Ruok

I'm new here and ruok day my work triggered a lot of bad memories from my history of psychosis. It was at work for the clients and they had a morning tea for staff. It was well meaning but I mentioned to an organiser in as much words, that the morning tea was a token. I was at that work place when the last episode occurred. I'm still there and I recieved a good amount of leave, but the face to face was insulting and the stigma and education on the matter inept and destructive. I learnt never to speak, bring up, or discuss any issues of mine again. The rare occasion I do is like digging into an old wound. The few that knew, most have left and I think the rest forgotten. Most misunderstood what had happened, trivialised it and made me feel... Well.

Ive had gp's laugh in my face at side effects of medication, not be caused they didn't believe me, they hadn't heard of it before and thought it genuinely funny. I have become pragmatic. I do not indulge in introspection. I've taken on the simple line from one of the newer Leonard Cohen songs, "don't trust my inner feelings, inner feelings come and go". I love and am loved. People would never guess I have a history like I have and in many ways I've recovered well. I guess you could say I'm high functioning. I have no real formal diagnosis real except a vague, " you have a psychotic disorder". Each episode I have taken myself off my meds. The psychs and gp's and cat teams and such have been of little help and most often inaccessible. The cat team were good at their jobs, the rest were hopeless and in some cases unprofessional.

There is no one to talk to on this. My family in the early years were my support.

I forget how totally disrupted my life has been from these 4 acute episodes.jobs, friends, masters courses, relationships, and a move of country. Plus the meds, the sigma, side effects from on and off for a few years of meds (they did stabilise, but no way on long term) and then my own mind.

Ruok?

Everyone tells me so.