Washing Machine Mind

I cannot remember ever having been this sick mentally before.
I was stupid, so stupid, what an idiot, I took myself off my medication because I had a bad report on thyroid test and read up on the meds I take which can cause hypothyroidism and decided I should stop my meds, without discussing it with my doctor.

If I still had my old doctor, I probably would not have done it, but she left and now I have a new Doctor who is good, but I don't trust her yet. Anyways - I took myself off and within weeks I was flying in hypomania - flying, and I had SUCH a fun time, I stopped smoking four weeks ago so had some (lots) spare cash and used it to good effect. Totally disordered but was enjoying it, partner enjoyed how happy I was too, her / our money she was okay with the spend. I created a lovely bromeliad garden and I envisaged a triptych art piece and rushed out and bought several hundred bucks of art canvas, embroidery cottons, sequins, bits of art related stuff. I unpacked my paints case for the first time in 12 years and set up the back area as a studio.

I was so excited to start...
start writing the book,
start planting the garden,
start sketching the artwork,
start, I love a START when I am Hypo, start is everything, starting is the beginning, the middle and the end.

See, there is no middle and end, only beginning, with starting in my mania. Starting is the Hypo Holy Grail.

Then I literally fell over our new dog and broke a toe and sprained some fingers. That brought me crashing down to earth. Earth to Moongal, Earth to Moongal do you read me.? Usually, I might have recovered after the hypo but I didn't have any meds... 'cept an anti-d.

Then I lost the plot, I walked off the map - here I am lost in space.

One moment I am filling up with this internal sound that if I let loose would be a werewolf howling at the moon, a wailing like bedlam, in these moments I am barely here, I am having difficulty holding on.

Then, switch. I am okay again.

I have seen my doctor and started a medication I was not on before last Thursday, a mood stabiliser, and it gave me washing machine mind, where the agitator goes swish, swash, swish, swash, angry, calm, swish, swash, rageful, loving, swish, swash, clever, stupid, swish, swash articulate, inarticulate.

Words pouring out of my mind like a waterfall over the precipice,
or then my mind is like a bunny in the headlights trying to remember how to speak at all.

Never been this sick before. I am weeping for the sadness I feel about how sick I am, poor me. Poor me wanting so desperately to control my own mind, poor me, who has done so MUCH self-work, so MUCH self-help and yet, here we go, I'm nuts. The full packet of mixed nuts.

So, I was aware enough and took myself back off that new medication just stopped it had to or I would not have survived it. Put myself back on my old meds yesterday. And feel so much better, but not right yet. You can tell can't you? I am mentally deranged, in a vortex, yet present and aware of it all at the same time.

This will be a long day and evening with a partner away. I will be okay. I have plans to make dinner black beans and tomatoes with chilli and rice. I will watch teev. I am hanging out for my brain to settle down so I get my mind back so i can attend this international free online course on writing about Identities and Social Issues in Fiction and Nonfiction. I have all those thousands of sequins and cottons and sparkles and paints to use to do the tryptich I want to do. I am looking forward, and every now and then I get a centred calm feeling, I am sure within days my SELF will be back and I can go on living my little-circumscribed life in the sunshine. I do love me, I am pretty amazing woman to have gotten this far. Resilient, talented, survivor, partner.