Coping with M.I. and addiction...

So it's been a long time since I have been posting up here and chatting with you all regularly.

So i figured I bring you all up to speed on me and my issues ( if your interested)

I am a active addict, not a recovering addict. I am actively engaged in the use and abuse of addictive substances. My personal favorites, ones I use almost daily, are stimulants, alcohol and cannabis. I also Am diagnosed with Schizo-affective disorder. Which is like bipolar and schizophrenia had a offspring, it would be schizo-affective disorder.

I have effectively not so much destroyed my life, but watched passively as it got destroyed and worse and worse. I was diagnoised in my mid twenties. Prior to having the diagnosis, I was doing amazing in school, had a bright future ahead of me and had a great fiance and friends. However, that quickly changed as my disease progressed and hospitalizations followed. I lost my fiance, my friends wanted nothing to do with me, and my hard work in school didnt pay off cause i couldnt hold down a job. As i spiraled into deeper depression, I sought comfort in drugs and food(Food in my opinion is one of the most commonly abused drugs there is)...I put on over 100lbs. I who once was a aesthetic and sensual being, became a extremely overweight, depressed slob with poor hygeine.

I have recovered somewhat, in that i have not had any hospitalizations for the past 7 years. Medication seems to be working on not letting me reach too far an extreme one way or another. But my hopes and my dreams for having a fun and fufilling life have been shaken badly if not shattered. Due to this, this knowledge of the severity of my illness and what I have lost...I have been unable to distance myself from the mind numbing drugs which make existence just a bit less painful.

I have tried different recovery programs, AA and NA and inpatient and outpatient rehab...

Nothing seems to work.

I seem to want to drink and drug my days and nights away, no matter the likelihood of my earlier than normal demise. Which will likely occur earlier than had I lived a healthy lifestyle.

Am I wrong to throw in the towel and just focus on getting drunk and high daily?

I mean, what other choice do I have?

The life I would lead even if I was sober and clean would be likely unenjoyable.