Re: Lonliness

Hi,

By way of introduction my name is 'Jake' and I am a male around 58 years old, divorced, live alone in a small country town and have been diagnosed with both BPD and DID. Pretty heavy labels to carry around, they could well have been PTSD or Anxiety Disorder, but they were the ones given to me at the time of my diagnosis.

Without wanting to 'blame my parents' this is all due to me being a survivor of emotional neglect as a young child, living with an alcoholic father and schizophrenic mother, who 'got rid of' me when I was 4 y/o as I was 'in the way'. All this combined with later childhood incestuous sexual abuse from a step father who turned out to be a pedophile, so when mum 'asked me to leave' at 16, I obliged.

I make it a rule never to disclose my diagnoses though, due to the general public's perceived (real or imagined) lack of understanding of mental health issues. This forum will be an interesting experiment for me to be able to connect on a real level, instead of the shallow level that most of society operates on. In my experience, not many people can handle the truth - especially if it is about their own behaviour towards others. People (the ones who think they don't have any problems) seem to look at faults in others, but never themselves. I think they call it 'mirroring' in psychology circles.

I think the fear of this subject in general in people's minds is due to the ill formed perception that someone with a clinically diagnosed mental illness is somehow more of a 'threat' than someone without a diagnosed mental illness. The problem with that line of thinking (as I see it) is that there would be members of the public that actually have a mental illness, but have not had a formal clinical diagnosis (yet - if ever).

My biggest struggle is with loneliness. I mean the sort of loneliness where no-one wants to have anything to do with me, no phone calls, no invitations, no 'how are you going today' - nothing. I think fitting into a society of married couples (or rather people with partners) is one of my biggest struggles. Rhetorically speaking - what has a single divorced male (or female for those ladies who find themself in the same position) got to offer any couples out there? - there needs are already being met by each other and other friends who are 'couples'.

Anecdotal evidence from my experience suggests that my married friends stopped inviting me to social events after my divorce (BTW which was 20 years ago - so I am not just 'having a whinge'!) but still invite all of their married friends - never figured that one out!

Better stop now - otherwise this post will become too protracted!

Thanks for reading,

Kind regards - 'Jake'

Hi Jake, thanks for sharing that.  As a divorced female I have to say I know what you mean on that one.  I think couples feel threatened by a single person in their midst like we're going to steal their partners.  

We are what we are, our upbringing does shape us to some extent.  I try really hard not to blame my parents, in fact I try to avoid discussing my upbringing lol but I had one psych who wouldn't let it drop  but such is life.  Hope you find what you need in these forums!!!!

Hi Jake

welcome aboard

Thanks for being so open in your post, hopefully this will lead the way for others to do the same. I like the challenge you have set yourself in being involved in an online community!

Some of the observations you have made are astute, and will be refreshing to others, providing a platform for more dialogue.

I look forward to seeing where this leads, particularly the societial view that all our needs should be meet by our romantic partners, often at the exclusion of others.

What are others experiences/thoughts?

Hi Jake, 

That was a really brave post, thanks for sharing. You're definitely not alone in regards to the lonliness. 

Hi Blue-Bird,

I'd be interested to hear about your experience on this subject.

Personally, I do make an effort to socialize, but it takes a huge effort, as to do nothing (just stay at home) would be a lot easier, but as we are supposed to be 'social animals' I try to engage others in where they are at, but for some reason there is an imbalance.

Put another way, if I don't make the effort (to socialize with friends) then nothing happens! If I do make an effort, there is no reciprocity. Any good counsellor/therapist will tell us that relationships are based on reciprocity (give and take) then based on that assertion - why do I seem to be making all the effort in relationships? I guess this is just a singles/couples thing!

I could become bitter about this, as the people I visit are mainly couples, so psychologically speaking, I have to convince the partner of the same sex that I am not 'chasing their partner', just want to be sociable with someone who happens to be not single!

Regards, Jake

Hey Jake. That is a big story and thanks so much for sharing. You make some very valid and real points when you speak about the publics perception of mental health. There is still a lot of stigma about.

I don't think you are having a whinge at all. We are the "EXPERTS" when it comes to our own mental health and all that flows from this in our lives.

It is really fantastic to be able to read about others stories.

Thanks again

Harry

I go through long periods of loneliness and I have to make a very big effort to get out. I met a group of people whilst in a period I had at a mental health clinic and some of them I keep in contact with. I made friends with some of the visitors seeing patients and I have become friends with some of them. What I did eventually was to tell all of them I was Schizoaffective, so there could be no misunderstandings concerning my, at times, unusual behaviuor. They mostly treat me kindly and accept I am a bit different. It is hard to have strangers to my home though, because my F/M mate and I are both Schizophrenic and behaviour and mood can be variable. Thats more a fear I have than what actually happens though. I usually have one of my other friend/s around when I meet new people so that at least on other person can help break the ice. I never get invited to things with couples mainly because I am by myself I think. Loneliness is the biggest mood depressant for me so I try not to let it happen, which can be very hard.

Hi Kristin,

Please excuse me if this reply does not work - this is an experiment, so I don't mind if the Administrators reply either way - I would like to try a 'text in text' reply, it helps me digest exactly what is being said so I can reply to each point and not the longer post as a whole.

Obviously for clarity, my replies below will be in orange.

@kristin wrote:

Hi Jake,

Thanks for sharing so honestly and courageously, excruciating to put out there - I hope there is also some relief for you in being able to be so candid.

No worries Kristin, one of my issues with relating to people is that they often wear 'masks' (some say we all do) and so it is hard to know if someone is 'real'. In my experience, I find that most people only relate on a shallow level and the truth often is hard for them to process. In other words, some people would rather entertain a non-truth that deal with reality. In reality I have been damaged by too many bad experiences, but also in reality I am having 'normal' reactions to abnormal events. I often wonder how the people who appear to 'have it all together' would have coped given my past life experiences.

 

I have bipolar, and my best friend (after many other diagnoses over the years) has DID, so I know a bit about both. As you say very hard things to live with (even without all the stigma). 

Thanks for being open, I hope you are coping as best can be. I have an acquaintance living near me who I think is bipolar, as he swings from mania to depressive episodes, but when I suggested counselling he became very defensive (you know - it's everyone else not him). I think DID was demonised by the media, do you remember the movie/book 'Sybil'? I don't know about 16 personalities, but I do relate very differently to different people, depending on how I am treated. For example - I have played in bands and am told that I am a good musician - yet I have never formally learnt music. Freaks me out as I often feel I am in the wrong body (does that make sense?).

 

I really relate to what you mention of your history, especially childhood. This sort of abuse and neglect (hard to say which is the more damaging, they are both horrendous) sets us up for a life-time of damage-control. "Blaming parents" is sometimes quite appropriate if they were utterly irresponsible and/or abusive, and yet that doesn't get us very far in living our lives, except perhaps to get out a bit of the anger occasionally (can you ever get rid of that?). We have to find ways to live, grow and find nurture for ourselves - and this can be such a long journey.

@'They' say early childhood trauma is the most damaging if it occurs at an early age - well I was put in a home @ 4, dad died @ 5, I was exposed to a religious cult @ 6, then again @ 10, where I was sexually abused, so being 'asked' to leave home @ 16 was a blessing in disguise! Poor mum was very sick then (paranoid schizophrenic) I did not know till much later on. So dad had a mental illness, mum had a mental illness, my step-dad had a mental illness and I have.................

 

I completely agree with you about how many people perceive us as if we are lepers and contagious. Yet we have far more strength, insight, and usually compassion than most "ordinary" people. Because we have to work on ourselves, otherwise we are lost. These are some of the "gifts" that can come out of the suffering. But if you can't connect with anyone because you are regarded as taboo then how to share this? It increases the isolation and loneliness when you know you have something to offer others and cannot.

Yes as I say to people who look at me as some kind of leper - where do you think I got my DSP - off the back of a cornflakes box??? I had years of therapy (my choice) to sort out my 'demons' and now I see people all around me with their own 'demons' yet are so into self denial it is not funny anymore. Credit goes to anyone here that has a 'label'.

 

I have been living here (rural area of Vic) for about 8 years, and I guess I am fairly lucky that my former partner spends most of his time with us (he also had a bp diagnosis for many years, but they changed their minds recently!) - we are no longer together but we are friends and mostly enjoy each other's company. It took me a very long time (about 6 years) to really start to connect with people like myself living nearby, thankfully I found others through a community art "class" which is really more art therapy.

I now realise that I am so damaged by my past, that it is better for me if I live alone. The feedback I get from people when I 'come'out' is usually how 'my behaviour affects them, never how much mental anguish I may be experiencing at the time. In fact I try to go out of my way to meet people's needs, without playing the 'rescuer'. Want to know something funny - I once asked a friend who is in an abusive relationship (she would deny this) what a 'boundry' was (psychologically speaking) and she had no idea! This is a person who has an answer to everything, except her own problems!

 

I wrote about some of the sanity found in people with mental illness in a reply elsewhere (Re: MAD [Mightily Anxious & Depressed] seeking any support) so I won't go on again here. The loneliness without having those essential human connections is suffocating. I hope you can find some close to home too, as well as here.

Well without wanting to debate the role religion plays in a persons life (I was brought up in 2 cults)  I have tried to get involved in churches, not only for the spiritual, but for the social aspect. I find that I don't play the game properly, I dare to open my mouth and express my opinion, which usually 'rocks the boat' to the people that want to laud it over me, so I end up leaving (I find avoidance works well if you are being emotionally abused - Lol!)

 

Take care!

Kind regards,

Kristin

 

Thanks for the feedback,

Kind regards, Jake

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