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what is better?

TechuniqueSenior Contributor24 Sept 2017, 4:18 am AEST

what is better?

when I was 8 it was discovered that i have a congenital spinal deformation, when I started puberty I started the teenage angst, when I was 15 I was diagnosed with Depression, at 17 I became schizoaffective, when I was 20 I began being adicted, when I was 25 I found the "right medication"

Now I am 27 years old and when I look back on my life, the first seven years were amazing, loving, happy and fun, or at least what I can remember was; but the last 19 years have just been disappointment, depression, hallucination, addiction and pain both in me (physical mental and emotional) and in how I make others feel. I can say without self pity that I am a bad person. I want to do right, I want to improve. I want nice things for everyone, myself included, but none of that has changed that I regularly hurt everyone I know, myself included (mentally not physically) I'm sitting right where I was on the day I first got checked into a psych ward. Further back, actually. Back then I thought maybe we'd figure this out. Back then I believed that if I hung on it might get better, or at least that dealing with it would eventually make me strong enough to notice it less or be familiar with it. Instead all I have to try to build on is almost two decades of memories that I try desperately to avoid because there really isn't a single happy moment in them anywhere. Yeah, I'll admit that there have been a lot of times I was laughing, or hanging out with cool people, or being excited by new ideas, but really that's just entertainment. I want to be able to look at myself with pride in something. I want to be able to look at myself with love. I want to be able to look at myself without pity. I want to be able to look at myself without feeling ashamed, not of who I have Become, because of who I have always been, and have never been able to change in the slightest. I'm so tired of being hateful towards everything within or outside of myself. I'm so tired of looking at other people with jealous rage that they can do these things that seem so small and simple for everyone else but totally impossible for me.

I know, I know, hang in there, it will get better someday. but really, what Is better?

Wherever I go, there I am and I hate that fact more than any other.

4 replies

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In response to: what is better?

Unknown userMember24 Sept 2017, 9:45 pm AEST

Re: what is better?

Hi @Techunique

Im sorry your post hasnt gotten a response today, I really want to acknowledge and thank you for writing it. You have had a lot of crud to deal with and pain for such a long time. You say that you are a 'bad' person but at the same time you say you want to be better.. i guess to me that implies that you have feelings and want to be better (in so many ways) which would say to me that you are 'good'. I've had similar conversations with my psychologist with varying contexts about bad/good...

Something that i'm trying to work on at the moment is developing a goal, or having something to achieve that is just for me. At the moment everything in my life seems quite challenging and is about someone elses needs, but i'm struggling to come up with something doable as well... but i also know that I need something. Im not sure if something like that could be relevant for you?

In response to: what is better?

Unknown userMember26 Sept 2017, 11:22 am AEST

Re: what is better?

Hello @Techunique

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it seems like you have gone through some really tough times and I am noticing that you are trying to build compassion for the things that you went through rather than feeling shame for things you had no control over. It is good you are reflecting on that, but difficult to do all on your own, do you have help of a psychologist to assist in you building that compassion for yourself and finding small positive things to look forward?

There is a thread by @grubbytoes which discussed other ways of building Self Compassion, that you might like to read through when you feel up to it?

I am also wondering if you do some self-care daily, as that is small ways that you gain control over your life and look after yourself, are there things that you do just for you and no one else that give you pleasure? My favourite thing to do is go for a walk through the park with a coffee, just for me and no one else.

lunar 🙂

In response to: Re: what is better?

TechuniqueSenior Contributor07 Oct 2017, 2:15 pm AEDT

Re: what is better?

Thanks for replying, I very much could use a goal. I've been trying to find one for a long time but I get interrupted by this darn mental illness pretty often. That's not an excuse though, I need to learn to be more patient with myself and to let go of my perception of what my life was going to be before I became who I am (not to imply that my defining trait is my affliction, just that my skills and potentials have shifted from what they were before it.) I sometimes get quite discouraged, as evidenced above, by the difficulty I have had in coming to terms with the changes I have undergone and in seeking peace with my new state of being. But I feel very encouraged by your response, one step down the road at a time, one day of travel is better than one day of stillness.

In response to: Re: what is better?

TechuniqueSenior Contributor07 Oct 2017, 2:24 pm AEDT

Re: what is better?

I have only very recently begun the habit of treating myself to things I desire or enjoy, for a vast majority of my life since mental illness landed I have been in such desperate poverty that my every waking moment was spent ensuring that my life continued on to another waking moment. Necessary but quite telling on my desire for another day. Recently, I've managed to get onto disability payments, which have hurt my self esteem a little if I'm being honest. But it has also allowed me to better my living situation and begin taking small pleasures into my daily routine. Progress is slow and I get very upset about the pace sometimes but I have to acknowledge that while I am taking the smallest possible steps towards improvement, the scenery one sees when they walk down a road does not change instantly, nor even quickly. Patience seems to be a virtue that life wishes to teach me, I must focus on being a better student of life's lessons and let go of the idea that my life is or ever was under my control, it's a hard perspective for me to hold but rewarding when I am holding it.

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