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Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

girl99Senior Contributor21 Oct 2017, 9:58 pm AEDT

Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

Hi, I'm hoping someone can give me some advice please? I hope this doesn't sound too petty, but it's causing me worry and anxiety as I'm not sure what is the right thing to do.

I have (or had) a very good friend who I have been friends with for quite a while (over 10 years) but over the last few years or so I feel she hasn't been a very good friend to me. I am quite a sensitive person so this might totally be my problem as I have high standards of what I need in friends, but she gossips about me to others and 'gloats' a lot about herself to the point where I have often felt bad about myself after catching up or seeing her. She does things like makes unkind comments about my clothing or my hair and just general put downs (I suffer from depression and anxiety and her remarks stress me out as I ruminate on them afterwards).

I decided to pull back on the friendship and haven't talked to her in about 4 months. She sent me a few messages asking to catch up, but I said I wasn't feeling well and couldn't catch up for a while.

It's her birthday soon and I don't know if I should be decent and send her a message wishing her a Happy Birthday or if I should just let the friendship go? She can be a nice person but she did a few things that upset me (again, I'm pretty sensitive, so I don't know if it's me or her) and I asked her not to do them. I tried talking to her about it, but she just doesn't respect my boundaries (brings up topics I've asked her not to bring up, gossips when I've asked her to keep our conversations private). I know that I really don't want her as a very close friend anymore, but I am happy to be acquaintances (catch up occasionally, say hi etc.) as we have a lot of history, I've known her a long time and I don't want things to be uncomfortable. I'm worried if I see her out at the shops or somewhere it could be really awkward. I already have a lot of social anxiety and I just want to be occasional friends with her but not close. Is that possible after having a close friendship?

Should I send her a birthday message (as I would for any other casual friend) or just let the friendship go?

Anyone have experience with this or any ideas? Thanks for your help.

7 replies

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In response to: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

Unknown userMember21 Oct 2017, 10:10 pm AEDT

Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

Hi @girl99

That's a very personal decision I think only you can make. I think you already answered it yourself though saying you don't mind her as an acquaintance.

What I do know is that a true friend who cares for our welfare would not talk bad about us behind our backs or constantly put us down. I think you made the right decision backing off like you did.

I can only answer what I would do in your circumstance given the information you posted. If someone constantly disrespected me and crossed my boundaries after I talked to them about it saying how much it offended and hurt me - I would stay away from them as they proved they cannot be trusted. That would be it - no second chance to do me damage again. That's just me though.

Protecting your mental health and personal well being comes first here in my opinion. Hope everything goes well for you x

In response to: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

utopiaSenior Contributor22 Oct 2017, 12:35 am AEDT

Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

@girl99. You have already answered your iwn question. You only want her as an acquaintance nit a close friend. That's okay.
Friendships are there to serve a purpose. A close friend is one who supports you unconditionally.
So it sounds like this friendship has run its course. But now you will have room in your life for another close friendship in the future.

In response to: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

CheerBearSenior Contributor22 Oct 2017, 7:57 am AEDT

Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

Hi @girl99 🙂

What you're talking about doesn't sound petty at all. Having a friendship that has spanned as long as yours has, change in some way can be really tough.

Only last night I was watching a video on youtube that mentioned how destructive it can be to have trust broken in a relationship, and how trust can be broken through sharing stories about people that are not for another to share (which seems like gossiping to me). It also mentioned how relationships (and anything really) is not sustainable without boundaries. It makes a lot of sense that you'd be thinking about this and your relationship with your friend. I think it's really reasonable to be questioning how you'd like this relationship to look and whether letting it go completely would be right for you.

I also understand the worry about bumping in to someone who you used to be close with and how uncomfortable it can be. You mentioned that you're happy to be acquaintances but you don't want to be very close friends anymore, so maybe you could approach the birthday message as if you were setting the tone of the relationship you'd like to have with your friend from now (whether that be as acquaintances or having no relationship with her)?

Hope it goes ok for you.

In response to: Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

girl99Senior Contributor22 Oct 2017, 11:22 am AEDT

Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

Thank you for your replies.

Yes, it is really tough when long friendships end. I'm finding it very difficult. The main problem for me is as I am very isolated and lonely, I tend to hold onto friendships that are probably not good for me as otherwise I wouldn't ever have anyone to talk to.

I feel like I'm in a prison and talking to anyone (even if they are a bit mean) is honestly better than being alone and in solitary confinement. I'm not sure if I will send my friend a birthday message as it may just allow her to think I want to be good friends again - which I don't. I just don't want things to be uncomfortable or awkward if I see her again.

In response to: Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

SaharaSenior Contributor29 Oct 2017, 6:54 pm AEDT

Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

Hi @girl99,

I'm sorry to join the conversation so late. You remind me of myself and my on-going concerns I have with different friends. I think I have very high standards and expect a lot of my friends and I am also a very sensitive person, so I can relate.

Good on you for telling your friend how you really feel about her unwanted comments, etc. That is more than I am usually able to do! Well done.

If it were me, I would probably send a brief text message, just to say "Happy Birthday" or else pop a card in the mail for her. That way you get to feel like the more generous, forgiving person and you will like yourself.....

But it's totally up to you. Just because you do the right thing and send her a birthday message, it doesn't then follow that you actually have to see her next time she asks you. You can still be evasive.

It's weird that you have told her that you don't appreciate her behavior and yet she continues to do the exact things you dislike. It shows she is oblivious to other people's feelings... I guess she may not be malicious, just hopeless and insensitive. My guess is that she treats everyone the same disrespectful way and it's not personal.... so don't worry- it's not you who is at fault.

Try not to dwell on her behavior.... but protect yourself by not telling her anything too personal.

In response to: Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

girl99Senior Contributor29 Oct 2017, 9:43 pm AEDT

Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

@Sahara

Thank you for your reply and your understanding. I'm sorry you say you are a sensitive soul too; we can really struggle in this life. I find it really hard to have good friendships with people. I try so hard, but they don't seem to. I spend so much time by myself that I know it is good for me to go out and see 'friends', but I don't really like it when they cross my boundaries.

I've decided in this situation to just let the friendship go. I do wish my friend well but I'm too hurt at the moment and she needed to make much more of an effort with the friendship than she was. I feel I put in a lot of work with friends, but it is upsetting when is not reciprocated. I'll try to make an effort this week to leave the house and go for a walk or sit outside for a little bit. It's just difficult and hard to motivate myself.

😞

In response to: Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

SaharaSenior Contributor30 Oct 2017, 7:38 pm AEDT

Re: Advice on friendships - do I make contact or let it go?

@girl99,

I am the same as you, I put in a lot of thought and effort into friendships but I don't feel appreciated. I have a hunch that I am doing something wrong... like trying to buy my friends' approval by being way too nice and accommodating!

I have been writing about this on a discussion started by @Hope4me. (I think I have that right?) She might like to join in this conversation and share some experiences with you.

I do like people and I love my friends but I usually end up being the one who is the 'helper' or the 'listener' and I, myself, seem to get lost a bit.... like the friendship becomes all about them.

Obviously, this is the type of relationship that subconsciously attracts me.... it isn't just a co-incidence that these friendships keep happening to me.

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