When the anxiety kicks in :(

My depression comes in waves (seasonal). I've identified that I start feeling down late September to Early November, so I'm just starting to feel a little better. It weird because my birthday is late October, and most people would be happy leading up to it, but I just don't care.

Anyway, so I had a little party for my brithday, my boyfriend organised it all. Usually when I have a few drinks, I can tell when Im tipsy, so I start on my waters. I think that's coming with age haha. Mid 20s and already making sure I don't go overboard. I guess I was having too much fun and wasn't aware. Skip to the next day, I couldn't remember much. I could remember bits of the night and there was one thing that bothered me a lot. I remembered getting upset with one of my friends. I don't know what about or if it actually happened or not. I sent the friend a message and apologised for whatever I said. I kind of hoped that they would say what happened, but he didn't. He just said, if you don't remember then it's fine. We're all good. But its not all good, because now I can't stop obsessing over what I could've said. It can't be too bad, if he says it's ok, but what could I possibly be upset about with him.

It has been a week and that's all I can think about. I started a new job and althroughout I kept trying to figure out what I was upset about. I'm afraid that if I ask my friend, he'll get upset again. I'm so embarassed. I just wish I didn't remember that bit. I've tried focussing on other stuff, but my mind just keeps coming back to it. I even started trying mindfulness and being focussed on the present. It works for a bit and then I right back there obsessing over what happened.

I'm definetly not drinking that much ever again. Not being able to remember means not being in control. I can't stand when I'm not in control of myself. Anyway, I just wanted to vent. Hoping it helps me get it off my chest. If it keeps going, I might just ahve to ask my friend what happened. Yikes!