Forced socialisation is destroying my self worth

Hello everyone,

this is my first post here; I've turned to the internet because I don't have any friends. Part of the reason I don't have any friends is because I'm highly introverted, and I find socialising exhausting most of the time, even with people I really like. I'm also highly prone to depression and anxiety, which certainly doesn't help.

I've lost many friendships over the years because people just gave up on me - they couldn't understand why I wouldn't come out every time I was invited, so they just stopped inviting me. And I get that, they probably took my behaviour as rejection. There were times when it upset me, but as I've grown older, I've just accepted that I am like this and will always struggle to maintain meaningful friendships. I can go for long periods without socialising without feeling lonely, and even when I do feel lonely, it doesn't usually last that long.

But recently I've come up against a new problem. I have a two-year-old son and I try to take him out to activities with other kids a couple of times a week. I force myself to go because I know he needs it for healthy development, but it's hell for me because I have to try to socialise too.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally incompetent when it comes to interacting with other adults, I have to fairly regularly for work, and on a professional level I'm absolutely fine most of the time. But trying to socialise with other mums in these groups is horrible. I try to be friendly, I smile a lot, I say hello to people etc., but it's like they can sense that I'm not like them and I know many of them actively avoid me. Some of them just flat out ignore me. It makes me feel awful about myself, totally inadequate. And to make matters worse, I live in a small town, so I feel like I'm doomed to be a social outcast throughout my child's entire schooling.

I'm not expecting anyone to be my best friend, or even really care about me, but it would be nice to not be ostracised. This has been a pattern in my life, kids did it to me through most of primary school and high school. Uni was the only place where I felt some sense of belonging at times.

So here I am, in my mid-thirties, feeling like that little kid in primary school who would be left out of games at playtime or not invited to parties. I hate it and feel utterly pathetic, but have to figure out a way to survive it because I have to keep going to these dreaded things for my son's sake - I don't want him to suffer because of my social hangups.

Thank you so much if you've made it this far. If there's anyone else who has experienced something similar as a parent I would love to hear your stories.