Not a happy bunny

A while ago I used to post on the Carers Forum, as my DH had PTSD. He has come along way in his treatment, but I have gone backwards. I have had a previous episode of severe depression but have been managing it quite well over the last eight years. The minute I notice things aren't right, I go to my psych for what I jokingly call a tune up and check in with my gp, who is one of a rare breed that understands mental health issues. Unfortunately about 2 weeks ago, I started getting really down again. A day or so later, I went into "enraged" mode which is what used to happen in my last severe episode. Unfortunately my rage was directed at my DH and I targeted him in a vicious and extremely nasty verbal attack, picking on all the areas related to his ptsd, and managed to damage the good work he has done for himself and I have irrevocably also damaged our relationship. Once I realised how much i had hurt him, my rage fled, and I am left in utter remorse. I cannot unsay the things I said, and I cannot excuse it. While I have apologised, it was the kind of nastiness even a heartfelt sorry will not remedy. It was bad. I immediately put some things in place to ensure it doesn't happen again, including seeing my psych more frequently and signing up for an anger management course. But by doing what I did, I feel not only that I have hurt him immensely, I have also lost all hope, and am now living in a black hole, with no idea of the future, no idea how to remedy things, and a major depression in place. I will continue to see my psych every two weeks, and we are working on the cause of the rage, but I can't see beyond it. I can recognise what the psych is working on with me, but I cannot see past what I have done. How could I have hurt someone I love, so very viciously, and very deliberately? What kind of monster am I that I would choose to target my dh in such a way, to use things from his past in such a twisted way, to undo his progress. He was doing so very well, had taken some impressive steps forward after a long intense battle, and I have managed to undo it, simply because I was angry and because I know him so well, knew which buttons to push. I hate the fact I did it, I hate that it is not within my power to undo it, and I hate myself. I am doing all the right things for myself, but it will be worth nothing if my dh remains so hurt. He is seeing his team more frequently too, and while we are still sharing a house, it is likely to be temporary. He is being very civil to me, which I don't deserve, but has pulled back, and clearly doesn't trust me, which I completely get. I see no future for myself, and definitely no future for any kind of us. I have offered to go to counselling and mediation and whatever else he needs, I have even been in contact with his team to let them know I am willing to do whatever it takes to give him the best chance of getting past what I did. I am very depressed, heartbroken and feel unable to do anything. He stood by me and supprted me through my first depression and then, when he needed me, hurt him instead of helping him. What kind of monster am I?