Frustration

Hi,

What you've described is a scenario I face frequently with my depressed son. I try to plan to do something that requires his involvement and then have to wait and wait and wait until HE is ready to rise and get going. It is frustrating and I can share that feeling with you. I'm not too sure about your daughter's age or circumstances, but if she is old enough and safe enough to be left alone I would do just that. I've had many a day ruined by my son and have decided that I can't allow my entire life to revolve around him. That may sound selfish but it's part of self-care. It's important to still have a life beyond the caring for another.

If you'd like to elaborate further on your daughter and what's going on I'm all ears.

Take care

Janna ❤️

Thanks Janna

I do my best to stay patient but some days it isn't easy. My daughter is 18 and by rights old enough to be left however, she talks constantly about the negative thoughs she has when alone and many a time I am summoned to come home - even when I am at work (which I dont do, but it does require a calming phone call).

It does seem my life is revolving around her and her needs but I am trying (as in thinking about lol) taking steps to change that, I am just so worried about her and I feel selfish thinking about my needs when I know if anything bad were to happen I would never forgive myself.

She is going back to hospital in about 10 days as her depression has been chronic but of course now the date is looming she tells me she is feeling better! Regardless she is going, I need the break as much as she needs the inensive therapy.

Thanks again 🙂

Just recently I've changed my approach towards my depressed son and have opted for the "less is more" approach. I find that by giving in too much to cater for him actually makes the situation worse - it's like feeding a dependancy syndrome. The more I do and the more I dance around his needs to ensure that he is safe and happy, the worse he becomes IMO and the more frazzled I become. Taking a step back and trying to get the "adult" part of them to function and strengthen is what we should be aiming for. So instead of positively reinforcing their fears and depression, focus on weakening them by getting them to gently face those fears and gain confidence in themselves. I know how hard it is to deal with a depressed teenager - it's almost as if you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. At the end of the day our children need to take responsibility for themselves and somehow learn to manage themselves (depression and all). The only way we can let that part grow is to loosen our innate protective and nurturing instincts which tend to go above and beyond normal because we are trying to ease their pain and suffering.

When you say "if anything bad were to happen to her", I'm assuming that your greatest concern for her is her safety from self-harm/suicide. Have you considered making a safety plan/contract with your daughter which would include her guaranteeing you that she remain safe until you return home and for her to contact you if she feels unsafe? Have you done a risk assessment on her in terms of suicidality?

You can find such risk assessments online via several websites.

Here's a few links you may find useful

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/concerned-about-someone/suicide-warning-signs

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/concerned-about-someone/helping-someone-to-create-a-safety-plan

At the end of the day your well-being is as important as hers and investing in some self-care and/or trying to live beyond the constraints of caring for her is NOT selfish.

I'm happy to hear that she is going back into hospital soon - not only for her, but for you as well.

Take care

Janna ❤️

Less is more ... can be very effective .. it takes love to figure out which things to scale up or down.

Thank you Janna I will definately check out those links, I think I need lot of reassurance right now and one way to get that is through information and the wise words of those who know, such as yourself 🙂