MoonGalSenior Contributor
Travellin' ruff
I am travellin' ruff today. A week or so ago I wrote about what it is like living with Bipolar Affective Disorder in a poem here.
My diagnoses was not a suprise when it finally came 25 years after onset, it was a neat label given on a particular day by a diagnostic Psychiatrist. The diagnoses included - Bi Polar II (BP2), with the added features of OCD, Anxiety, PTSD and oh-something else I forget now as I am in a fog.
My variant of BP2 has me in a washing machine on rapid cycle. I go hours and days and weeks in various states, sometimes experiencing a hypo and a depression at the same time, it is truly awful.
I have spent the past week in a whirl of deep insight (which is a melancholic/difficult but sacred space... ummm, maybe real insight in fact) and learned alot about the nature of Love and how to live that out in the world, but more importanly how to live it IN side myself. I gained this insight from a non-duality practitioner named Jeff Foster - bottom line, in the deep search for healing I have tried everything, mindfullness, meditation, etc - and his simple message of Just... "Hold, not heal"saw me realise that I was always on the treadmill, always trying to find the perfect solution to my MI and GET WELL. I really needed to accept, just accept and hold that this is my lot in life and to stop running 'Towards the Holy Grail' and 'Away from mySelf'. That is a good insight for me.
Then I was all happy at the realisations and wanted to share them with others with enthusiam (I am very enthusiastic when I am cycling up). Yesterday and the day before I was dancing inside, happy to have come through a time of introspection and having learned something important about mySelf and life. (oh dear cycling up, and up!) I often forget to turn myself DOWN when I am feeling so good.
Then last night I couldn't get to sleep (depsite the load of MI meds I take which usually knock me on the head into sleep). I was tossing and turning, my brain on fire, scattered thoughts, lots of neural firing (I see stars and whirls and flashes behind my eyes when I close them when in that state). And I had a glimpse for a moment that I was in a 'state' caused by my MI, but trying to hold onto that insight is hard when I am in amixed-state, and I just got ratty in my own head - again.
Now today I am sliding towards the abyss, I have turned UP the Silver Dial (a trick I use which I described in my post The Toolkit ) but if I turn it up too far I will flip again into nervous energy.
This rapid cycling is exhausting. I just want to sleep today, but know I shouldn't because otherwise I will not sleep again tonight. <sigh>
So, today, i just need to be very gentle with myself, eat properly, maybe go for a gentle walk with the greyhounds and pop on a movie or something. Yes, that is what i need to do, unplug.
Thanks for listening.
