief

Hello @jazznerd3

A very warm welcome to the forums 🙂

It sounds likle there is a lot going on for you and you are wanting to make some changes but thing's are getting in the way of allowing you to do so, if you are able to get some extra support to do these things that sounds like a really helpful start.

It is great you have come to the forums to get some extra support, there are some other members with experiences of BPD, you might like to read through their threads - @outlander has a great thread called 'BPD' and another great thread by @DeeDee2 called 'BPD'

Some other resources for you-

Australian BPD Foundation
http://bpdfoundation.org.au/

Support Promote Advocate for Borderline Personality Disorder

A group of volunteer consumers, carers and clinicians passionate in encouraging a positive culture around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and promoting the ready availability and accessibility of appropriate services for everyone impacted by BPD. Website include:

What is BPD
Treatments (Guidelines for the Treatment of BPD, Psychological Therapies, Factors for Effective Treatment, How to access treatment, Role of Medication)
Resources (Emergency help, Support for ....., Books)
Sponsors: Partners in Recovery, Mind, Mental Health Australia, Aust Dept of Health

We also have some social threads if you would like to drop in to say 'Goodmorning' for some company - I look forward to getting to know you better

Lunar

In response to: Lying addiction and grief

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2018, 7:52 pm AEDT

Re: Lying addiction and grief

Hi @jazznerd3

Welcome to the forums, im sorry to read about how difficult things are and your mum's medical difficulties too, she's so young, sounds very sad. I think you've also been really brave in being so forward and honest in your story here, thank you for trusting us with that. Can also hear, i think, that you're feeling a bit trapped by the things that you don't have... yet. I didnt have anyone to help me with things like getting a license or things like that either and left home young for a variety of reasons though i did have to keep going back to look after my mother when she was very ill until i ended up cutting off contact. It is possible to get your independence on your own, though it takes a lot of time. Maybe getting your licence could be a goal, though i also know how hard and expensive it can be!

It sounds as though you have a a caring and kind gf which is great! Are you settling in ok to your new community?

Take care

In response to: Lying addiction and grief

jazznerd3Casual Contributor11 Jan 2018, 7:36 pm AEDT

Re: Lying addiction and grief

Thank you. My girlfriend is an extraordinary person and helps everyone. I actually got my permit recently (thanks to her help) and she's helping me practice driving. One of the positive things about moving back is that I have a strong community of friends and colleagues.
I certainly considered not coming back to help my mom and grandma, due to the fact that we haven't been close in years even though I lived with them up until this last year. Though, I felt obligated as my mother's only child to do something. My girlfriend is my moral compass and she convinced me it would be the best thing to do. We were living together in a city about 4 1/2 hours away from my home town for about a year. I was at work when my girlfriend called me and told me my mother had an accident and was in the hospital. Within three-days we both quit our jobs, packed-up our stuff, and moved-in with my grandma to assist her. For about a year, my 88-year-old grandma was alone in taking care of my infirm mother. Despite my grandma's other children living only a few hours away, they have done little to help. My grandma's son gives money every now and then, but he doesn't really visit and her other daughter basically cut off the family. My mom is my grandma's youngest child and despite some of the tension in our relationship, I still love her and don't want to see her suffer, especially at the end of her life.
I've had drug issues in the past and I've stolen money from my grandma and have stolen from her even after getting clean. Sometimes I feel her and my mother didn't do enough to set me up for the real-world and they've smothered me into a corner. My girlfriend thinks that my grandma is codependent on me and my mom. She constantly tries to do things for me that I don't want or need done and then she makes me feel guilty for doing things I shouldnt have to feel guilty about-like spending time alone. I'm not trying to justify my egregious actions, I just felt so desperate to get some relief I committed some dubious and selfish acts in order to meet my own needs.
One of the negative aspects about moving back to my home town is difficulty for me in finding a job, since transportation options in my parts are limited and many positions require you to have access to an automobile. The other town I was living in with my girlfriend had more transportation options, so it was easier for someone like me to get to and hold down a job.
You mentioned that I can get independence on my own- my gf helps me with a lot of this stuff but I want to be able to help myself more. I don't even know where to begin- she even helps me with knowing what to say in this forum. Does anyone have any tools they suggest or books they suggest that can help me improve myself?

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