My Mum has abdonded our relationship. I am really struggling.

Hi @Ashleigh - I'm so sorry this happened, it sounded like you couldn't do anything right and you really struggled alone being a carer.

Its amazing you managed to keep her from being scheduled at all, and it appears to me that whatever she is going through, she couldn't back out from the intense emotional reaction and punishment she gave you.

How long has it been since you talked to your mum? I am definitely sure that a lot of people here have felt abandoned by a dear relative or friend, and it has been devastating. I'm so happy you've found the forums helpful so far, and that more of our members might share their stories, or link you to discussions about that.

@Former-Member thank you for getting back to, it was nice to feel not judged in what I was saying. That is another feeling I experience quite abit because some people expect you to maintain a relationship wtih your mum for the simple fact that is she is your mother.

It has been about 6 months since I have spoken to my mum. I left the lines open for communication however she still hasnt reached out. My Mum cut communication with 4 out of my 5 siblings but she is slowly reaching out to them, yet I am still in the dark. It is borderline torterous. I often feel it isn't fair that I am in this position and I often question "what have I done wrong?".

It feels nice to not be alone and to have people who understand and respect the journey.

Hi @Ashleigh

I agree with Scout - what a hard situation for you. I can see how it would feel very unfair and it would be really important for you to take care of yourself as you haven't done anything wrong. Sometimes mental health at its bad times can feel like a personal attack but really the person struggling is lacking control in their behaviours. I am sorry you have gone through this. Have you sought some professional support for yourself around this as well?

It is often hard to reach out for support so it is really great of you to do so here. The community within our forums is extremely empathic and caring and I hope you have been enjoying that. I know there is a lovely thread where you can grab a hot chocolate and just connect for a warming moment with people such as @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope !

Keep reaching out - we are all here

Lauz

Hello @Ashleigh I'm so sorry this happened for you , sending you knowing hugs

what have I done wrong?".-- you have done nothing wrong , I felt like that being rejected over and over again by my father

How are you today @Ashleigh xx

@Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member thank you for your kind words, they do a go a long way espesically when you are struggling and feeling very lonely and abandoned, it is nice to not feel so alone.

I have tried counselling in the past and I haven't really found it helpful. I work in the mental health industry and often know what they are going to suggest for treatment, but as time rolls on i find myself struggling more and more with my thoughts and how I view myself and think that both counselling and possible medication may be needed.

I am finding it particularly hard because it is my birthday in two days and I know i am not going to hear from my mum. No happy birthday, no I love you, nothing. it is really painful to know I mean so little to her at this point in time and that the way she feels is more important than how I might be feeling, or that what I going through is not as significant as her challenges.

Feeling for you @Ashleigh .....

I will tag you from our Hot Chocolate thread ..... chatting a bit socially can be a good source of distraction from our pain .... and all of us are here because we are suffering ..... with no need to justify or explain. You're amongst kindred spirits here ....

💐💕

Hi @Ashleigh,

Its really great to hear how self aware you are in terms of treatment. It can be a bit discouraging when you havent enjoyed an experience with a counsellor but sometimes trying again with someone different can be the change needed, it can take some time finding someone you click with but as you mentioned it may well be needed.

Meanwhile @Faith-and-Hope is right - kindred spirits are amoungst you here. The hot chocolate thread is such a treat and a place to just have a social chat. We have also just started working on a new space for crosswords and quizes (I may be due to post some more clues in today actually! lol) which is also nice to just distract our minds for a bit.

Keep reaching out and sharing here - I am only too sure that we will all be here to wish you a Happy Birthday tomorrow as well (its tomorrow right?) I know @Shaz51 really loves a birthday celebration

Hi @Ashleigh,

Happy Birthday💐

With your mum,it sounds like she is sensitive and so are you and that "feelings run deep" so perhaps just trying to reestablish your relationship at the place where it was originally will not work.

Instead,have you considered trying to get her trust back by, for example, writing her a letter apologising for the route that you took,for not involving her and consulting with her first,empathising with how she must have felt,explaining what you wish you had if done differently,and how you/your mindset has changed since this "experience"?

This letter and your feelings would need to come from a sincere place,and that would mean examining yourself to see if that is where you are at emotionally/maturity wise.

I think you will need to take the first step,as (objectively speaking) due to the illness,your mum might not have the capacity to regulate her emotions properly.

Happy Birthday from me too @Ashleigh .....

It is hard because it is clear that you have empathy for your 15 year old self and how frightened you were, how much you were struggling to cope with very adult circumstances, and what a wonderful job you did with coping in the moment. It is your older self who can look back on this experience and realise that there was probably room to involve your mum in that decision process re the scheduling .... but as @ivana said, your mum is obviously not able to connect with that compassion and is only reactive.

Are you able to work with your siblings towards a reconciliation ?

Are you able to meet with them and engage their compassion for your situation to start with ?