They tell me it will come in waves but why do I feel I'm swirling in the Pacific Ocean

Hi there everyone,

I'm trying to support my daughter in the best way I know how but somehow I feel completely useless. On October 29, 2014 our lives changed forever. Our beautiful 16 year old daughter was sexually assulted by someone known to her (that she hadn't seen for over 9 months) whilst on her way home from school. What followed was what I can only describe as a parents worst nightmare. She went from a confident outgoing young lady to someone whom I didn't recognise at most times. I initially got her her a mental health plan and after seeing the psychologist for the first time the psychologist called me in and told me that I needed to check her room as soon as I got home as she had a well thought out plan for suicide. I felt so incompetent as a mother as I had no idea that it was that bad. We had always had a very open and close relationship. (apparently the ones that don't tell anyone are the ones to watch the closest) I turned into a complete mess watching her every move wondering when she was in her room if she was safe. (I still check on her at least every 30 mins and at least once through the night. I also get my husband to check on her when he leaves for work). I had to give up work to be on constant watch and take her to appointments. That added a financial strain but my husband was amazing and battled work and trying to emotionally support us all.

The anxiety and panic attacks became so frequent. She stopped catching the bus because of the fear he would be there, she wasn't coping at her work. She was and still is having frequent nightmares. I have slept with her on many occasions and she tosses and turns and sweats and will sit upright and scream. Its a horrible thing to observe. She has dreams that a man comes to get her and well the rest is to disturbing to write about. We were once looking in the shops and a lady asked "can I help you?" and she jumped in the air as though someone had just jumped on her.

She was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety and she describes it as a feeling that she was going completely crazy and hearing voices in her head. One day back in Feb this year she said she was going for a run. Suddenly I realised she had been gone for too long. I tracked her phone to in between two roads on the train track. Fortunately we found her in time (although she was unrecognisable) and that was the beginning of finally getting the help she needed. I had previously rang services like headspace and hospital services and the wait was at least 8 weeks just to talk to someone. I took her to hospital and had her assessed by the CAT team. They admitted her overnight and I persuaded them to let her go home rather than be admitted to the adolescent physc unit. She was visited daily or every few days by an outreach service to check on her mental state. After a few months she was deemed "safe" for discharge and then we were left. There was no support for about 8 weeks. It was a really hard time I called headspace but she had been to other service but they hadn't "picked her up" yet. ( I think this was the time I almost had a breakdown). We got onto SECASA and they have been a godsend. She has weekly on most occasions counselling. We have not told many people only close family and a handful of close friends. She has told no-one not even her closest friends. she stopped going to school or only went for a few hours (previously she was an A or B grade student). Her school has been fantastic and her teachers so supportive (apart from the one who locked her in the cupboard when she was having a panic attack and demanded to know what it was about before she let her out).

If I had a dollar for everyone that's asked me have I gone to the police I would be a millionaire! unfortunately due to her age unless she reports I have no rights as a parent and they wont take my statement. The system is messed up. She is petrified to report and make him angry as he knows where she lives. He has changed his phone number 5 times and called her and told her things like "I know you just got home" " that didn't really happen did it?"

She has lost so much from all of this including all her friendships because she hadn't been attending school as much. She has also isolated herself from most people including her family at times. Our boys have suffered and our oldest son has deep guilt that he hasn't been there to protect her. He wants to at least see the guy charged as do we.

The only good thing to come from all this is that her grades haven't suffered and she will do year 12 next year and wants to go into Law and become a prosecutor. I hope she is able to fulfil this dream because god knows she deserves it!!!!

The PTSD and anxiety continues and professionals keep saying it will come in waves and get less each time. I cant see the end to it all. She has become so moody and snappy and I admit I really just want to give up on it all sometimes. When I think things are looking up they come crashing down again. I prefer to talk in we are having a good day or its a bad day! not things are great forever.

My plan forward from this is to join some carer support groups, I would love to meet parents with similar situations I think it would help in not feeling so alone. I don't think close friends can really understand what they would do in this situation. Previously I didn't feel as though I had time to look after my own wellbeing as I was totally consumed with supporting my daughter and her siblings but I think its a good time for me as Im starting to become intolerant of some of her moods. I need to arm and educate myself better. My daughter wants to have a say in how mental health awareness is delivered to schools and to deliver programs that aid teachers in knowing what to do for students experiencing mental health problems.

Sorry its a bit of a long read if you have read this far but journaling is something I have found helpful much love and strength to you all xx