(Possible trigger warning) I feel as bad as I did this day last year, maybe even worse. What if nothing changes?

Hello again everyone,

A few weeks ago I made a post here regarding OCD, and I got a lot of helpful advice from people that I am grateful for. I've yet to see my Headspace pyschologist about it yet, but I will do my best to hand her a piece of paper that has written on it what I want to talk about, just in case I get intimidated to say it myself.

Anyways, another problem brings me here today, something I've struggled with for the past year and a half. According to my psychologist, I may suffer from a mild - moderate depression. To this day I am prone to loneliness, sleeping problems, feelings of worhlessness, laziness and of course, my intrusive thoughts that would never shut up. Earlier this year it was worse, with thoughts of suicide constantly plaguing my mind (probably due to my obsessive thoughts).

This time last year (New Years Eve) I promised myself that I would seek help for what it was that was bothering me. This time last year, I felt hope that I would overcome this. Today though, I don't feel that way. Today, I feel like I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life, that I am not going to amount to anything, that I will not connect with other human beings as intimiately and deeply as I want to. And that is when I am seeking help.

The most prominent feeling I have felt throughout this year and a half old depression (it's possibly older than that) is loneliness. Sometimes it feels like an invisible brick wall cuts me off from everyone else, preventing me from forming true bonds with anyone. I feel like my family and friends do not care about my mental health; my family is aware of it but barely checks up on me. My brother (who is overseas) told me that he would check up on me and asked my sister to do so regularly as well. That was five months ago, and my brother has only checked on me a couple of times and my sister has not asked me how I am doing once. Also, my mum had to get a referall to continue my sessions with the psychologist. We got the referral about a month ago and she has yet to give it to the psychologist because she says 'she keeps forgetting' and that I should be the one to remind her. That hit me hard, because it made me feel like my mental health was not her top priority. My parents also say that I can come to them with any issue, but I know that isn't true, because when I do my dad always puts on a judgemental tone which makes me feel like dirt. Also, when my brother came to my parents for help, he ended up getting kicked out of the house.

As for my 'friends', I question the validity of our friendships. Just today I tried to talk to one friend about how I felt today, and it flew right over his head, and he talked about what he was doing instead. That especially hurt me, because it made me feel that maybe no one in this world wants to hear my problems. With my other friends, I want to tell them so badly about what has happened to me (not one of them knows I have depression and OCD) but I find it so hard to bring up in casual conversation, and I think some of them might be to immature to take it seriosly. I also constantly think about what the basis of my friendships consist of, whether they are deep or superficial. I feel most of them are the latter, which makes me question if I truly even have any friends.

I guess what brings me here are these questions: how do I cope with all this loneliness and anguish when I feel so alienated and estranged from everyone around me? How do I connect with anyone who I feel isn't willing to truly get to know me? Am I doomed to this depression and loneliness for the rest of my life? Will I never connect with anyone in an intimate way where I can express my inner emotions without fear of judgement, because I feel I cannot even do that with my family.