No method to my madness

I have been suffering with Depression and Anxiety since I was roughly 11 years old, I am now 24.

Last year in Nov 2014 I attempted suicide and somehow a miracle happened and I managed to survive.

There was something or someone that needed me here because I shouldn't have survived.

Before hand I had been on medication since I was 16, but I NEVER recieved the help I needed.

Numerous Psychologists and Psychiatrists I saw and not one could help me in the way I needed.

I had self harmed since the age of 12 as it was the only way I felt alive or helped with the emotional pain.

Anxiety crippled me and school years for me were torture, I was made to feel stupid and irrelevant by teachers and even the school nurse.

Life was never a walk in the park for me and I was constantly exhausted, so people always called me lazy.

I put all my effort into just merely surviving and some days I would try not to survive.

I was so afraid of what was ahead of me and I felt so alone all the time. I just wanted to die.

Don't get me wrong, there were some good days but the darkness is always heavier then the light.

Since my last suicide attempt when I really shouldn't have made it out alive, life has changed.

When I ended up in hospital for the first time I had a Psychiatrists who took me seriously and could see the pain I was carrying around with me, she would comment on the sadness she saw in my eyes. She promised me she would find the help I needed and got the ball rolling for me.

I ended up linked in with Headspace and I found the most amazing Psychologist who has done wonders for me. In saying that though, it is me who has done the hard work but it was her who gave me the support and advice I needed. I needed my feelings to be validated and I needed to know that I wasn't alone.

After months of intense therapy and help from those around me I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere.

I came out to everyone and spoke of my ordeals. I was honest about my illness and I didn't let it shame me.

It has been one of the toughest years but I have come such a long way. I have written my own book about my life with Depression and Anxiety, its called 'Caterpillar's Wish - Just when she thought her world was over, she became a butterfly'. It is very real and I don't hide the pain and suffering that Depression can have on someone. I also have my own YouTube channel and I make Videos/VLOGS about Mental Illness.

I am amazed at the feedback I receive and what others tell me about their own stories. By me being open about Mental Illness, others then come to me and open up. I want people to know they are not alone and I want to be the person I once needed for myself in those horrible dark years.

Being such a creative person I have lots of projects I am also working on to bring more help to others and I am trying to work my way into helping the youth and educating others about Mental Health through Headspace.

Depression isn't a mood, it is an illness. I can't repeat that enough. I accept the fact that I will have to fight against depression for the rest of my life, but with the knowledge I know now and with the support I have, I CAN do it. I may have Depression, but Depression doesn't have me.

If you are interested in watching my videos or about my book please let me know! I am always here for ANYONE if they need someone to talk to or just to have a chat. Never be afraid to speak up.

Together we can all make a difference, speak up, speak out. You got this!

The bravest thing I have ever done is continuing to live my life when I wanted to die.