Anxiety - Psychosis and my breaks from reality.

Hello,

I am a male and am 16 years old. I am currently a student.

This is my story of what I believe to be my psychosis, my anxiety and my depression.

When I was 9 years old, I experienced something that I had thought nothing of at the time. It was a red dot, I saw this red dot everywhere I went, it was like an invisible man was following me with a laser pointer everywhere I went. As I grew older I began to feel unnerved and scared of this red dot, I often found myself scared, huddled up in my room if I saw it in the house, I preferred to be in wide open spaces with a lot of people where I knew that nothing could hurt me because other people would see it. This has now changed. The red dot as I have progressed through adolescence has morphed into a shadowy figure, i find it hard to complete simple tasks because I am scared of this figure. I can't walk my dog, or go outside for long periods of time because I always see it and get frightened. I see it out of the corner of my eye, and I hear it. At least I think I hear it, commonly when I look around, things are not there, I hear clapping to my right and I will look, and I will be facing a wall. These moments have made my dreams feel real, I begin to question if things really happened and am confused about my perceptions on reality.

I have been having these breaks from reality since I was 9. I am scared of my family and the people around me because I think they will hurt me. If I get in a verbal fight with someone, I will find myself gripping onto a blunt object, a bat or something or other at night and sleeping with it in my bed in case they come to hurt me or it comes to hurt me. This has driven me over the edge of sanity, more frequently, as I have grown older I have begun to question what is really real and what is not. I get blinding headaches occasionally but no one is ever there to help because I am always hiding in my room away from my family.

Recently, my family has left my home, my mother has flown away to look after my grandma, my dad works full-time and my sister goes to University throughout the day, leaving me completely on my own with the voices in my head. I am stuck in an internal conflict with myself and do not know what is wrong with me, I am scared of what is to come as this develops and I have no idea what to do. I am hoping someone has experienced these events before and is able to give me some advice on what they have done to combat this. No one I know, knows about my "condition" or the problems I am having. I do not like the idea of professional help because i am scared I will be forced to have medications and i am paranoid about things having influences on my body, i prefer to be in complete control which is why i avoid drugs and alcohol unlike others my age who leisurely drink.

I sleep near my side gate which leads me to wake up to sounds of it opening, i check but nothing is ever there and the gate is not open. I often wake up terrified with the image in my head that there is someone standing in the corner watching me and i have seen of what seems to be a figure leaning over my bed dozens of time, however, when i reach out to hit it or kick it away it is never there. I am struggling to distinguish what people are real and what people arent, I feel as if everyone is out to hurt me and cross the street to avoid contact with people on rare occassions which i leave my room.

The past few days have left me scared and terrified as i have been alone, I constantly carry weapons on me in case someone is going to attack me, at school i am most vulnerable and scared because i have the fear of getting caught with a weapon and have the fear if i do not carry it, someone will hurt me. I also hold a first aid kit on me most of the time and on the rare occasions i forget i get all tensed up and often find myself cramping in my hands and feet as well as sweating a lot from my feat and sometimes my head.

I am honestly terrified to find out what is wrong with me but I am curious at the same time. I have no idea how to seek help without telling my family about the problems i have been having.

help me,

- Rarity