I don't think I love my mother.

Hi again @Former-Member, I relate to what you say here. I love my mother very much but we have had a very difficult relationship. I find her company very trying. It can even be a bit traumatic for me to spend time with her (it may also be like that for her). She is the only person I've ever had a physical fight with, when I was 16 and running away from home and she tried to stop me (not our finest hour by any means).

But it's much easier than it used to be, now that she's older (82) and I am older too (55). But, even now, when she visited from interstate a few months ago, I ended up in wailing tears with her at least once. At other times I was extremely irritated by her. I also noticed there was a heavier dose of mute depression in me while she was here. Like you though, I hate the thought of hurting her (though I do), and know that the things I find difficult in her (such as literally non-stop talking), she can't really help.

I probably wouldn't choose to be friends with my mum if she wasn't my mum. I do like her and think of her in many positive ways. But the 'chemistry' between us as human beings is hard. It's hard on her too. I guess the essence of it is that the relationship is ambivalent, probably not uncommon with lots of people. It has helped me to reach a point in my life some years ago where I realised and (at least partly) accepted that I would probably never have the relationship I really craved with mum. But that there could be parts of it that are good.

I don't think we have to 'like' our mums in that regular friendship way. I think the powerful, primal fact of them being our mums is more than enough. This usually entails powerful love and often powerful difficult feelings too. They are one of the people responsible for giving us our existence at all. If we struggle at all with our own lives, it's easy to hold resentment towards our mums (and dads) as responsible for us even being here. I know I blame mum for way too much, even now, at a time when I've worked for years, decades even, to rid myself of this.

It sounds like you live with your mum. I think that would make the relationship a lot more intense and the difficulties are then more likely to also surface in a bigger way. It's not easy living with anyone. My mum and I mostly keep our relationship on an upbeat level because it is a phone relationship most of the year. We live two states apart.

Even if it may not ever be the relationship you most hope for, I really hope there are better days ahead for you and your mum, as there have been progressively better days for me with mine, as time has gone by.

Hi @Former-Member

Same here - I know I loved my mother but she died and we never verbally reconciled - though I saw her in hospital not long before she died but before her stroke and she could not hear nor speak - I sat and stroked her hand and wiped the tears out of her eyes and saw her terrible regret

Like your mother mine had a terrible childhood as well - and it's a reason but not an excuse for people to give their kids a hard time. I have no idea what set my mother off in the first place but as I small child I rebelled and as a severely co-dependent person she was unable to deal with a small child with so much spirit

To make the long story short I stayed away from my family for sometimes years on end - and toward the end when my mother was in care she would snarl at me "Getoudahere" and one day I turned back rather than just leave and told her that she had been driving me away for my whole life and this was the last day.

For 2.5 years I wrote short notes every month or so - telling her I would like to see her and listing my phone numbers but I never heard a thing. I don't feel guilty - one of my aunts told me I did more for my mother than she deserved

But how does this help you?

Your mother was not there for you and you can hardly bear to see her in pain. I understand. You are living under the same roof - I don't know your circumstances but that is not a good idea. You can't change anything and she has done what she could in her way - she wants to love and be loved in return - but

She is like the little girl in the relationship and you are the adutl - that does not build a happy relationship - I have no idea why this is but I can say that as bad as it feels I don't believe you are ungrateful because you have not been loved as you would like to have been

I hope that in writing this you have maybe got a bit of it out of your system - and I can see that other people have written something as well - actually I read this earlier and had to think about it before I replied

Really - apart from reassuring you that this is pretty common anything else I might say would most likely sound trite - I can read your sorrow here and know myself that I could not let my mother know I loved her because she put up walls to shut me out - similar for you perhaps

Keep writing - writing our story is always powerful and here - other people will join with you with their stories - you are not alone

Dec

Hi @Former-Member,

I didn't either like or love my mum for many years before she died. When I got the phone call to say I needed to come to the hospital immediately, all I felt was relief. Finally it was happening and I would be free. As it turned out, she lived for another week. I told myself that I had only one chance to get this right and I was not going to live with regret, so for that week I stayed by her side, told her I loved her, and that all was well between us. Then, after she died, I went back into the room and spent time with her body. Then I told her that I had lied and that nothing was right. I am very comfortable with the way I navigated the situation. I believe that I did both what was right by her and what I needed to do for myself.

Feelings are feelings. It isn't wrong to love or not love, like or not like. From my perspective, we can't choose our feelings...we can only choose our behaviours. I genuinely don't understand the whole family thing and the idea that somehow because people are blood related, they are "supposed" to love each other. I don't understand why sharing DNA should influence whether you like or love someone. Of course, this is no doubt a reflection of my distinctly dysfunctional family and a part of my muddle.

Anyway, I don't know if my sharing this is even remotely helpful to you. I guess I just wanted to let you know that it's ok to feel what you feel.

It is interesting reading this posts.

i struggle alot with the relationship between my parents and myself. I see that my parents want to love and look after me but i also struggle wit the way they do things. At the moment i have taken a break from seeing or hearing from them. and this in itself is confusing. I wish we could just have some regular realtionship though not sure that there is anything regualr about anyone.

I would love to have a relatinoship that doesn't cause the anxiety that it does but it just isnt there.

maybe one day when i am coping better i will return to my family, merely for their sake that i can shine some love on them.but for now distance is what i need to deal with my own mental health and heal first.

I'm in too agitated a mood to reply property but I just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone for your kind and thoughtful replies. In all honesty, I wasn't expecting any response at all, so I appreciate your kind words all the more.
@mudsum @Phoenix_Rising @Owlunar @Mazarita @Ant7

Hi @Former-Member

Just rest as much as possible and think about things - it seems you have raised the memories of a lot of people and this is good - it's a subject that could be discussed and give people the chance to be helpful about and receive some support they need themselves

It took courage to write what you did - all the best

Dec

Hi @mudsum

I don't think I have shared with your before - your name is unfamiliar - but g'day - we do have quite a bit in common family-wise - I am glad you have added your story to this discussion

My family was unpleasant toward me for years and I kept away and continued with my life for the same reason you did - because I did not agree with them and for my own mental health

More than one therapist told me I had to reconnect with my family and tell them what was amiss - it didn't go down well - many years passed - decades - and I was able to reconnect with my father but never my mother - yet at the end I saw their regret

In the long term it comes down to ourselves - if we have to leave our families to be who we are ourselves and to live by our values then it is a hard choice - and so hard to make it

I am glad you have contributed to this discussion

Dec