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I need to change my life

GothMumSenior Contributor08 June 2015, 8:07 pm AEST

I need to change my life

So I'm a single mum. My kids all have mental health issues. Both me and their dad have mental health problems. I was first treated for depression before I was 7. I have spent my life going through depressive episodes. I have always found my imagination much more welcoming than real life.
I grew up with a mother who had bipolar disorder and a borderline personality disorder. She was both physically and mentally abusive, and a significant amount of her anger, distress and dissatisfaction was (negatively) directed at me.
I have spent much of my life worrying that I would be like her. I don't have her physically nasty tendencies but I have been slowly developing other unpleasant aspects.. I have been deeply unhappy with my life. I seem to make truly abysmal decisions and have trusted the wrong people. I often escape into my imagination to escape myself. Increasingly I am having trouble keeping clear what is imagination and reality. Slight exaggerations have turned into full on bs, and increasingly other people are being implicated in my stories.this is one of the awful aspects of my mum's illness. Sometimes I hear myself crapping on and back track, but not always. And then the alternate reality ends up being my 'truth'. I hate myself for doing this. It doesn't just hurt me, but other people too. I have low self esteem from my abused childhood, and I know that this is part of my issue; how would anyone actually like me as me? I am a kind, empathetic person, but I am becoming my own worse enemy. How can I turn my self around? I want to be the friendly, honest person I am capable of, not this monster I'm recognising. I'm hoping being (anonymously) honest about this helps me recover. I can't do this to my kids. And I can't keep living like this...

9 replies

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In response to: I need to change my life

BabooSenior Contributor08 June 2015, 8:32 pm AEST

Re: I need to change my life

Hello Gothmum,

Times can get tough being a single mum, having MI issues to work on at the same time would be so difficult.

Coming in here to the forums i hope will be a good read for you and perhaps have some good ideas for support if you want to try them. Do you have any support networks right now? Family or friends? GP or counsellors?

Do you have any current hobbies and interests? What are you passionate about?

Diet and exercise too, do you get to go out and go for walks, bike rides or swimming just suggestions

Keen to hear a response 🙂

Baboo

In response to: Re: I need to change my life

GothMumSenior Contributor10 June 2015, 1:07 am AEST

Re: I need to change my life

Hi baboo, thank you for your response. I don't have family support and have managed to alienate many people. I have never been able to easily make friends but I do have a couple of pals; I have been worried about how not to wreck these precious contacts.
I have a great GP and a few family support people as well as a caseworker. I also know how much better life is when I am taking regular exercise; after a period of time where I was unable to access my gym, I have just returned. I know once I'm feeling fitter again I will cope better with stuff. I am limited by my kids' needs outside of school hours, but I do enjoy walking my dogs, and have just had my bike serviced...
I am also trying hard to set aside time and plan well ahead to reconnect with my passion- live music.

One of the things I rely on is getting up each day to get children to school, even though it is often the last thing I want to do. If nothing else, at least I have gotten out of the house. I try really hard to get out of the house every day, even if it's just to peg out washing. I do feel worse on days where I have not stepped out doors. And I make sure to eat at least one piece of fruit and a raw vegetable each day...
I have also engaged the services of a decluttering business and am working hard to make physical space which I hope will flow onto a less cluttered mind.

I desperately want to change my thought patterns and my reactions to both everyday stuff and unexpected challenges, so that I can be the mum my kids need, but also so I can begin to feel happy, in control of my life, and lead a worthwhile life.
I hope that baring myself in a safe but 'public' place is a first step in naming my beast and that this time I can stick with it and find some peace.

In response to: Re: I need to change my life

CherryBombSenior Contributor10 June 2015, 9:16 pm AEST

Re: I need to change my life

Hi @GothMum

Nice to 'meet' you.

From what you've written, it sounds like you're making some great, healthy changes in your life (exercising daily, eating well, and getting out of the house).

You said something that struck a chord with me: "I am becoming my own worse enemy. How can I turn my self around?"

For me, being your own best friend is a good start. By this I mean self love. I know that it can sound clichè, but I think there's truth to it. A best friend is someone who treats you well, is not critical of you, and celebrates your accomplishments if if they seem small (like pegging the washing). A best friend does't treat you badly, and at the same the same time, they don't accpet you treating them poorly. But a best friend will support you through tough times. When you can do these things for yourself, I think it helps to attract similar people.

I wonder if any of our other members can relate? @Former-Member is also a mum, making some changes to her life. @kato has made some big changes over the past year. @kristin is also a mother, and has a lot of wisdom to share about making postive changes.

In response to: Re: I need to change my life

Unknown userMember10 June 2015, 11:07 pm AEST

Re: I need to change my life

Hi @GothMum,

you sound really self aware about yourself and what helps and what doesnt, and i guess that helps for you to be able to set yourself some goals and help change unwanted patterns (not so easy though..). I'm struggling through a lot of stuff at the moment and really trying to find a way forward but it doesnt take much to knock me off balance and send me hurtling off in the wrong, or old directions. kind of the two steps forward 3 back kind of stuff.

I used to enjoy being physically fit and healthy (used to love running), but find it really hard to get the time (and motivation) to do it. Also scared to be outside on my own now. I think @CherryBomb is so right about being nice to yourself, though thats something that I really struggle with too. I just started seeing a new GP who is very passionate about mental health. He is really full on but lovely and he made a point of telling me the other day that i am continuing to treat myself as badly as people who have hurt me in the past have. And then made me talk to myself in a better way out loud - which felt incredibly silly but i got the point.

My kids are sometimes the only reason that i get up and yeah its good to be forced out of the house sometimes and kids certainly keep you moving! Thank you for being so honest in what you wrote, I'm glad you found your self here on the forums,

In response to: Re: I need to change my life

LinmercSenior Contributor11 June 2015, 7:15 am AEST

Re: I need to change my life

Hi Gothmum

It was great to read that you have made small but significant changes to your life. Everything takes time so don't be in a rush or be too hard on yourself. At least you are making improvements but more importantly you want to make these changes and are willing to accept advice from the forum.

Living a lie can be mentally exhaustive and generally the lies snowball into something totally out of control. I know with some Mental illnesses lying and cheating can become second nature as they have lost touch with reality.

Cherrybomb has a point about liking yourself first. If you don't like who you are how can anyone else like you. Rediscover who you are (and find yourself), reconnect with your mind and body and focus on only your good points ('I'm feeling good today because im relaxing, listening to music, read a book etc). Telling the truth and being at peace with yourself is quite freeing and liberating. We all make mistakes in life and sometimes it feels like we are taking three steps forward and two steps back. As long as you are pointed in the right direction it does not matter how long it takes. Learn from each step you take (good or bad) work out what works for you and your kids. Keep making improvements even if you dont 'feel' like it.

Seek out a support group in your area (GROW group is very good) as talking with like-minded people helps and let's you know you are not alone.

Stay strong

In response to: Re: I need to change my life

GothMumSenior Contributor16 June 2015, 9:22 pm AEST

Re: I need to change my life

It's kind of made me a bit teary that other people feel the same way as me. Both that I'm not as alone as I thought, but also that I really wish no one else had to deal with this junk. Today was another one where if not for my kids I would not have got up. I know that if not for those darlings (& the canine kids) I would probably not still be here. I'm having significant problems actually trying to like myself. My GP has been amazing, putting aside much time to listen. And she agrees that my admission that I want to turn my life around is probably the most essential ingredient towards change... But how does one go from active self dislike to acceptance?
Anyway, thank you for helping me feel not quite so alone.

In response to: Re: I need to change my life

LinmercSenior Contributor17 June 2015, 7:59 pm AEST

Re: I need to change my life

Hi Gothmum

I can totally understand how you feel. There was a time when I couldn't get out of bed and the only reason I did was because of the kids. I couldn't let the kids fend for themselves so I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and cooked them a meal, did some laundry and cleaned up. Gradually, I felt better and I just kept going. Please compel your muscles and limbs to act rightly in spite of your feelings.
Your kids (and your k9 kids) need and rely on you.

Don't be too hard on yourself, no one is perfect, learn to accept yourself (warts and all) . Count on your blessings and emphasise what is good in you and around you.

Your GP sounds amazing and you are very lucky that she is willing to sit and listen to you. She has faith in you that you will change your thoughts and start liking yourself and turning your life around.

You are never alone, so stay strong.

In response to: Re: I need to change my life

Unknown userMember18 June 2015, 11:59 am AEST

Re: I need to change my life

Hi @GothMum

I'm not entirely sure how to go from active dislike to liking your self. I struggle really hard to not self blame for everything in th epast present and even future things!! i tend to be a perfectionist with high expectations (proabably unrealistic at times) and my psych has been helping me to go through some of the bigger things and then we talk about them and i start to see them less subjectively. im not at the point of liking myself, im just kind of starting to get to know myself more honestly perhaps... im not sure. I think the main thing is that we're still here and trying.

hope that is kind of helpful....

In response to: Re: I need to change my life

GothMumSenior Contributor21 June 2015, 1:24 am AEST

Re: I need to change my life

Thanks LJ, I know I'm on a new journey, kind of like taking the right turn at an intersection instead of the left... I think being in a position where I have needed to recently ask for specific help (my home is to be put on the market and I need to move) rather than being vague about what help I need, and expecting others to mind read and offer exactly what I need - a method I've long used, but without success - is forcing me to take a step back and examine why I have Chosen this pattern.
I'm not a risk taker; when faced with decisions i tend to accept the first offer, even if it's not really suitable because I'm so worried that there might not be any other offers or alternatives.
I am glad to have found this forum; and people's replies have been helpful because it does show me that some of the stuff I beat myself up with is not unique to me. Conversely, it has also been too overwhelming for me to check in daily... Thanking all for being part of my journey to see myself in a more gentle way.
Funnily, I am seeing my impending relocation as a tangible giant leap to recovery. For the first time ever, I'm looking for a home in a suburb, close to services and hopefully less isolated than my usual out of the way, physically isolating addresses.

Stream of consciousness writing in the early hours because I am going through one of those broken sleep, wakeful between midnight and 5am, sleep issues. Thanks for following my trek 😎

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