Need more support for spouses who live with bipolar partner but who are not in crisis

Hi Sukha14, welcome to the Forums!

It sounds like you’ve been on quite a journey over the years and have been an incredibly caring and supportive wife. Well done! I’m so glad to hear that things are better with the medication, although it must be confusing trying to get a handle on what is cause for concern and what’s normal for your husband.

I think you’ve come to the right place for talking to other people who live with partners with bipolar disorder. I know @workthisout, @disquiet, @Lucky2015, @Joyjoy68, @Smokey have all gone through difficult time with partners living with bipolar. I’m sure they can relate to your story and might have some insights to share. You might also like to checkout this thread.

Have you spoken to your husband’s psychiatrist or GP about the meds and what to expect? I’m also wondering, have you been in touch with any organisations that provide family/carer support? Depending which state you’re in, there are some great organisations that organise support groups, counselling, workshops for family members, etc. As you suggest, it can be hugely beneficial to connect with other husbands/wives/partners in similar situations.

I loved watching Changing Minds during ABC’s Mental As and found it really informative. I agree, it would be great to see similar coverage of people at different stages in the journey of managing their illness. There are a few conversations about Changing Minds happening on the Forums. You might like to add to one of these discussions:

http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Changing-Minds/m-p/36625#M2172

http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Just-watched-Changing-Minds-and-could-relate-so-much/m-p/36219/highlight/true#M5867

http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Concerned-about-last-nights-ABC-programme-quot-Changing-Minds/m-p/36350/highlight/true#M5918

We are also having a Topic Tuesday from 7-9pm tonight about mental health in the media. @Jenni_H, ex-ABC journalist, and the current coordinator of SANE’s Stigma Watch program will be joining us to talk about the role of journalists in mental illness and hear Forum members’ views. It would be great to have your input! You can join the conversation here.

Welcome once again @Sukha14. I look forward to hearing more of your story.

Hi @Sukha14,

Nice to 'meet' you. I think you're on to something when you say that it seems like there's a need for support for people who unwell but not in crisis. Not just for carers but also people living with MI. It seems like there's services out there to get people well, after they become ill, but we could certainly do with supports that look at maintenance too!

Anyhoo, I think this is great start to bounce thoughts around. I think most can relate to the experience of asking the question - is that their illness talking, or is it them? It's so hard to know where the illness starts and stops. @Lucky2015 wrote about this here. I'm not sure there are always clear boundaries between symptoms and person's behaviour. Either way, I wonder if it might be helpful to look at ways you can minimise the impact of certain behaviors.

Can you give me an example of some your hubby's behaviour that you are concerned about? Perhaps we can think of ways you might be able to limit it's impact.

We got an online event tomorrwing that you might be interested attending. It's about carers sharing knowledge and info based on their own experiences - things you wish you knew when you started caring. It'll also feature a peer support working from Helping Minds - an organisation that provides support to carers. I hope you can make it!

CherryBomb

I'm certainly no expert with bipolar indivduals, however, I consider myself an expert at living with an undiagnosed man who suffered with a personality disorder. Although he was undiagnosed, and thereby unmedicated, my life with him was a roller coaster in which I got no support. It is beyond frustrating to be living with someone who somehow manages to appear OK, but really isn't. It invalidates your experience and also prevents those that are nearest and dearest from seeing the severity of what you are going through and offering support. Regardless of whether an individual has bipolar, depression, schizophrenia or whatever, support and acknowledgement of what you are living with in your every day life is important and makes all the difference. Additonally, when you live with someone afflicted with a mental illness you become desensitized and lose your objectivity and ability to determine what is abnormal/slightly abnormal/very abnormal etc.

In situations like this it would be great to join a group of other carers who are going through the same thing. I'm not sure if such support groups exist, but it would be well worth researching what is available within your area. Feeling supported by a group of individuals who completely understand what you are living with is essential. It helps to disperse the guilt, the confusion and craziness of it all. I wish I could provide a link to hook you up with such a service. Start researching and see what you can find.

Joining this forum is a great step in the right direction, but if face-to-face contact with others may be of greater benefit. You also need to consider getting some counselling/therapy for yourself. Carers have needs and complex life situations that need extra support. Being able to discuss your issues with a professional may also be very beneficial.

In the meantime make sure that you look after yourself and allow for time-out and self-care.

All the best

Janna ❤️

Thanks for sharing,your reply Kawasaki I really appreciate hearing your story. I totally agree, there needs to be support for careers, lots of support for careers. As often, those with bi-polar think that they are fine, and it is the carriers that think that there is something wrong with them. I am not sure about the medication side of things, as my partner/ friend think medication is his enemy, and after 15 years has just decided to take it.

i can understand how scary it is when they have a psychosis. My step son moved in with me and had one. Whilst at first you think you may have misinterpreted what they said, but then it is scary. And as he want my son, and I had left work to look after him, I didn't know what to do. I just made sure he was safe, then called the ambulance. It is very, very frightening when you experience someone with psychosis.

Know that you are on the right track, and have faith in yourself. Trust yourself, that when you feel things are not right, they are not right. It is difficult with friends, and I found myself isolating myself from friends, as I don't know what mood my partner would be in after we came home from socialising.

Take care, thanks so much for sharing your story, and have faith in your judgement. You have done a great job for 20 years. Remember to look after yourself as well.

Thanks for sharing your story. You are doing a great job caring and supporting your husband. Remember to take time for yourself. My partner chose me beacuase I am strong too, but I find myself wavering at times. I need to think of me as well. Remember you are important too, and deserve to smile.

Thanks people for the replies. I have been mentioning the need for a support group for carers in my situation for a while now whenever I am in contact with a professional organisation. Maybe somehow over time this idea will catch on if I keep talking about it. The sort of group I imagine is a group with people who are doing ok usually andjust a need a check in and to know that there are others out there like all of us.

I have thought of starting one in my city but I don't have the confidence to break my own anonymity and I feel I need to protect my professinal life. So there it is again, the stigma. We are not out of the waters yet with this one.

In time, I hope.

Hi,

I tried an ARAFMI facilitated group. I sat there with mothers of teenage sons with schizophrenia who were coping with them not getting out of bed in the mornings and not working. All their stories were foreign to me. I realised that some organisations put all mental health issues together in one lump. They are NOT all the same. I need to relate to people who are living with bipolar spouses/partners. I cannot relate to this issue in children or even teenagers. It is my spouse I live with and it is with him I need to relate and get identification from other people married or partnered. This is what I am seeking. I cannot really identify with others in crisis either as this is not us at the moment. I am seeking an ongoing support gruop for people who live with high-functioning people who are living most of the time WELL with the illness. This is because I sometimes need to get a reality check on what is the illness talking and what isn't. Of course I realise there is no cut and dry lines to this. Some behaviour is typical behaviour of everyday couples. I have my own weaknesses and imperfections too. I just want to know from others if some of the things I experience with my husband is experienced by others and with some confusion at times.

For example, he seems to need for me to explain things differently than I do with other people. I have to repeat a lot, I have to catch his attention. These things are mentioned by many couples I know this. But he can get really upset if he feels misunderstood. He used to go balistic before he was on meds. Now he is much calmer. Sometimes we have conversations that just end up feeling irrational. He gets very into his head a lot. He can spend days enclosed in a room just 'studying' scientific things and reading and getting very much nto his head. But he knows now that he has to get out, exercise and do grounding things. He tends to take things in an 'all or nothng' way. Recently he did a charity walk. He was amazing. But he engaged in really obessive behaviour about it for weeks leading up to it. Some people would just think he is really committed (which he is and that is a good thing) but I see the behaviour as 150% rather than 100%. This part is really hard to describe. He trained and went on walks for this event. Now it is over he suddenly stopped the training and big walks. He tends to grab something and run with it 1000kmph. Then it will be dropped. The same with little habits. He gave up coffee for years. Then he became addicted to tea. Gave that up then went back on coffee. Suddenly went from no hot drinks to about between 4-10 a day (which again is 'normal' for a lot of people!) but I watch this up and down, on and off kind of behaviour all the time. I am lucky in that he has never done anything damaging to me or anyone else. But I do see compulsive behaviour. It stays managable. I just get a bit confused. I can't for a minute think that medication has cured him but it certainly has made our lifes managable and saved our relationship.

Sukha

its such a relief to hear that someone has asked the question that I have struggled with these past 10 years! I too have been living in hell alone with no where to turn just trying to survive life with my functioning (in others eyes) bipolar 2 husband. I got him to see a psychiatrist during an episode 10 years ago after the birth of our second child but the psychiatrist did not involve me in his care and won't talk to me to discuss any concerns either. My husband could be telling him any stories? I was even so desperate to have him helped a few years ago that I sent a letter to the psychiatrist who then discussed it with my spouse which made things much worse for me with his aggressive behaviour and I

have been too frightened to try any intervention since then. I do get the confidentiality issue because IM actually a health professional but I'm disgusted that there isn't a more wholistic approach to mental health care when clearly family support is beneficial to recovery. The private psychologist has failed my husband because he has managed to just give him medication without counselling or any family involvement and during that time he has become more aggressive, selfish, chaotic and hateful toward me using any opportunity to bully, put down, insult and his moods are rapidly cycling making life hell for me and the children. I'm a full time working mum and he does FIFO which is the only reason we have survived this long. I love the break every second week. The week he is away the house is calm and happy but as soon as he comes back, there is friction and chaos. He will purposely leave clothes on the floor, dishes everywhere and doesnt help with an domestic duties at all. And I come home from a long day to mess and no dinner started so I cook the dinner and even clear up afterward because I don't want to live in a pig stye. Nor does he do any business dealings, bills etc. He is only interested in his own entertainment and the children have to fend for themselves. I'm now at the end of my patience and wanting to separate because I see no joy left in him at all It is impossible to sustain a relationship with someone like this who wants to punish the person who has only ever tried to help even though I have been shut out emotionally and intimately because he is not capable of this type of relationship and I feel he is just another child in the family who is very badly behaved. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that he also drinks quite a lot of late, it just keeps getting better doesn't it? He is typical bipolar with his flashy cars and dress style (too young for his age) And hangs out with young guys from his work Listens to cool music etc etc no time for me or the 2 beautiful children at all

Sorry to waffle but it's been bottled up for soooo long but in summing up, there is a need for family/career support its all about the patient but you know what? There are many more families and careers affected than the actual person who is unwell

I would love to have a support group I live in the Western suburbs but don't mind travelling