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Not sure I want to get better.

LemonjuiceSenior Contributor30 Dec 2017, 4:06 pm AEDT

Not sure I want to get better.

Sometimes I am ok and I don't like it, mmm...maybe more like I don't trust it. I keep waiting to get depressed or suicidal again cause it's what I know best. Sometimes I get anxious waiting to fall apart that I speed it up by thinking about suicide and all the bad things in my life. Sometimes I hate myself so much that feeling good or ok really sucks cause I can't hurt myself or suicide cause I am feeling better. Sometimes I hate my therapist for making me feel better cause it's taking me further from being dead. Sometimes I think if I get better, that's when a comet of bad luck will hit me. Sometimes I am scared to be well cause knowing me, everyone will have major expectations of me and I will destroy myself trying to everything to everyone. Yep, seems logical to me to prefer to stay sick and suicidal than risk all that.

3 replies

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In response to: Not sure I want to get better.

Bubbles3Senior Contributor30 Dec 2017, 4:36 pm AEDT

Re: Not sure I want to get better.

Makes sence to me @Lemonjuice

In response to: Re: Not sure I want to get better.

ChrisSenior Contributor30 Dec 2017, 8:44 pm AEDT

Re: Not sure I want to get better.

I dont trust feeling good. Its very unnerving. What do people expect of me. What do i expect of myself. Will my supports (therapist) disert me. I know depression . I know anxiety. I know suicidal idiadation. Its harder to live than die. Even when i know i am mooving forward. Its scarry hellishy scarry. I feel like a toddler learning to walk. I keep falling over. Sometimes i take a few steps forward. Then im aware of what im doing and panic. What if these people leave me. Am i too dependant on them. I feel like i need constant reasurance.

What you say makes alot of sence to me

In response to: Re: Not sure I want to get better.

AppleblossomSenior Contributor01 Jan 2018, 1:53 pm AEDT

Re: Not sure I want to get better.

Ditto

Makes sense to me too.

I am grateful to a therapist in my 20s telling me that some people are afraid to feel good. I think she had an inkling that would be the way with me eventually. I was in tsunamis at the time.

Feeling alright has been a lot of my "therpauetic work in the last 10 years. Allowing the good things to be and not self sabotaging. Getting a bit better at it.

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