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Not sure what to do

Rose1978New Contributor04 May 2017, 8:59 am AEST

Not sure what to do

Hi. This is my first time posting so please bear with me 🙂 i'm basically looking for an avenue to put what I'm feeling outside instead of having to hold it all in.

So I'm 38 and have always suffered from anxiety and depression (never diagnosed as I've never seen a dr about it), I have 3 beautiful children but when I had my last child on 2009 something changed. I couldn't get out the rut, so to speak. I had stopped working to be a stay at home mum but in 2012 decided it was time to go back to work, which is something I wanted to do.

I went back full-time and it was very stressful from the start, to the point that I was having panic attacks and having to take stress leave. I got more and more down on myself and how useless I was at anything I tried to do. So I've endured this stress for many years now, despite moving to part time hours and having new supervisors, who have somewhat tried to help me but aren't sympathetic to my issues.

I should also point out that while my husband has been supportive of me during difficult times, he flat out refuses to acknowledge depression or anxiety as issues and even goes as far as telling me that 'suicide is the cowards way out' which makes me more upset as you can imagine. So I just don't tell him my real feelings anymore but just bottle them up. I don't have any friends that I can talk to so I'm left to just push on and deal with the utter sadness that I can't shake off.

So today has been my worst day in a while - because I've had so many days off work (on top of my issues, I have a child that is already displaying similar anxiety issues as me, at 9yo, and refuses to go to school alot) I have to fill out manual time sheets for the days i'm working and for some reason I haven't been paid, despite putting the form in. So as of right now I have $80 to last the next fortnight! I just lost it and couldn't calm myself down so left work, now I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills and explain to my husband what is happening. I'm so over feeling sad and anxious for reasons that appear silly and frivolous to everyone else and just want to run away forever, but the only thing that keeps me here are my children, don't know what I'd do without them!

3 replies

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In response to: Not sure what to do

CheerBearSenior Contributor04 May 2017, 11:17 am AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @Rose1978 - Sorry to hear about the troubles you're facing. It can be really hard to have to try and hide your feelings from others. Like you said it can feel like bottling it up. I find the forum has been a really helpful way of getting some of it out and being able to connect with people who understand. There are a few of us with little people here too, who understand some of the different challenges that can present when we are working through our issues while raising kids.

I'm heading out for a little while now but wanted to quickly stop past and say hi. Hoping some others might come along and say hi too and that you find it helpful being here 🙂

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

Change123Senior Contributor04 May 2017, 11:40 am AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @Rose1978

Welcome to the forum and sorry you are feeling this way.

I have BPD so anxiety and depression are hand in hand. Firstly it might be worth seeing your GP about this as they can put you on anxiety medication which does help. I think a lot of us can relate to what you are saying, unfortuantely people just dont understand anxiety and depression and how debilitating it can be. This forum is a great way to vent annonymously and ask questions etc.

Like I said seeing your GP is your first step and maybe you can have some sessions with a pyschologist. Usually the GP will put you on a mental health plan which gives you a few free visits. The important thing is that you need to focus on yourself and take things slowly.

One thing I have found really helps with anxiety is deep breathing, when you feel the anxiety attack come on firstly dont stop it, your body needs to go through the motions and the longer you try to stop it the longer it will take to go away. Remember feelings cant hurt you and the worst thing is that you just feel crappy. At the same time try to breathe in really slowly, I like to say things out loud like "in with the good and take a deep breath and then as I'm breathing out say "out with the bad" if you do this five times it starts to calm you down.

Take care

In response to: Not sure what to do

utopiaSenior Contributor04 May 2017, 1:24 pm AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@Rose1978. Welcome.
They aren't frivolous issues you are dealing with. They would tip most people up. And when we live with depression, our feelings are all the more intense.
The Forum is a safe, nonjudgmental place to write down your feelings. Always better to get them out, than bottling them up.
Just as it's better to talk to someone who can help you.
Can you try and think of your depression and anxiety as just like any other illness or injury. If you broke your ankle, no matter what your husband or anyone else thinks, it's still broken. And we are not equipped to fix a broken ankle on our own. And we are not equipped to deal with depression and anxiety on our own. We need to learn new techniques on how to reduce our anxiety and depression.
I went to my gp and got a mental heath plan drawn up. It's simple - just ticking boxes on a questionnaire. Then she referred me to a psychologist - you can see one for free under the medicare plan.
What you are experiencing is real. You are doing the very best you can. It takes alot of energy to keep functioning when you are not well. So please, ask for help from your gp. You don't have to do this alone.
And keep posting here.

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