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Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

miracle_mumCasual Contributor21 Oct 2017, 3:23 pm AEDT

Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

Hi, I'm reaching out because I can't find anything specific to this...

I'm 36 and expecting my first child (a son!) after years of being diagnosed as and confirmed as infertile. I was very excited at this "happy accident" (my partner was also classified as infertile and we had both come to terms with being childless after years of nothing happening), we had not sought intervention because 23+years for him and 19+ years for me had taught us that this miracle would never be ours.

Then our son happened. At time of writing I am 25+5 days pregnant with our unexpected miracle.

So I should be over the moon, right? And I was. Extremely over the moon and excited and planning for the future.

And then the old black dog started biting again and robbed me of that joy in a sea of self-doubt, irritability, and an inability to feel joy about anything.

At first my partner and I thought it was just hormones, "baby blues", but it's been getting worse for weeks to the point that I've begun having thoughts that our son would be better off without me, temptation to self-harm, thoughts of just "disappearing".

This comes after a series of blows; being diagnosed with gestational diabetes wasn't a big deal until I found out I probably had diabetes already, followed by a diagnosis of diabetic retinopathy and a prognosis of complete blindness by the time I'm 40 as a result. My dreams of labour were shattered when I was advised to go with a C-Section because they don't think my body will cope with labour and delivery. My partner has been getting moody and distant because he's worried about where we will live when we move in together after Bub is born. I'm terrified because last time I lived with a man I was in full-blown DV and even though I know my partner is different, the fear is there...

Add in the complications of having to travel four hours to appointments because I'm too "complex" to birth locally and pregnancy+age related complications like blood pressure issues, mobility issues, now the addition of insulin...

I'm overwhelmed and terrified.

And the final blow in my enjoyment of impending motherhood was a "friend" raising concerns that my partner might leave me and I won't be able to cope and welfare will take my child.

I just need to talk to others who have been through this and come out okay. I've dealt with depression my whole life, I know it CAN be managed and sometimes even beaten, but it's crushing me right now.

7 replies

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In response to: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

BunniekinsSenior Contributor21 Oct 2017, 4:21 pm AEDT

Re: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

@miracle_mum Hi firstly congratulations!! ... to be honest I ummmed and ahhhd as to whether my input would be relevant to you but as no one yest has written in I thought maybe my experience of when I was a young mum and very depressed both prenatal and post natal might be of help.

Our situations are very different BUT in saying that I was very depressed with both my pregnancies ... quite suicidal at times back then there was nothing and no where to go but now it is different. I didnt take medications for my depression but had ongoing councelling which really helped at the time.

I am sure people with more experience in this area will be on later to give you better advice but what helped me was to talk about my depression with a trusted professional.

Good luck in the future.

In response to: Re: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Oct 2017, 5:50 pm AEDT

Re: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

@PANDApeople might have some services available in your area.

The best I can do is to reassure you that it is very normal. Nothing impacts our lives more than giving birth and raising children so it is natural to be flooded with a range of competing emotions.

Its important we do take the situation seriously and not be over the moon Hollywood style.

Having children later in life is a different scenario and yes you do have extra health issues to manage, but ttere is also extra help these days.

We cannot tell the future.

Take each day at a time, with self care, and slowly plan what is needed.

In response to: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

utopiaSenior Contributor22 Oct 2017, 1:04 am AEDT

Re: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

@miracle_mum. Congratulations.
Pregnancy hormones can definitely affect our emotions and our risk of depression. It is relatively common.
You may like to get in contact with @PANDA who hekp support mums / future mums wuth their pregnancies and their Mental health.
Yes you have some worries and fears about being a mum. This is common fir most expectant mums. But I bet you have so much to offer this bub and that with some support with keeping your mental health strong - you will be a great mother.

In response to: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

Unknown userMember22 Oct 2017, 10:59 am AEDT

Re: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

Hi @miracle_mum

congratulations on your pregnancy 🙂 It is such an exciting time but you've had blow after blow lately (beyond what would be normally expected!) so i think its really very normal and natural to have fears and worries that are continuing. I sometimes think i get caught in this trap of kind of feeling as though i have to be 'one way or the other' when it comes to feelings but I think you can feel both 'over the moon' about something at the same time as being terrified of it, which is probably ok. annoyingly our brains seem predisposed to focussing better and more easily on the negative...

I like (i think it was utiopia) who suggested reaching out to PANDA? ( @PANDA) they have a great website and telephone service as well with lots of information about anxiety/depression in pregnancy. And i would suggest you keep talking to your GP/obstetrician and midwife(s) about how you're feeling.

Your fears about moving in with your partner are understandable (my ex was abusive too) and will take some time and support to work through. If it were me.. i probably wouldnt be rushing to move in together and thinking it could wait till after bubs is born and slowly move in together, though im guessing there are a lot of reasons pressuring this (finances, dad bonding time etc etc).

As for what your "friend" was saying... well... they can have their worries or fears but it doesnt need ot be yours too as you are working really hard to do all the right things for you and your baby and that is all you need to do. If you are reachign out for support and help and accepting the support and help you need to be well (physically and mentally) it shows that you are and want to be a great mum. Needing help and support is ok...

I'm a single mama to two kids (both in primary school) and have had a lot of mental health difficulties and other things to manage over the last few years (have always had dificulty with depression/anxiety) and its been really hard. But it is possible to get through...

take care

In response to: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

miracle_mumCasual Contributor22 Oct 2017, 7:42 pm AEDT

Re: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

I've read all the replies and there is some very helpful support expressed by everyone, which is definitely helping. I've fpund my mood lifting a little as each reply reminds me not to be so hard on myself. Timely replies are a bit difficult because my partner just got his learner license and we're working hard on getting his hours up before my eyesight is too bad for me to continue supervising.

Your reply probably reached me the most because it sounds like your situation has a lot of similarities and that does help. The fact that you've struggled and yet managed to be there to raise your kids is very comforting.

We need to look at moving in together as soon as possible after Bub is born for a variety of reasons, and financial is definitely a factor, but he's also my full time carer and at present I'm with him more often than not anyway, so straining our finances by maintaining two houses when we have a baby on the way makes no sense.

That said, I did talk to him about my fears and he started discussing ways to make me feel a bit safer in the move. He has agreed to stay local to my external supports for now so I don't end up feeling isolated and scared. That's huge and reassures me that he won't turn to the same isolating tactics my ex used. He's also acknowledged that my fears are not a reflection of him.

Opening up here gave me courage to talk a bit more openly with him and my local supports about my fears and worries and that led to us discussing options for coping with the declining vision as well as the current depressive slide.

That said, I'll follow up with panda. I spoke to my community worker on Friday and she strongly advised me to talk to the midwife and GP because what I'm experiencing does show signs of depresive traits outside of pregnancy blues.

I feel better knowing that I opened up and nobody spoke of my fitness as a mother, only what supports I might need. That eased some of the fears.

In response to: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

miracle_mumCasual Contributor22 Oct 2017, 7:44 pm AEDT

Re: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

Your reply is more helpful than you know. It's reassuring to know that others have had suicidal thoughts during pregnancy, it makes me feel less ashamed and makes it easier to talk about.

In response to: Re: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

PANDASenior Contributor23 Oct 2017, 1:32 pm AEDT

Re: Pregnant and excited but depressed and confused

Hi @miracle_mum,

It’s so great that you have reached out here, and shared some of what's happening for you. It sounds like you have gone through so much and it's understandable that you feel a range of complex emotions right now.

It must have taken courage to open up to your partner about the fears and concerns playing on your mind, and it seems like this has led to some helpful conversations about what will happen after your baby is born to make sure you feel safe and cared for. Like your community worker suggested, being open with your GP and midwife is important too, so they can help you explore other options for support.

We would love to talk with you about this more, to give you some referral ideas if needed, and to provide some counselling to you over the phone. You can call us 1300 726 306 from Monday to Friday (9am-7.30pm AEDT) or check out our website: http://www.panda.org.au/.

We talk with expecting mums every day who are experiencing similar thoughts and feelings, and we know that it can be tough to speak up when things don't feel right -- but it's also often the first step to feeling better, so you can focus on being the parent you want to be.

Wishing you all the best @miracle_mum, and hope to be able to talk with you soon.

The PANDA Team x

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