trying to help my wife

Hi @tryinghard

It sounds like you are indeed trying very hard. I imagine it would be exhausting and overwhelming for you caring about both your wife and son. It's a large load to carry on your own, so I'm glad that you're on here seeking support and advice.

Can I ask if your wife still linked in with a mental health team/treatment? Or is she open to seeking support? It can be challenging trying to get your wife help if she does not want it. It could be helpful getting in contact with her MH team/doctor if she has one. They might not be able to provide you with info due to confidentiality, but you can at least advise them about what's going on.

Remember @tryinghard there is also only so much you can do before your wife needs to want to get help herself. It's sounds like you doing as much as you can to care for her, so don't forget to care for you too. It can be tough thinking about yourself in instances like this, but self-care also helps your capacity to care for you wife too.

You might find getting in contact with some some support services helpful. ARAFMI provides support to carers of people with MI, and Family Drug Help provides peer-to-pper support over the telephone for people who have a loved with drug and/or alcohol issues.

@Attahua has had experience with accessing treatment for their loved one. You can read more about it here. @Louise has a son with bipolar, i wonder if she can offer some advice about how you can support your wife.

CB

Hi @tryinghard

On top of what CherryBomb has recommended, there was a great Topic Tuesday this week about caring for someone with drug or alcohol problems - which you can find here

The conversation is 'closed' now, but you may find it useful.

Can I ask what was the trigger for her to go to hospital the first time? Did she actively seek help or was she involuntarily admitted?

Hi CherryBomb

Because its been 13 yrs since her last major episode and she doesnt smoke pot, apart from some minor issues she has been a sane loving wife,mother and grandmother so she has not had any contact with the mental health people she dealt with.She doesnt want help and with her brother saying she just needs rest he is not pushing her to get help.he doesnt believe the pot smoking is a problem and says its just stress,I believe pot is 90% of the problem.Also my son went off on thursday night wanting to fight me i had to call the police and they took him away in hand cuffs they released him a couple of hrs later and advised me to leave the house and take out a DVO,I decided to come home in the morning and he had calmed down,if i took out the DVO he would have no where to go and would have to live on the streets.I cant bring myself to do it.

Hi Eagle

The last time she took off up to her sister(emptying the bank account) and the same thing happend her sister said she didnt need help and just needed a break,I was told to not to contact her and to stay away because i was stressing her out trying to talk her into getting help so i did.6 weeks later i got a frantic call from her sister telling me to pick her up straight away and put her in hospital. My wife was like a wild animal,a miracle happend and she agreed to talk to a councilor at the local community health centre she was an ex mental health nurse with QLD Health. She contacted the hospital two ladies came around to talk to her and they had her involuntarily admited she couldnt smoke pot for a couple of weeks and started medication and came good. But the way the mental health unit is now i wouldnt let my dog stay there just full of ice addicts

@tryinghard

I was touched about your hesitance to take out DVO. I am not sure about DVOs if it is just the start of aggressive conflict between you and your son.

As you are both men .. there may be different ways to mediate it ..running in the park, kicking a ball .. talking about the reality and accepting of anger in adult relationships but talking about drawing the line at seriously harming one another.

somehow I got lucky with my son .. he was very angry for at least a decade as a teenager .. and a fair bit of that anger he directed at me .. we worked through it in a martial arts context and a sense of the fairplay at the dojo. Note I am a female yet I was the one who took son kicking the footy. I had done only 3 months judo as a kid but I used it to try to get through to him. I was not scared of well managed physical fighting.

Yet I also watched my mother have to get my violent brother removed by police quite a lot of times .. it is not an easy call.

Mostly my brother never attacked me .. unitil the end .. but I know that it was only his desperation as I had spent 15 years safely walking with him when he was out of control and he only turned on me at the end when my mother was playing funny games.

Gender does come into things .. I get that you have your hands more than full

Best wishes

Hi Appleblossom

Thanks for your advice,i sort of needed to hear that as i have had people telling me that i should have taken out a DVO for my own safety.Last night was the first night since wed that i slept at home,on sat night i was taking him to my mothers 80th birthday party 1 hr before we were going to leave i found a beer glass on the bench with red wine at the bottom of it i later saw him scull another glass so i left without him.But my wifes brother turned up with my wife and son at the party,my other son and I could not believe he would do such a thing. MY wife insulted two of my brothers and all they said was hello my son started on beer then started on spirits i had to argue with my brother inlaw to take them home as they would not leave with me,people that have known my wife for 30 odd yrs could not believe what was happening with my wife and telling me i had to get her out of the care of her brother.The next day he took them fishing at least i got a break from my son but he bought him a 6 pack of beer and dropped him off home with me, after the 4th stubby i had to leave.I just wish there was something i could do to get my wife away from him and keep him away from my son,he also has a history of mental illness.Sorry for my posts being so long but i could sit here for hours and write about things that are happening daily and Im at my wits end

Dont apologise about length of posts. @tryinghard.

Its obviously a crisis time, and every man and woman for themselves. Family alliances and gatherings are where the conflicts are often played out.

Substance abuse is abuse. When people are under the influence or unable to realise the negative consequences of their substance addictions, life is very tricky. There are no easy answers. I can only say I have witnessed similar situations and hold your story in my heart and hope you make the best decisions and that there is some positive outcome eventually.

Only you will know the best way to manage such an escalated situation but it may not be obvious, even to you, but these forums are a good way to vent and to reach out.