About me

hi everyone.
i thought i would share my life story, firstly to get it off my chest and just to give you an insight of why i have mental illness.
my dad was very abusive to my mum, very violent. even when she was pregnant with me and my sister. me and my sis had to listen to the abuse, listen to things being smashed and mum being abused. we also was abuseed. we were locked in our rooms for days with no food and a bucket to piss in. we always locked outside in the cold at night with nothing more than undies on. my mum would be hungry from not eating because he wouldnt let her. sis and me would have to sit in the middle of the lounge room floor for hours and if we fell asleep dad would throw his steelcap boots at our heads.
thats only some of what he use to do to us.
when i was 12 years old mum left him. we moved far away
then from 12 to 15 years old i was sexually abused.
i was one messed up kid. i hated everything, everyone and most of all i hated me.
time progessed and i started drinking, smoking and doing drugs. (the heavy stuff)
i was always trying to ..... myself. i just wanted to die. i stopped talking to people and i stopped eating. i felt i had to punish myself all the time and that what i did.
at 19 years old, i had been seeig this guy for 3 years. ......
i found him dead.
that just broke my heart. i started using drugs even more and i was drinking any time that i was awake. i was a mess.
then 10 years ago i met my hubby. he saved me. i stopped using drugs but i still drank heavely.
anyway, 5 years ago i was going down hill again so i went to see someone.
now i have PTSD, cluster B personility disorder, major depessive disorder and anxity
(sorry about my spelling. dont know how to spell some shit)
so now here i am , and im still struggling with now and my past. im still a bloody mess. i still get suicidal and i still hate myself. im always self harming, ( but i havent doon that in nearly a month now) so thats one good thing. im trying to stop that because of my kids. im trying to cover up my scars with tattoos so the kids cant see them.
the 2 things i have managed to do well in is, bringing my kids up well and committing to my hubby.
oh and i have stopped drinking, but i do slip up every now and then..... like when im really upset. but i still have this battle within myself and i hate it. it scares me.
so, this is my life and why i am the way i am.