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Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

LamingtonCasual Contributor23 Sept 2015, 11:08 am AEST

Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Yep I'm new too.

It would seem that my husband and I have hit rock bottom in recent times. After 20 years of looking after and loving him, with DEPRESSION, I finally told him that we need to start thinking about living separately for a period of time. The long term future is unknown.

So, I 'm done! To put it bluntly! I need to look after myself!

I honestly never thought that I would have that conversion with him and it has taken 5 years to say those words. I feel immensely relieved and saddened that there is no turning back now.

And coincidently he was admitted to a Psychiatric clinic for a 2 week stay this week. His first visit . ( Which coincidentally was organised weeks ago.)

Things happen for a reason!

So it is on woods and up woods from here I hope.

11 replies

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In response to: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Unknown userMember23 Sept 2015, 12:47 pm AEST

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Hi @Lamington,

On behalf of the moderators here in the SANE Forums, I would like to welcome you.

The role of carers within our community is both vital, and unfortunately under appreciated and accknowledged. Please know that you are not alone on this journey, and that self care is paramount to being able to remain in the caring role- whatever the capcity may be.

I wish you well on your journey, and I hope that the peer support you encounter on the forums is of benefit.

Best of luck,

Jojo

In response to: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

BeHappySenior Contributor23 Sept 2015, 10:01 pm AEST

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Hi @Lamington

Sounds like a new beginning for you. Isn't it amazing how the ending a relationship can bring both sadness and relief. It's a mish mash of emotions, but it's good to hear that you are looking after you. If you can't do this, who will?

Sometimes I think that staying with loved ones and caring for them, picking up the pieces, provides little incentive for them to pick up the pieces themselves. I hope I don't sound to harsh here, because I do understand how tough it can be for some. But I do wonder where is the line between support and enabling??

Anyhoo @Lamington, glad that you have join the Forums. What are your plans now?

Talk soon,

BeHappy

In response to: Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

NikNikSenior Contributor24 Sept 2015, 5:23 pm AEST

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Welcome @Lamington

Some would find it easier to stick with their partner at the cost of their own mental health - which serves nobody well. It's great that you made that boundary for yourself.

I hope you're travelling okay.

If I remember correctly, @Jacob101 separated from his partner when things became unsafe - any tips for Lamington?

@Lamington - I'd be keen to hear how you're travelling - BeHappy raised some interesting questions to think about.

In response to: Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

LamingtonCasual Contributor24 Sept 2015, 10:36 pm AEST

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Yep I'll agree with that.

Often wondered whether I'm doing tooooo much and that is not such a good thing. It is all such a dance !

So at the moment we have hit the bottom which is good actually because now we are forced to get back up and sort out the mess of our lives. But it is just SOOOOOOOOO DAMN SAD. ABSOLUTELY UTTERLY RUBBISH!

Husband is in THE CLINIC now for next few weeks So far so good.. I feel very relieved that he is finally getting the intensive help that he (we) need. But sad for him because he is sick and I just feel sad generally at the moment.

In response to: Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Jacob101Senior Contributor26 Sept 2015, 10:10 am AEST

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Hi lamington. Hang in there. It's never easy. I had to leave my partner about a year ago because his psychosis was so bad he was violent. I've set him up in a flat a few suburbs away and support him as much as I can but I just can't dedicate all my time to him if he doesn't want to take responsibility for his illness. He doesn't take his meds even though I set them up each week in a Webster pack. He stresses me when he sends me 25 texts in a day (very abusive stuff) but then equally stresses me when I dont hear from him for days ... Lol ... Can't win. I just keep reassuring him that I will help him but he needs to help himself ... But my help is to get him to a stage of independence, not to get him back as a partner. My biggest wish is that he takes control of his illness and formulates a plan to do that and gets my buy in and support. Otherwise all I get from banging my head against a wall is a headache. Best of luck .... J

In response to: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

LouiseSenior Contributor01 Oct 2015, 9:44 pm AEST

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Welcome to the forums @Lamington. So sorry to hear about your sadness. MI can put so much strain on relationships. But there is often much sadness in separation. Look after yourself. I wish you all the best in finding a positive way forward.

In response to: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

PeppiPattySenior Contributor05 Oct 2015, 3:42 am AEDT

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Dear @Lamington

Ille be honest here ; I saw your name and just wanted to say hi..... Yummy .... Laming tons !!!
My husband and I don't live together. We are both very proud consumers ; meaning we have both accessed mental health agencies in the past ; me: chronic depression / high anxiety and him chronic paranoid schizophrenia .
I could not BEAR to live with him and him to me.
But Can empathise like @Jacob101 message .......
Because I truly care like him. What about @Jacob101 last sentence .... Funny hey ?

In response to: Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

LamingtonCasual Contributor05 Oct 2015, 5:04 pm AEDT

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Hi @PeppiPatty

So Im wondering if you and husband have managed to keep some sort of meaningful relationship? Are you still married? Just not living together, or was it easier to formally separate and go your own ways ?

In response to: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

PeppiPattySenior Contributor06 Oct 2015, 5:10 pm AEDT

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Hi @Lamington

How are you today ?
We have a wonderful meaningful relationship

We have spent last two days apart but he just arrived hopefully to be here for maybe till Friday.
We broke up : he tried to quit drinking after we got married but his Mum became ..... Very bad to me and there was no concrete help for him.
He very unfairly ended up in jail for assaulting a police officer and when he got out it was too hard. We separated for 2 years abd wrote to me that he quit the a and ds.
It's easier now. We both think the same. We can see how both of our mothers get a deep thrill discussing these ' issues' we have but they will not walk in and visit my unit.
We have space now to be so much more loving. I can see how he loves me and there is no way ode want to hurt him.
We speak on the phone but honestly I would rather no contact when we aren't together.
He is really a good man. But like I said ode probably like the space of no contact if we aren't together

Does my experience help you ?

In response to: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

DesiCasual Contributor06 Oct 2015, 8:37 pm AEDT

Re: Yes, I'm new too...... I'm

Well done Lamington - you've done a great job for him, now it's time for you to keep yourself healthy.

It's okay to feel sad - give yourself permission, take as much time as you need. It's grieving for him and for you and for the lost relationship.

Never say never, who knows what the future holds. Stay positive and give yourself a BIG pat on the back for sharing on the forums. As carers we all struggle with guilt.

I ended my relationship with my daughter ... sad.

Best wishes

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