JannaSenior Contributor
A Bit of Carer Burnout Happening Here I Think
My absence on this forum over the past xx months does not mean that things have been travelling smoothly. To the contrary I've been busy, busy, busy. Overall, I would say that things have been better than they have been in the past, but they are by no means good or anywhere near it.
I can't even begin to describe the intensity of the past 2 months. It felt as if everything was reaching an end of year crescendo. I was insanely busy at work and trying to achieve unrealistic deadlines, my daughter fell ill and underwent an emergency appendix operation followed by some minor complications which kept her in hospital for 4 nights. My son decided to not go to therapy and had some extremely emotional and aggressive outbursts in which he threatened to end his life, and at one stage harm others x 3. Meanwhile we found an abandoned 8 week old kitten trapped under the bonnet of one of our cars and rescued her, did the right thing and took her to an animal home only for them to ask if we could foster her for 3 weeks over the xmas/new year period. The answer was "yes" and now we've formally adopted her. My son absolutely adored her, named her "Mitsu" after the Mistubishi she was found in, and spent 48 solid hours fussing over her .... and that was about it. I was hoping that she would give him a purpose and that he could be responsible for her but unfortunately, despite loving her, he is unable to meet all her needs and so I had to take that on board as well.
By the time Christmas arrived I was done. I was so exhausted I just could not get into the festive spirit and forced myself to just do what I had to do. When Christmas finally arrived my son refused to participate in our gift giving traditions and refused to join us at the table for lunch. That was it! The straw that broke the camel's back.
From that day forward until now I can sense that my mood has dropped and I have lost my motivation. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with the futility of it all and cancelled all future psychotherapy appointments for myself and my son. I feel a desperate need for isolation and peace (or some respite) but can't seem to find it. I'm technically on holiday from work and yet there are things I need to do that I just can't motivate myself to do. Even thinking about what meal I'm going to prepare for my family tonight is feeling too hard. Normally I get great comfort out of being creative (painting), but not even that is flowing in a satisfactory way.
I guess this happens to the best of us. It's cumulative. I can only liken it to existing on some form of adrenalised energy and when the adrenaline drops you lose your mojo. A bit like studying for an exam and crashing afterwards. Somehow the end of the year has translated into "you're at the finish line" and I've collapsed. I'm finding this period very difficult, even though it should be a down time I can't get any "me time". How do I kick start that engine to get me going again in 2018? I've never felt so depleted and hopeless. Nothing is igniting my fire and I shiver with trepidation as to what this new year will bring. I guess this is what burnout feels like? Despite self-caring and doing all the right things, caring for someone with a MI is seriously taxing. My philosophical approach has failed me and I feel like swimming in my miseries. Hoping this is self-limiting, but it seems to be lingering.
Feeling better now that I've offloaded to others in a caring role.
Janna ❤️
