The Self-Blame of It All!

As part of my son’s intake assessment for residential care/school I have been asked to provide an extensive history going right back to infancy. I have decided to present all the info in a chronological way. In doing this I’ve had to go back and find that it is triggering to say the least.

My son’s issues commenced in primary school, however, I was too engulfed in the FOG of living in an abusive marriage to be able to see it. Every school report from Kindergarten onwards has a common theme - a child who was easily distracted, who found difficulty focusing and who’s behaviour was unacceptable to the point where he was suspended from school in Year 4 at age 8 for several breaches of the school’s code of conduct. At that time the school recommended that he be psychometrically tested and that report found that his behaviour was inappropriate, immature and that he displayed great difficulty focusing. Many recommendations were made, including taking him to a Paediatrician for further assessment, however, my husband somehow managed to convince me that his behaviour was normal and nothing to worry about 🙂 What an idiot I was to go against my instinct and believe someone who is mentally unstable himself.

Things then changed from an outward type of defiance to withdrawing inward as he entered high school and these reports are almost at the other end of the spectrum. They all state that he is quiet, does not participate in discussion, needs to build confidence, etc. Now I have a child who does not attend school, let alone leave his room/bed and has 0% self-confidence along with everything else.

From that time until now our domestic situation has been nothing short of a nightmare, psychological thriller. I am not in the least bit surprised that my son is depressed beyond belief and surprised that we all aren’t suffering from debilitating mental health issues. What we have all been through over the past 3-4 years has been traumatic and incredulous to the point that I couldn't even describe it if I tried.

Anyhow to cut a long story short this process is making me feel horrible. I feel like I have been neglectful, and that I have contributed towards his mental health demise by being a facilitator of abuse and simply not being there as rock steady parent. Completing this form is forcing me to be objective and give a history that I would actually like to forget.

Just wondering how many other carers out there wear the self-blame, I could of done or should have known better badge? How many of us are carrying this responsibility? I do. I should have known better and I should never have allowed my children to be subjected to the abuse that they did. I only wish I would have had that insight 10 years ago.

Janna ❤️