About 5 years ago I suffered a really bad back injury that resulted in surgery. I had a terribly adverse reaction to the drug they administered during the op. and had a psychotic break. Same again when I had the hysterectomy. After those incidents, I was encouraged by a friend to read Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat Zin, it is a very wordy book taking many chapters to say two words - "try mindfulness". I misunderstood what it meant, but more - I think my mental illnesses create a perfect storm for instantaneous self-combustion on the mental front when I tried what I THOUGHT was mindfulness. My brain would fry every time I tried to 'still" it and I would end up in a right pickle and have difficulty coming to.
I argued with my friend saying it was not right for me. I regret that, but of course, at the time I was sincere about it and really thought it was not for me.
I was wrong. I was wrong about what mindfulness was and I was wrong that it was not right for me. After a couple of difficult years in 2016 and '17 (as my sistas here know) I have come to a good place, I have good medication regimen now and PART of that arrival is because I have managed to catch my own thinking.
Who is doing the thinking? The western concepts of mindfulness were not helpful to me, they were describing something 'foreign' trying to claim something as their own - when the masters of it are Eastern. I had read several books by Pema Chodron and Slyvia Bernstein - both Western Buddhists and just thought their never-ending repeating the same things over - although Sylvia has an excellent sense of humour. But I found their style and natter excruciating. I kept trying to 'get it" though, but it would fall away like water through my fingers. In the end, I stopped trying to understand it. I kept my "practice" really simple, just coming into the present and naming the things in front of me, but with attention. I didn't know at the time this is called 'Concentrating Meditation" in fact didn't know that until this morning. To me, it was just a tool in the toolkit a way of shutting up the torrent of terrible-thoughts and words in my mind.
I cannot, still even now, do a sitting meditation" without disassociating, I can manage a 20 step or so walking meditation, but the reality is I am not all able to do mainstream 'mindfulness" things (yet?). Every one of us is so different we might be labelled with the same things, but we are uniquely us. I asked my Psychologist when she mentioned mindfulness to me -I asked "Do you do it?" and she was honest enough to say "I don't know how, I have tried but can't manage to not think" Which showed me she doesn't know what it is either.
Recently, I came across the books and talks of a Vietnamese Buddhist, Tich Nhat Hahn and something in the way he speaks and illustrates his talks (on youtube) spoke to me, not religion, but an eastern psychology.
Over here. I shared a bit about how I am running at the moment, earlier today and feeling good because I have found a way to stay in the present, or at least to get back here relatively quickly. I shared a bit and the mantra I find useful to start my day over on another page and was directed to a number of the talks here by @Phoenix_Rising (thank you!) about mindfulness taking place - and I can see some of us are struggling with it.
It made sense to me and became something I could DO - when I got that there is "someone" doing the thinking that is a part of me but separate from me - it is not "I" that does the thinking. It is 'I" that witnesses myself thinking. The rest of the thinking, that is harmful and hurtful and part of my extreme mood disorder and anxiety, the undirected thinking needed to be 'seen' and the flow redirected into a purposeful present.
Once I got a handle on my split mind, I practiced "catching" myself thinking - and that is hard, becoming aware that we are thinking is the crux of mindfulness. Spotting the rumination becomes easier with practice. I also snap-on an inspection (pay attention) to my posture and what my eyes are doing. When I am ruminating, or flashing back or obsessing - my eyes become fixed focussed to the long distance (not there) and my shoulders and mouth droop. So, I can somethimes catch myself by suddenly paying attention to my posture and facial expression. Swiftly followed by coming into the present and staying there for a few breaths. Incrementally, all these little practices, randomly assigned have added up to a solid gain, I catch myself ruminating more often than not now and shift my focus into the now.
AND... I fear I have just successfully excruciatingly "nattered" myself. 🙂
@Former-Member - I have found the calmer I am the better, I can look at my emotions and sort through them and figure out what to do. It is not an abandonment of the underlying problem, but it is creating the conditions in which it is safer to address the problems without getting so chucked around by them. My understanding is that basically, emotions are the bio-chemical extension of thoughts. Emotions are not put on hold so much as thought through and processed differently. The problem becomes easier to address.
Ochre
