Lena1Contributor
Struggling
I've felt depressed for as long as I can remember, but have alternated between extreme highs and lows that last for a few days at a time. Attempted suicide at 15, self harmed all through high school. Was going through a lot with my family at the time and wanted to commit suicide at 18 but a few months before my birthday I met my current boyfriend and him and his family really gave me hope with their love. He's my first serious relationship and he was so loving and caring and understanding about my depression, I think mostly because there was a clear source for it (my family) and because I never disclosed my suicidal thoughts (they were manageable at the time and fading day by day that I was with him). I wasn't seeking treatment and all and was starting to consider myself not recovered per se but definitely dealing with it really well. I still had rapid mood swings but was managing well.
Fast forward to 21, more depressed than ever, I've moved out with my boyfriend and started a new life for ourselves in the inner city... so much has gone wrong in the past 3 years that we've been together.
Now I'm alone in our room, I haven't spoken to any of my friends and family in months, I'm scared to go outside, look at my body. I'm either crying all the time or close to. He's just stormed off in a huff because we were supposed to go out today for grocery shopping and I couldn't because I felt so disgusting. I tried to end it all a month ago. I'm constantly battling suicidal thoughts and trying to reason with myself. He called me irrational today. Last night he said I was so difficult to deal with (he had just come home from my best friend's going away party and 21st - I didn't attend because of how I was feeling).
I'm not allowed to say anything negative about myself or feel negative around him. He gets frustrated with me and tells me I'm testing his patience. I know that he loves me and he's always reminding me but because of how numb and awful I've been feeling I can't tell him that I love him sincerely. I can't kiss him or cuddle him or touch him. He tells me he's understanding of it but when I do genuinely feel awful enough that it interferes with my life he loses his cool. If it's just a little cry he'll coo and tell me everything is okay but if it's me feeling angry, torn up or suicidal it's just not good enough for him. When he tries to initiate sex I freak out and feel like a panic attack is incoming. If he can tell he'll back off but if he can't tell then a panic attack really does come on. Then he feels rejected and I worry even more resentful of me.
He wrote a big letter venting his frustrations about me that I wasn't supposed to see and I found it by accident and read it and can't stop thinking about it. I just want to die. It's been at least four months now and I haven't felt like myself at all. I haven't felt suicidal since I was a teenager. I don't know how to make it stop. I rarely feel safe. I am seeking treatment (I've been on medication for a month and I've seen a psychologist twice) but the price of medication is stressing me out.
