sane friends?

Hi @jem80

I can see how finding the time and trusting someone to tell them about your personal things, such as mental illness is difficult and risky, you are being protective, I would too. But it is good that you are aware of how this may be impacting on your ability to let people in and build friendships.

Personally, I have friends for different things, some I find good for something social like a laugh or just some company, these are people that I don't necessarily tell them about my issues, but it is nice to have their positivity around me. Then there are maybe 1 or two friends that I open up with and tell them my concerns, sometimes, well mostly, they tend to problem solve rather than hear me out, but I try my best to explain and don't expect them to 'get it' because they are not me, I find that only comes from therapy. But it is still good to let it out so they can try to understand better and know my vulnerabilities, I find down the track they open up more with me, which builds connection.

Have you tried ways of practicing how you can talk about yourself with friends, to let them in, but not too much so you aren't at risk of them breaking your trust?

Lunar 🙂

Hi @jem80,

I've given up on the friend thing since my last friend disappeared out of my world in December after promising me a bazillion times that she would never disappear. I always knew that if she bailed out, that would be the last time I tried.

Part of my puzzle is that it seems people like me until they start spending time with me, and then once they really get to know me, they don't like me anymore. I don't really understand, and after two decades of trying, I'm pretty much too tired to really give a damn.

I'm not even sure if I really understand the concept of friendship. I was reading @Former-Member's response to you and to me, what she described was more aquaintances than friends.

So...in answer to your question, nope, I don't have any friends (sane or otherwise)...and to be honest, after the oh-so-many times that I have been hurt by "friends," I'm ok with that.

@Former-Member The reason I have not-friends is specifically because I never intend to do the friend thing again. So...not really on a continuum - more like the polar opposite. If my not-friend disappears or hurts me, I can simply shrug it off and tell myself "I never expected anything of her anyway, because we are not friends." It's complicated.

Hi @Former-Member, I am female so there's a pretty good chance I'm not the guy you are thinking of.

Thank you for saying I sound highly intelligent, creative and fun. I think that fits with how I see myself. I am "troubled" due to a very extensive trauma history that has spanned more than two decades. The other thing that can make me seem quirky to many people is that I have autism (what would have formally been called Asperger's syndrome).

Um...I think the thing that helps me feel safe with people is when they meet me where I'm at. So...for example, I feel that I connect particularly well with @CheerBear...but I will never do the friend thing again. Thus, a few months ago we talked about how I super like her and she super likes me, but I'm not doing the friend thing again, and she responded by saying that that's fine, we can be not-friends. That feels safe to me and thus the relationship has strengthened over time.

I guess another example is the whole "hug" thing that happens in Forum Land. I have a complex relationship with the whole concept of touch. The idea of random strangers hugging me feels wrong to me. I have to feel super safe with someone before a hug feels ok. After being in Forum Land for about eight months, I now have three safe-touching people on my list. Getting hugged by anyone else still feels wrong to me. Having people throw unsolicited hugs at me does not make me feel safe at all.

So...I guess what I'm saying is that it's a matter of meeting the person where they are at. If this guy keeps you at arm's length, then maybe hang out with him at arm's length, if that makes sense. I feel very connected and part of the community here...but I super like living out in the ocean off the coast of Forum Land. I don't tend to hang around in the social chat threads much, because in real life I don't do small talk. For others, however, those threads are invaluable.

Um...I'm not sure that any of that was helpful. I'm going to be jumping off the forum for a while now, but maybe we can continue this conversation in the nest if you want to??? I don't want to hijack @jem80's thread here.

By the way @jem80, it is nice to meet you. Thank you for starting this interesting conversation.

@Phoenix_Rising

Thank you for your story. It was really inspiring. I have never thought about friendship in terms of a not-friend. Must try that. I guess part of it is to do with is feeling safe and trust. I like how you mentioned when people meet you where I'm at. I guess that maybe part of my issue, I'm not quite sure where I'm at. I do normal things, yet I have my own restrictions, some which I'm still trying to navigate through.

hello @jem80, how are you today my friend