Sister loving violent men and generally not coping with stress

Hello,

This sounds like a really hard thing for you to be going through as well- im so sorry that you have to see your sister go through all of this again. You sound like a really good supportive sister, and have done really well with what you have offered her already with support- even if she hasnt taken it.

Do you have any one else in your family that may be able to offer the same support to your sister? some times hearing these facts from a different person may be about to help her see a different point of view on the whole matter. I do hope that one day soon she does have a turn around.

Have you spoken to any services your self? Quantum or Life Line?

Baboo

@pluto I can hear your love for your sister in your post. Witnessing abusive relationships is not easy. It sounds as if she is under a lot of stress.

Protect yourself (from her vulnerability and lashing out) so you can be there for her when she does turn to you.

Welcome to the forums ...

I was in an abusive relationship and can perhaps give you an idea of what it's like from a victim's perspective. Firstly, my relationship did not involve physical violence (actually there was a bit but it was minimal in the scheme of things) but had every other form - verbal, psychological, financial, sexual, etc. I am sure that your sister's experience was all of the above plus physical abuse. Being continually abused by an intimate partner reaches into the very core of a person - the heart/soul. It destroys all your beliefs and trust at a level that is incomprehensible. It erodes your sense of self to the point where you begin to believe that you are a bad person who cant do anything right and deserve what is being dished out. There are so many mixed emotions happening internally that are often overwhemling.

Abusive partners aren't abusive to start with, and neither are they abusive all the time. They usually deliver their abusive in tiny, tiny increments over a long period of time so that it is imperceptable to the victim. A dummy spit here, a tantrum there, a verbal diatribe, the cold shoulder, silent treatment, etc. All of this is because you did something wrong, or didn't do something right. It's always because you did something. You believe it and accept blame, so you try harder. If you become upset the abuser often apologizes. Promises that he'll never do that again. You believe it and give them another chance. And so the cycle continues until things are very bad.

Leaving is never easy. Sometimes threats from the abusive partner about what they would do is sufficient to paralyze you. Then there are many other factors that present as being fearful obstacles. Finances, support, housing, etc.

The fact that your sister has launched into another ? abusive relationship doesn't come as a suprise. Her boundaries are completely shattered and she is more than likely lapping up the love that he is providing her and filling her empty tank (if that makes sense).

I thought I could explain this in a succint way, but I'm wrong. It is so complex that there really is no end to it. There is plenty of reading material out there which explains the dynamics of abusive relationships. It's very complex and well worth reading if you want to gain greater insight in order to understand and be able to help her. One of the best reads is Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?" - you may gain some info from his website http://www.lundybancroft.com

One of the best support services that offer over the phone counselling is 1800Respect https://www.1800respect.org.au. They fully understand the impact of abuse and are able to give great advice. I can't speak highly enough of this service and give them 10/10 and credit them to helping me get out. It would be worth giving them a call and having a chat. It would also be worthwile getting your sister to chat with these counsellors if she is willing to do this.

Apart from this forum there are also other forums which deal more specifically with DV. Again these forums are a peer to peer support network that contain members which have a lived experience, either directly or indirectly through family members. One such site which is very good is Our Place http://www.our-place-online.net and even though your not a victim they would welcome the opportunity to share their wisdom and insight.

Your sister needs support and if possible try to encourage her to get it. Leaving is not the end of it. There is a whole heap of mopping up to do afterwards.

I hope I've been able to help somewhat.

Janna ❤️

Also this article is brilliant for understanding why revictimisation occurs http://www.psychotherapy.com.au/fileadmin/site_files/pdfs/SharkCage.pdf