Hello

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to write really, and I hope this is the right place to post this msg.

Firstly, I want to say that I'm sorry, but I haven't read other people's comments/stories on here. It's not that I don't care (quite the opposite), but I know from past attempts to join msg boards etc. that I tend to read other people's stories and feel awful about the kind of things they are dealing with, and then I feel that I have no reason to feel down, if these people are managing to struggle on, why can't I, etc. etc so I don't end up posting at all. So please know that I do care about what others are going through, and do wish I could help, even though my not reading others' stories might suggest otherwise. I do send my support and hope everyone is doing ok as much as possible, and that today is a nice day for you.

So now that's said, I guess I should say something about why I'm actually posting here, and yes I do tend to ramble on (please feel free to skip my msgs).

It's hard to sum up, but I am really struggling lately. I try so hard, at least on the ok/better days, but I just feel overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, hurt, upset generally. And very lonely/alone lately. I have been diagnosed in the past with depression and anxiety, not on any meds though was for about 2-3 yrs in the past. I've struggled with thinking too much and levels of depression since about the age of 8-9 I would say. Now 31.

I don't really know where to start, so will try to list some things that may explain my story/situation a bit (no particular order):

- my mum (the tough one who keeps going no matter what and supports everyone else) came home this morning from eye appts and just looked so... frail... :'( I gave her a hug and asked if I could do anything but she said she was ok, but she looked so tired and just sort of small suddenly, and it just made me so worried about her, I realised I would be devastated if anything happened to her (I mean I already knew that, but this sort of drove it home) and that I was terrified of that. She said she actually had been lying down to rest for a few minutes before I realised she was home (she never rests, even with flu etc).

- yes I live at home, with my parents and brother (who is studying). We are a close family and get along well mostly, but of course there is that judgement that comes with being 31 and living at home, and I have my own space but would obviously do things a bit differently if I lived elsewhere. I very much appreciate my family's support and kindness, and I do pay a small amount of board/rent each week.

- I have a relatively uncommon degenerative genetic condition that was only diagnosed in the last few yrs (despite signs since childhood, that no one put together), and tbh I am still coming to terms with it in ways. It is not life threatening, but does involve chronic pain, fatigue/trouble sleeping and various other things (won't go into detail here). It is quite unpredictable, effects-wise. There is very little support/knowledge available in Aust - most doctors have never even heard of it.

- my (ex)bf and I recently split up (mutual decision, more or less). I feel it was probably for the best, in the long term, and it's probably been coming for a while tbh, but it's so so hard atm. He also struggles with depression etc and has been dealing with a quite serious addiction this year (past history, from before I knew him, but it has got a hold again this year with a vengeance). I love and care about him very much, and we are basically each other's best friends, but it's been an awkward situation. We still talk/msg every day and catch up at least once a week, and really we are the main emotional support in each other's lives (neither of us has any really close friends - well I have one, but she has her own issues), but of course I worry about this, and if it is the best thing to do, etc etc. I don't feel anything for him on a sexual level any more, and I genuinely consider him like family to me. I want to support him as much as possible to get through what he's dealing with, but I struggle with knowing the right thing to do, or if I'm making things worse, etc. Plus I don't want take advantage of him or rely on him (and have been being careful not to). We have both hurt each other this year (mostly unintentionally), and the level of trust is not as it once was, but we are still close, and still take comfort in one another and try to help each other. I don't know if this is a good thing, but it's how it is atm, and we have discussed it a bit. I don't see the point of us both sitting alone miserable in our rooms if we could perhaps support each other and actually motivate each other to go out and do something. On the other hand, I am scared of getting stuck in that comfortable rut and not really getting over each other. It's a really hard call to make, and I worry about acting selfishly and also about bringing him down with my own issues, but I also know he doesn't really have any one else (no one else knows about the addiction atm except his medical professionals) and I want to make sure he has someone to talk to or call if he needs to. We both know and agree that we need to make new/more friends, but it's difficult sometimes, and hard to find motivation. He seems to be making some progress in getting the addiction under control, but serious depression is creeping in to take its place, which has the effect of driving him back occasionally in an attempt to find some kind of relief. On some levels, I absolutely understand it and feel tempted on occasion myself. Obviously I can't tell him that though. **Please note I am not supporting, encouraging, or condoning any kind of drug use, beyond appropriate prescription meds, if that's something that helps you.

-Ok, moving on. I struggle with serious depression myself, yes I have some thoughts of suicide, but I also have sort of decided/promised myself not to take that route, on account of the pain it would probably cause others. It's really really hard sometmes though, as I'm sure many people here would know 😕 I struggle to find meaning in life, and with many thoughts related to existential depression (which is something I only realised probably this year, and explains a bit why I have had minimal success with mental health people in the past I think). Unfortunately this is not stuff that goes away by changing your immediate situation, or with meds. (and yes I know there is certainly some situational-type depression too). I also get quite anxious sometimes, though I've improved this last few yrs. I wake up anxious sometimes though, which is a horrible feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

- I feel generally lost and overwhelmed much of the time. I lack the goals and clarity I seemed to have when I was younger, and I don't know how to get that drive and motivation back. I am degree qualified and academically smart, according to the marks, but I work in admin for a company not related to my field. Nothing wrong with that, and mostly it is ok, but it is not what I really want to be doing, or have passion for. THe problem is that I don't know what that is either. Also, I earn relatively little money (work casually, very low wages tbh and I am owed about 5mths pay + 2.5 yrs super - yes I am trying to follow that up, and I know I need to address it). However, my boss is really nice, very flexible and supportive, we get on well, and the work is ethical - all things that are important to me, especially flexibility (for my health) and ethical work. I want to pick up some extra work, just to earn some more money, but I honestly am not sure what to do. I worked casual retail for a bit last yr, but had to give it up on account of the pain/fear of making my condition worse, and the limited hrs I could do per shift. I sound like I am just whingeing, and I'm so sorry for that, I know I am so lucky in many many ways, especially compared with many others. I am grateful for all the good things in my life, and I do appreciate the positive things I have.

- there are other things, but this is way too long already (thank you so much to anyone who's actually read it! If not, I totally understand and it's been therapeutic to write in ways anyway), and I am pretty tired now and should actually go do some work.

- if anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask.

Thanks so much and best wishes to you all, I hope things improve, no matter your situation.