41 and want a baby, he doesn't

Hi @feelsad firstly - welcome to the forum.

This does seem to be a difficult situation you are facing. It also does seem like you are grieving for the loss of the relationship and not quite ready to let go just yet. I feel the question you need to ask yourself honestly is - 'why did I leave this realtionship?' - that took alot of courage and strength to do and you felt it was right at the time - so what has changed (if anything)? Is it just that you are feeling there is a void that he once filled and more importantly - could you see a happy future for both you and him if you had stayed in that relationship?

When we have lost something we will naturally have highs and lows about it - so don't be too hard on yourself for those - this is a natural response in the grieving process. ...and as part of a relationship breakdown we will also naturally question both ourselves and any further contact we may have with that partner - and try to make sense of even the smallest things that are said or done - everything becomes heightened (this again is a natural response). Sometimes we read more into other's actions in order to continue to feel hope within ourselves - a kind of self-esteem validation - but that can also close our eyes to why we left in the first place.

Maybe this is a good time to write a pros and cons list - so you can see all the reasons you were in that relationship and all the reasons you left it. Sometimes having a visual list that you can keep referring to helps to give you more clarity around a situation/issue (just a suggestion that often helps me).

I hope this isn't too much for your first response here @feelsad

I am sure that others will be able to offer much better advice/support - it is a wonderful community filled with the most caring and supportive people. Once again welcome to the forum - welcome to the community - and if you have any questions please ask - someone will be around to help you out.

Take care

Zoe

Hi @feelsad,

welcome to the forums. It sounds to me like your ex-boyfriend has given you some mixed messages. This is something I have had a lot of experience with.

Before I met my husband, I always dated men who would say one thing and than do another. They would continually back-track and change their minds on everything and I would end up feeling confused and lonely.

You did such a brave thing in leaving this man. It isn't easy. But at least he has told you that he doesn't want to live with you, have a child with you or marry you. You know where you stand! Unless he now turns up on your doorstep with an engagement ring in hand, then you can safely assume that nothing has changed and that you won't get the commitment you desire from him.

(Even if he did propose to you- he would probably later retract his proposal! Then he would find a way to blame you for 'pushing' him to propose!)

@feelsad- there is nothing wrong with desiring marriage and children. These are mormal, natural things that the majority of women want in their lives. I hope you can find happiness with someone else.

Since you are seeing a psychologist, you might like to explore why you became attracted to someone so unreliable and non-commital in the first place. I'm only going by my own experience here- I am not a professional and can only offer advice as a friend. But I have discovered that, for the most part, emotionally secure, emotionally healthy women do not give these type of men the time of day. They may go on one or two dates with them and then think to themselves "This guy has no idea what he wants- he is wasting my time."

But women like you and me get hooked into the rollercoaster ride and the uncertainty of these insecure and transient relationships, which can never satisfy us, but somehow we hold out hope.

I can absolutely relate to you feeling on an emotional high if this man contacts you and a crushing low if he does not. I was exactly the same! My sister even commented on it, last time I was in this type of relationship (around 10 years ago.) It's like an addiction. When you get some of you chosen 'drug' (contact with your boyfriend) you feel great. When you don't get that contact, you plummet into a low, like a withdrawal.

Well, I found that the best treatment was to go 'cold turky'. Try to book up some social nights out with friends and try to have a nice time. It takes time to heal, so don't be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself.

I think you already know in your own mind what you are doing @feelsad - it just takes a little help sometimes to see what is right in front of you but a bit blurry to see! Your last statement "I don't want to go through this again" says it all. You know where you are at and you know where you want to go - and that does not include any more pain from this 'relationship'. Sometimes it is not about working out why you want/ed this man it is about working out why you don't want that in your life anymore. Often we continue to revisit old patterns with relationships because we only see the positive - but it is the negatives that should raise the red flag and allow us to take a step back and say 'Is this right for me - will this make me happy'? I hope that makes sense to you.

Zoe