Hi @louise94
Sorry for the late reply, my brother didn't leave until late last night.
Sounds like you have a great psychologist! Keep on with her for sure - perhaps if you feel comfortable, ask her for help with dealing with grief from the past.
One thing I have experienced in life is that we are more likely to self destruct when we suppress emotions, suppress grief (thinking "just deal with it"), and suppressing expression of trauma (not talking about it). In a lot of ways you are doing better because you are gaining insight into why you are feeling the way you are and you "are talking about it and discussing it/dealing with it in healthier ways". This is painful at first but will free yourself up more to move forward better. Two steps forward, one step back, three steps forward, two steps back and so forth. Not always smooth but making progress where before the suppressed pain was controlling and becoming overwhelming leading to self destruction. You are making progress.
It is very painful at first (hence why we suppress it in the first place) but it's allowing the grief/emotional pain to be released. When we suppress the inner pain just grows and comes out in other ways - e.g. Self loathing. Anxiety, lack of trust, anxiety, depression, over sensitivity, low self esteem etc. Once we deal with our grief/emotions and work on letting them go over time - then it comes to "not looking back ever but forward" (not to be re-triggered or held back by past hurts). It is a work in progress. And nothing worthwhile is ever easy, just worth the effort.
We are very resilient as children and our minds can't always process the adverse happenings around us. So we "block" and numb ourselves from the emotions, pain and trauma. This is a good survival instinct at the time but when that numbing wears off it the resulting trauma or emotional pain etc will come from the sub concious to be dealt with and/or insight will develop that those traumas have something to do with what triggers our emotions now. And it does if it was not dealt with at the time. Numbing is good to survive at the time but it stops us later on from fully feeling (the good things too, joy etc), and stops us living life in its entirety with all,it's ups and downs. Issues develop.
Your insight into this is a good thing, giving you resources to work on such triggers with your psychologist. And to allow yourself to properly grieve your childhood, your loneliness in it, your losses/grief and the way you felt "not valued" or important at the time. The latter is why you may over-react now - self worth and confidence took a blow when our minds and emotions were developing as children and this will shape how we cope with life as adults. We are all unique and the above is just a baseline. Use what you feel is possibly releveant in your circumstances and what you can take from this to improve your quality of life and control over your mood fluctuations. Sometimes other factors can be present which will take Self exploration looking within.
The above is a small part of what I have experienced. And have found personally once we work through these issues and "grow in confidence and self belief" the less these emotions and the past will control stopping us from our personal goals and path in life that leads to inner growth and a more fulfilling existence. The battle is not allowing the pain/moods to control us - but us to control it in time moving forward as we do.
I hope this has helped and that your day is a good one. Hugs 🤗 xx
