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Feeling down

ChrisSenior Contributor31 Oct 2017, 6:29 pm AEDT

Feeling down

Well my husband said he wanted to talk to me this morning, which usually means something big.

He feels we are not a married couple. He sleeps in a bedroom the other end of the house. Mainly because i have sleep apnea.

He said he knows i went through alot in childhood,but doesnt understand why it should it should affect me now.

He wants closeness. So do I , He feels lonely ,so do I

Its hard to get close when there never there. Always tied up with something. Between working, and getting his late fathers estate ready for sale. I am very well aware of how much stress he is under. But all this is nothing new. Its been like this for over forty years. Hes a work aholic. Always has been.

Me, well i cared for four children and a mentally ill mother as well as trying to cope with my own demons.

Ive spent years in therapy. I've done various courses. Ive tried so hard to change.

On two accasions he has contacted my psychiatrist in an effort to do im not sure what.

Both times it has been about him about how bad it is for him. It was not really concern for me, but getting his needs met (in more ways than one) He failed to tell me about it keeping he thought between the psychiatrist and himself. I dont know what he expects from me. My psychiatrist said he just doesnt get it.

The worst part is in the last couple of years i have worked so hard in group to try and impliment change between us. I have tried to be more open with him, and communication how i feel. I really thought things were changing. We seemed to have been communicating better. Were planning two holidays for next year. He should be retiring in December this year.

Then he came up with all this this morning. I feel devestated. I was angry with him. It got to the point where i just stopped talking, as i thought i might just start blaming him for everything.

I feel like i am always there for him. I know i lock him out when i go down hill. I lock everyone out when i need them most. Out of fear of rejection, being a burden on everyone.

I now feel like every thing is lost. Both my psychiatrist and psychologist are away. I will see my psychiatrist next Friday.

Its just left me feeling like total sh.... and i want to lock myself away from everyone.

I just dont know anymore. It all seems so pointless.

2 replies

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In response to: Feeling down

Unknown userMember31 Oct 2017, 8:07 pm AEDT

Re: Feeling down

Hi @Chris - Sounds like an incredibly difficult conversation this morning to have had. I am not one who gets relationships and have not much to offer but wanted you to know i am here reading and feeling for you. I wonder if @Faith-and-Hope might be able to relate to aspects of the difficulties. She's also written a little about attending couples counselling as well.
I wish your professional supports weren't both away! What terrible timing! Do you have a gp that you feel like you could talk to? or there's also lifeline if you just feel like you need to get stuff off of your chest too... but mostly i'm glad you were able to share here!

In response to: Re: Feeling down

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor31 Oct 2017, 9:59 pm AEDT

Re: Feeling down

Thanks for including me @Former-Member .... 💕 .... and hello and a hug to you .... 🤗

Hi @Chris

I originated on the Carer side of the forums, but I can really relate to what you are saying here ..... perhaps for a very different reason though.

There is a lot of parallel with my life here ..... my hubby spent a 25 year working life as a workaholic, telling me that that was what was required to keep our business afloat and make it as successful as it was ..... but workaholism is now listed as an OCD behaviour, and I think that is the truth of the matter .... our industry attracted and rewarded workaholics, and the workaholic nature both thrived on, and is necessary to the sort of industry we were in.

I think many of those workaholics were of a “work hard, play hard” mentality, whereas my hubby was all “work hard”, in semi-retirement he has become all “play hard” .... and therein lies our current problem. He went from BED (bi-nge eating disorder) to the the opposite extreme in the pursuit of good health, and is locked into an extreme routine of diet and exercise, along wit( other eating disordered behaviour.

I can’t find him. I am co-existing with him like a satellite .... but that is not a relationship. His personality has altered under this “new” behaviour (heading towards a decade now) and it has taken this long to be able to flag down help from therapists ..... but we are not out of the woods even yet. This is so hard to work out, and is still being mis-identified. I think the couples counsellor we are seeing is my last hope. Our kidults have been affected and our whole family will come under counselling yet, that much is clear.

Rather than being able to advise you in any way, I think it is more a matter of walking along with you ..... our mire is still so deep that I wouldn’t know how to advise you ..... just perhaps to share stories with you as we try to work our way forward, both of us.

I hear your anger, and your pain ... and I have both myself .... let’s walk this road together. If you haven’t tried couples counselling yet, maybe give that a shot. I find it hard to walk away from anything without feeling that I had tried everything I knew how to first.

💐🌿

F&H

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